Young Writers Society

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Hey tnme22

This is really good. I think you should describe Jaymi better. I can't really picture her in my mind. Also talk about peoples facial expressions, thoughts, the way they move, how they speak, etc. It will make your story longer and readers will be able to capture the full esscence of any character.

All description aside I think this could be a phenomenal piece if you continue with it. Just add more description.

Hey! Basket here!

Well, my corrections should be pretty easy to spot... within the quoted sections the bold is what I changed/I'm going to change, and then if I think it needs explaining, I explain it below it.

That's simple enough, yeah?

Ooh, I'm reading this as I correct it... its easier for me that way. So if I say something earlier and its revealed later on in this section, I apologize. But, here we go. =D

It was a strange feeling knowing your wouldn’t be seeing your friends most of the summer.

"Your" to "you".

My plane landed in San Francisco and I froze. I had never been to San Francisco before and I was now voluntarily spending over half my summer there to paint with people I didn’t even know and were probably way better than I was. This was going to be a nightmare.

Okay, so your main character is obviously scared. Which is completely natural, when one is going somewhere by themselves for the first time. However, personally, after your main character freezes, explain something about his/her insides. Is her/his heart clammering loudly? Is her throat getting swelled about the whole thing and s/he's have trouble breathing? Add a bit more detail. =D

She was sitting on the table, and her feet propped up on a chair.

Take out "and" and add a comma after "table".

She smiled and pulled her clipboard to her lap. Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail

Okay, you used the word "pulled" in both of these sentences. I'd keep the first one and instead of "pulled", I'd say something like:

Her dark hair was fashioned in a ponytail.

Or something similar to that. =D

Holy crap, he is hot!” Jaymi exclaimed from beside me.

Everyone was talking to one another and eating loudly.

Ehh, this doesn't really make sense... I mean, it does. But, I'd change it to something along the lines of:

"Everyone was talking to one another loudly and eating the camp's (delicioius, horrible, appalling) food."

“So this,” Jaymi said, biting off the end of a Twizzler, "is my best friend back home, Starla Behrens. We’ve been friends since kindergarten.”

And that's it! I really, really liked this. It was very interesting. I'm excited to see what comes next. You should let me know when you post up the next part, mkayy?
However, a few general points about the story.

- You're having the same exact problem I have--you're telling and not showing. I would try to explain what it is, and no doubt you know, I'm sure, but if I tried to explain, I'd just butcher it. However, there are quite a few points on showing and telling somewhere on YWS. I'm sorry I can't be more specific and I would go look for it, but I have to leave in just a few minutes.

- Explain! Explain the characters more! All I've got is their appearance and even that's a bit vague. First impressions usually mean everything. Give us something about the people's stances, whether they're dressed nice or not... you know. Detail! =D

Again, I really, really liked it so far. This could really go somewhere if you worked with it.
Make sure you tell me when the next part comes up, and I'll review it, if you want.

Speaking of which...

If my review is confusing in any way, feel free to PM me about any part of it.
I hope I helped. =D
-Basket-

Awesome! I love this story and it sounds like one I'm writing now although mine takes place in an art school.

Please, please, please continue this! I'd love if you did and I'll be following along this story to the very end. No spelling or punctuation mistakes (Word told me so) but I don't think 'twizzle' is supposed to be capitalized (as if it matters >.>)

Anyway! Awesome story!

(this was my first review! XD)

Thanks everyone
I took notes and I'll be sure to look at those things!

-Carly

It was a strange feeling knowing your wouldn’t be seeing your friends most of the summer; the friends that you've spent almost every waking moment with, the ones that are always there for you and support everything you do, encouraged you to submit art to this academy in the first place, and the friends that celebrated with you when you were accepted.

My plane landed in San Francisco, and I froze. I had never been to San Francisco before and I was now voluntarily spending over half my summer there to paint with people I didn’t even know, and were probably way better than I were.

Ainsley was from Santa Barbara, and Shayla from Redding.

“Holy crap he is hot!” Jaymi exclaimed from beside me.

Just sounds a bit too corny and generic to me.

Slightly tanned skin, kind of shaggy brown hair, a fitted grey t-shirt and comfortable looking black pants, he turned his head with a smile on his face and my breath caught. He had the sharpest light green eyes and a perfectly white smile.

The underlined parts are really not needed.

“I’m actually supposed to be meeting my sister right now, so I’ll see you later.” He smiled and left.

It's kind of pointless to introduce a new character and have them exit the story right afterwards.

The dinner hall was loud and slightly nuts. Everyone was talking to one another and eating loudly.

Scratch "loudly" out and use another synonyme, since you've used the same word in the previous sentence.

Overall:
You have a good plot on your hands, but if only you could explain it and convey it in a good, more literature-like, less corny Disney Channel sitcom-y type of way. You over emphasise on what the characters are wearing and look like instead of focusing on their personalities and what they are like. Yes, you've only begun this story, but use indirect characterization to give us a feel of what the characters so far are like. It would also be nice if you explained Jaymi's passion for painting/art and the backstory of how she enrolled for the camp in the first place. It would also be swell if you included meaningful dialogue between Jaymi and Starla.

Thanks again for the reviews!
I've edited it based on things you've said.

-Carly

Here! Yay! :]

“Young Artist Academy, please.” I said to the driver as I slid in the backseat.

Should be a comma. =)

The panic was building as we got closer and closer to the camp.

I thought it was an acadamy, not a camp?

The dinner hall was loud and slightly nuts.

Even though this did make me laugh, I don't think 'nuts' is the right word. Maybe 'unorganized,' or something along those lines.

“So this,” Jaymi said, biting off the end of a Twizzler, “is my best friend back home, Starla Behrens. We’ve been friends since kindergarten.”

I really like this part, like how you have it written.

Amy is Tori’s oldest friend.

Older as in how? Like, age difference, or how long they've known each other?

Wow, I like this! But, I think you need a little more of Madison's thoughts. Like, when they were sharing picutres, You could put how she thought the picture of Jaymie's friend was pretty or just average looking. I hope I explained that right. :p I'm horrible at explaining things.

Great job! Keep writing!
Becca

Hey again Carlito. Another review for you!

Okay, here are a few things I've noticed.

It was a strange feeling knowing you wouldn't be seeing any of your friends for most of the summer.

Alright, I know how all the others were saying change this or that about it, but they forgot the one most basic thing. Second person writing shouldn't just be thrown around like that. So change the you/your to I/my. Picky detail, but picky details make or break a story! (not to seem to harsh about it)

Slightly tanned skin, somewhat shaggy brown hair, a fitted grey t-shirt and comfortable looking black pants, he turned his head with a smile on his face and my breath caught. He had the sharpest light green eyes and a perfectly white smile.

No offense, but I don't really like this part. Maybe put a period between 'pants' and 'he', rather than a comma. Also, 'and my breath caught' seems weird. Maybe add 'in my throat' or something to the end of it. I do like the description in the last sentence, but "sharpest light green" just doesn't make sense. Maybe, "most vibrant, twinkling light green eyes" or something.

I made me want to cry just looking at it.

"I" should be "It"

I do, however, really like quote at the beginning. The only thing to make sure of is if you're going to be doing that, make sure you have one at the beginning of every chapter. There are certain ways to get around that if you turn it into a bound book, but if not, I'd suggest to either put a quote before every chapter, or none. I know it can be hard, but having things randomly mismatched isn't a great idea.

Hope this helps! Can't wait for more!
~Addict