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The King of Hearts



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Tue May 05, 2009 6:43 am
Ego says...



Collaboration between myself and OverEasy...long time in the making, and this is just the first part. We'll be updating as we go. As always, comments, critiques and opinions are welcomed.

He could feel the heat from the fire, the heat that had only moments before licked at his flesh and his tux as he completed his final trick of the night. Shackled and bound, he had been raised above it, heels over head, dangling more than ten feet from the floor. His eyes burned from the smoke that had clouded his vision and seared his lungs. He rubbed his hands together a moment and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and holding it. The flaming pyre was still raging, and the rope that had dangled him over it began its slow ascent to the rafters. After a moment to steady himself, he opened his eyes and flashed a grin to the audience, who held their own breaths in anticipation. He raised his hands, palms to the ceiling, in a flourish.


"Ladies and gents, the King of Hearts has done it again. He has defied death's embrace and proven once more than he is, without a doubt, the Suicide King," Daisy Butterfield said, the relief in her voice betraying the sensual smile on her lips. Calvin grinned wider as the audience cheered. His assistant and partner in crime exaggerated a motion to the audience, presenting Calvin to them, bending over slightly in a move that accentuated her shapely figure--her breasts to the audience and to Calvin a rather spectacular view of her ass. Her act was just that, for he had performed this trick dozens of times in practice. It was as dangerous as she said, no doubt, but to the King of Hearts, Calvin Huntington...it was just another day at the office.

The crowd continued to applaud and cheer as the curtain fell in front of Daisy and Calvin, wisps of smoke still trailing from his tuxedo. Smiling like a child that had just done something naughty, she laughed aloud. "Great show tonight, boss man." Daisy stretched her arms above her head, her barely there, glitter covered dress rising just above her buttock.

"Sure was," he mumbled, brushing at a black spot on his jacket and turning toward the stage door.


Daisy glanced up upon hearing the tone in his voice, "what's wrong?" She asked, a small tilt to her head and the slight compassion in her voice the only indicator that she cared at all.

"Hm?" He looked up, meeting her gaze with a movie-star grin. "Nothin' at all, Duke. Just feelin' the fire, is all."


She followed him backstage, to their dressing room. Her eyes narrowed and her hand went to her hip, that no-nonsense look he had grown to dread covering her features. "Did you get burned again, Calvin?"

"I was dropped fifteen feet into a towering inferno of pine wood. What do you think?" Came the smart reply.


Her brow creased together. "How badly?" she asked, hand still firmly on her hip.

"Bad's relative. Relative to my overall experience with pain? Maybe a two."

She shook her head with a sigh, even if was oozing puss with a gaping wound in his gut, he'd say the pain was a two. "Go sit and I'll get you bandaged up."

"You just wanna get my shirt off..." He muttered, plopping down into the chair in front of his mirror.


She came from behind him and pulled his shirt up over his head, enjoying the gasp of pain and the slight whimper that escaped his lips. "Sure, sugar, keep tellin' yourself that." When she saw the burn, though, she immediately regretted the amusement she felt. His flesh was an angry red, with large blisters already bubbling up across his shoulder.

"Ow! Don't touch it!" he cried out, flinching away at her touch.


She closed her eyes tightly. "I'm sorry, Cal, Didn' realize how bad it was. Lemme bandage you up?" Daisy moved away before waiting for his reply--he always let her bandage him up. She went immediately to the first aid kit she kept under the cabinet, clenching her fingers around the cold aluminum and silently cursing herself as she walked back to him. She dragged her own chair across the room, positioning it behind him before taking her spot atop it--just like she did every night. Once situated, she looked down at the little box before continuing. She didn't see Calvin's eyes following her through the mirror, nor the small smile that adorned his lips.


Her hands were steady and calm as she massaged ointment into his oozing blistered skin, trying to be as sensitive as she could. She applied the thick goopy salve in an even layer, carefully avoiding the areas that were looking the worst. She didn't want to touch them, she knew she had to. Sighing to herself she prepared to cause him more pain for the night. Finally, she worked her way into the center of the wound, her fingers working the calming cream into his skin as gently as possible. His brow creased in pain anyways, and he pulled away from her slightly, mumbling what sounded an awful lot like "Bitch" under his breath.



She put on her best smile, and glanced at him through the mirror."Oh hush, you big baby." she mock giggled, hoping to brighten his mood.



"Well it hurts, you sadistic woman!" He teased back, earning himself a genuine smile from her.



"Then maybe next time you shouldn' go showin' off and move a little faster. You leave it down to the last second! A half a second more and this little thing would be the last of your worries." Daisy grit her teeth as her fingers worked diligently over his wound. The burn was serious, but nothing life threatening. If he kept it clean and bandaged, it would heal nicely. That was a big if.



"Maybe, but what's the fun in escaping before I fall? It's so much funner to hear the audience scream." He winced slightly as she finished putting the last bit of tape in place.



"Oh yes, and I am the sadistic one. You're gonna go get yourself killed one of these days, and I tell you I am not scraping your dead body off that stage."



Henry grinned, enjoying himself far too much for his own good. “After they pull me out of the fire there won't be much left to scrape, darlin'"



"Yeah, and then my pretty ass is out of a job, so let's try to keep yours alive." Daisy flounced around the dressing room, the florescent lighting making her shimmering bleach blonde hair almost glow. The remains of the glitter from her costume making her fake-and-bake tanned skin iridescent.



"...I have a pretty ass?"



She laughed "Sure, darlin', you keep tellin' yourself that."



"You said it, not me."


"Well if yours is pretty, mine is god like." Her hand went to her hip, and she gave him a cocky grin. "Anyways, I really think you should see an actual doctor about this one, boss."



"Nah." He pulled a shirt over his head, "it'll be fine. I've been through worse. The road to success is paved with the blood of your mistakes, right?"



"Your mistakes are nightly, so where is all that glorious success?" She smirked.



"In my bank account."



"Yeah, how 'bout some of that gets transferred to mine one of these days?"



"It's not my fault you spend all your cash on makeup, kiddo. I pay you better than any other stripper in town."



She gasped. "I don't strip! My job is way harder than a stripper... I have to stand there and stuff." Her eyes met his in a death glare as she mumbled, "I don't strip..."



"And yet, I still pay you better than the strippers that actually do. Something is terribly wrong with me."



"You're a perv, you know that?"



"Keenly aware, thanks."



She hung her head and grumbled, "yeah, yeah, yeah. I should get paid double for putting up with your crap all day."



"You should. Unfortunately, double would mean that I get less money."



"Greedy bastard. If we're done here can I leave?" Daisy tapped her foot impatiently and looked at her nonexistent watch.



"You're the one that insisted on patching me up." He jumped off the chair with a little too much energy for someone that had once again almost lost their life that night.



"You were dribbling on the floor, boss, it doesn't do good things for business."



"Night, Duke." God, how she hated that nickname. As if her Southern twang and first name weren't bad enough, he had to relate her to that Godawful TV show.



She turned, crumpling the bandage wrapper into a ball and throwing it at him before stalking towards the door. When the crumbled wrapper hit her in the back of the head a second later, she ignored it entirely. Throwing things at a magician didn't usually end well, as he tended to catch them and send them back effortlessly. She was startled to see a man standing on the other side, wearing a tattered brown duster that hit his knee caps. His hair was tousled, his skin looked like cracked leather, and he had a scar that ran across his cheek down his neck. Daisy visibly gulped.



“You here to see Cal?” she asked quietly.



“Yeah, gotta talk to him.” The man didn’t look at her, so she just hurried past, hardly sparing a glance back at Calvin, he kept his own company, she didn’t need to question.







Calvin Huntington, the King of Hearts, rubbed his hands together, resisting the urge to crinkle his nose at the grimy sweat that accumulated in the lifelines of his palms. As a man so renowned world-wide for his death-defying escape acts and seemingly impossible feats of sleight of hand, the fact that he had sweaty palms was more disturbing than the fact that he had the business end of a shotgun jabbing into his lower back.


The man holding the shotgun was of no consequence; he was a lapdog, nothing more. He wouldn't pull the trigger unless his master said so. The balding man in front of Calvin, however, with the waistline of his fine suit straining and the eyes that had seen too much violence to be called human anymore...he was the one that put the sweat in Cal's palms. This man controlled much of the criminal underworld in Vegas, and even owned a few of the legitimate casinos in town. He was the Godfather of Las Vegas, a running joke that even he partook of. He was the man that decided whether or not Cal walked out of the room or was left face down in a pool of his own blood. Calvin didn't like that; usually it was him tempting his own fate.


“Ah, King!” The man's voice made him weak in the knees, and he wanted nothing more than to collapse to the—lush, always so lush—carpet beneath his Amadeo Testoni's. He blinked, instead. “Brilliant, brilliant show tonight! The thing with the shackles and the fire and the dangling? Instant classic!”


Calvin swallowed the massive lump in his throat. “Thanks—it's new,” he croaked more than said, for his mouth had gone utterly dry.


“I know! George was losing his mind when you stepped out of the fire.” George—Clooney, who else—was one of Daddy's regulars at his casinos.


“Didn't disappoint, I hope,” Cal said dryly, wiping his hands on his Georgio Armani pants.


Daddy waved the remark away and indicated with his hand the beautiful oak desk that sat between the two men. As he did so, Cal felt the muzzle of the shotgun leave his back as the crony stepped away from him, his cue to step forward. He pulled back the chair on his side of the desk and sat down, the cushion of the chair every bit as heavenly as the carpet he so admired.


Next comes the cognac, Cal thought, eying the crystal jug positioned carefully in the desk's left hand corner farthest from Daddy. Sure enough, the old man reached for the jug and the two glasses, overturning the latter and pouring a glass of the former for each of them. Calvin knew this act well, for it was as practiced as his own stage shows. He'd heard of it from many of Daddy's—former—associates.


“Now King,” Daddy said, sliding one of the glasses to Henry. “I need you to do something for me.” Cal's heart plummeted to his toes, but he took care to keep his shoulder square and his back straight; he would not give the sadistic bastard the pleasure of knowing he had no choice but to accept. When Daddy needed something done, you did it or you disappeared. Cal picked up the glass and swirled the cognac is slow circles at the bottom of the glass


“What can I do for you, boss?” Calvin asked, trying to keep it light.


“A number of my associates have started talking.” Daddy took a sip from his own glass. “Saying things that disturb me greatly. Saying I'm getting too old for this job, sayin' I need to appoint a successor or one will be appointed for me. That last one came from Victor Torelli himself, the industrious bastard.” Victor was Daddy's younger cousin, if Cal recalled correctly. Liked to gamble far too much, but usually came out on top, regardless. Never came to Calvin's shows.


Focus.


Calvin had no idea where his was coming from or where it was going; successor? Did the old man agree? Was he considering Calvin? Moron, of course not. He blinked to show he was still paying attention.


“I need you to kill the fuckers for me, King.”


Calvin's heart stopped and he quickly set the cognac down to keep from dropping it and ruining the carpet. It slowly dawned on him that he had angered Daddy somehow in the recent past, and this was his vengeance. He scrambled to come up with the source. Gambling debts? No, very minuscule and easily paid off. The crack about the mob during Tuesday's show? No, too petty—Hell, he'd laughed! No, Calvin had invited Daddy's wrath without ever knowing he was doing something wrong. He panicked.


“Kill—why—how—me?” Henry couldn't stop the stammers from escaping his lips—the thundering metronome in his temples was too loud, his chest too tight, for him to control his tongue. Panic was an emotion the talented magician was not familiar with.


Daddy smiled—he smiled! “Yes, you. After all, who better to take care of my unfinished business than the guy that's been fucking my sister's kid?” Now Calvin had to grip the table to stop from falling from his chair. His world-renowned confidence had failed him completely. “Darla is your--”


“My niece, yes.”


“--But I didn't know—I couldn't have known!” And in truth, he hadn't. Cal and Darla had only gone out three times, neither of them really looking for anything more than some fun.


“Yeah, Darla never wanted anything to do with me. Said I was too shady, too cruel. Smart girl.”


Calvin remained silent, for he didn't trust himself.


“Doesn't matter now. She's dead.” Cal froze. His eyes narrowed, and his fingers held fast to the polished oak of the desk.


“She's dead,” Daddy repeated. “After your hot date last night, after you fucked her silly in her bed and kissed her sweet lips good night, some bastard, working for that scumbag Torelli, broke into her house and put a bullet right in her head. The bastard followed you, King.”


“Darla's dead?” Cal felt a pang of guilt, but he knew that this was all just a front to con him into doing Daddy's dirty work. His shoulder's slumped, regardless, and his eyes drifted to the floor.


“And you're gonna avenge her for me, Calvin. You'll do it, or Vegas will be missing their Suicide King—who'll live up to his name in a rather messy fashion.”


Cal's eyes shot up to meet Daddy's. “Don't threaten me,” he whispered. “I know what the consequences are for disobeying the great 'Godfather of Vegas.' Just tell me what you want done, you fuckin' gummer.”


Daddy's eyes widened slightly in as much of a surprised look as Cal had ever seen from him. “King's got a backbone? Never would have imagined,” he said.


Calvin smiled, his eyebrows still narrowed. “Comes from cheating death on a daily basis.”


“I bet.” Daddy opened his mouth to say more, but Cal cut him off with an upraised hand.


"Fuck you. Get on with it."
Last edited by Ego on Tue May 05, 2009 10:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue May 05, 2009 8:11 pm
Flemzo says...



Pretty good overall. I'm not going to nitpick on the slight grammar and punctuation mistakes (a quick read-through and you'll be able to pick them out).

A couple of major things:

Her eyes narrowed and her hand went to her hip, a no-nonsense look that he had learned to know covering her features.


I'm not quite sure what is meant by this. "A no-nonsense look that he had learned to know was covering her features"? A quick fix should help out.

As if her Southern twang and first name weren't bad enough, he had to relate her to that Godawful TV show.


I don't think "godawful" is captialized here, especially when you didn't capitalize "god-like".

Other than these two things, the only other major thing I have is that I wasn't quite sure where "Daddy" came in. I'm realizing now that "Daddy" comes from the mob boss being the "Godfather of Vegas", but maybe some clarification early on would help.

As far as content goes, I love it. Anything with magicians is great. When you add strippers, it makes it better. When you add the mafia, then holy crap, I'm sucked in.

I can't wait to find out where this goes. Keep it up.
  





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Wed May 06, 2009 12:15 am
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deleted_5 says...



Wow, this was pretty good. One thing though, this was really llllllllllllloooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg. :D It makes it really hard to review, but I will anyway! :D So, my job in reviewing is to talk about characters. It's my forte I guess. So, let's start with Calvin, the King of Hearts.

Calvin seems to be the daredevil magician. But I had a hard time picturing him. You don't tell us what he looks like, which is a very important thing to include. When you make a character, you put a picture in our heads, but, we can't read your mind, so you have to tell us about him! We need to know who he is and what he looks like so we can imagine it. Overall, his character was amazing. You did a wonderful job with him! :D

Next is Daisy. She reminds me of the whole supermodel thing. But, like Calvin, we don't know her. Or how she looks. Be sure to use more description! She was well created though, just be sure you add description.

Daddy is one of my favourite so far. He's very gangsta. Um, again detail. Other than that, it's good!

So overall the story was great. Just remember detail and shave down how long it is. :D But I really enjoyed it. Gold star for you!
Let me know when you post the next bit. PM me if you need any help.

Lucy
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I also hate being on television, I hate it as much as people hate chocolate. But they always want chocolate.
  





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Wed May 06, 2009 4:55 am
Crysi says...



Good to see you finally putting the Suicide King to paper, Dono. Or screen, whichever. I always knew he'd have a lot of potential, and this first installment confirms that. Can't wait to see the cocky, confident man prove he really does have tricks up his sleeves in action.
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Wed May 06, 2009 3:54 pm
Juniper says...



Hey Dono, Hey Tiff! Juniper here to skim over this for you.

Now, some of my comments can be disregarded as unnecessary, but I just want to point out a few things I noticed throughout this.


He could feel the heat from the fire, the heat that had only moments before licked at his flesh and his tux as he completed his final trick of the night.


As a general writing rule, it's preferred that when a name of an item, place, or anything is presented in a story for the first time that the word is written out in full, and abbreviated later in the story. ;)


His eyes burned from the smoke that had clouded his vision and seared his lungs.


I feel that this sentence disrupts the flow of the surrounding paragraph, dear, because it's worded somewhat awkwardly. Perhaps you can reconstruct this? Possibly something along the lines of:

Smoke clouded his vision, burning his eyes and searing his lungs.


Daisy stretched her arms above her head, her barely there, glitter covered dress rising just above her buttock.



This brings about a hint of confusion, dear, because it appears as if we have a stray comma. It should rightfully be her barely-there glitter-covered-dress. ;)



The crowd continued to applaud and cheer as the curtain fell in front of Daisy and Calvin, wisps of smoke still trailing from his tuxedo.


Applaud? Cheer? Almost the same thing. It's implied that in applause, the audience would cheer, so! You can chop either of those words away. ;)

Daisy glanced up upon hearing the tone in his voice, "what's wrong?" She asked, a small tilt to her head and the slight compassion in her voice the only indicator that she cared at all.


In the first line here (with dialogue) the tags are kind of... wonky, dear. So! These should kind of be reconstructed, perhaps to:

Daisy glanced up upon hearing the tone in his voice. "What's wrong? she asked...

Pretty much just splitting those two in half, because it's sounding as if it's a slight run on. ;)

She followed him backstage, to their dressing room.


Stray comma needs to go. ;)

"I was dropped fifteen feet into a towering inferno of pine wood. What do you think?" Came the smart reply.


Capital C needs to be lowercase, dear, as it's continuing one train of thought. ;)



Her brow creased together. "How badly?" she asked, hand still firmly on her hip.


You can drop "together" here, because it's like, a piece of deadwood. It's implied that when a brow creases, it would crease together.


Also, at this point, I'm concerned if you guys are trying to fill in too many before-and-after dialogue tags, because it seems that every piece of dialogue is preceded or followed by some action or another. You don't need so many. ;) In fact, it's great to just have a string of dialogue followed by no tags at all once in a while.


"Ow! Don't touch it!" he cried out, flinching away at her touch.


To flinch away would be a very tricky action to do. :P I think you can drop the "away" in this, dearie, because it's kind of... deadwood. :P Yeah.

Her hands were steady and calm as she massaged ointment into his oozing blistered skin, trying to be as sensitive as she could.


I believe it was already mentioned that his skin was blistered and oozing? Perhaps use another descriptive word there, to replace the two of these. Scalded could work?


Henry grinned, enjoying himself far too much for his own good. “After they pull me out of the fire there won't be much left to scrape, darlin'"


Henry? Who's Henry, and where did Calvin go? (Don't forget to include your punctuation inside of this dialogue tag, dear).


"...I have a pretty ass?"

She laughed "Sure, darlin', you keep tellin' yourself that."


(Why am I so confident that Tiff wrote this part? XD)

Anyway! It's best not to begin a sentence/dialogue with an ellipses. Just stage out the pause in words, dear.

And, remember! Include a comma after "laughed". Whenever a dialogue tag precedes the dialogue in the same sentence, place a comma there. ;)



If he kept it clean and bandaged, it would heal nicely. [s]That was a big if. [/s]



That little sentence is a no-no. If it's doing anything, it's doing more harm than help.


Calvin Huntington, the King of Hearts, rubbed his hands together, resisting the urge to crinkle his nose at the grimy sweat that accumulated in the lifelines of his palms. As a man so renowned world-wide for his death-defying escape acts and seemingly impossible feats of sleight of hand, the fact that he had sweaty palms was more disturbing than the fact that he had the business end of a shotgun jabbing into his lower back.


I don't like this paragraph. It's too wordy, too deadwood-ish, and too flowery.

If you were beginning a new chapter/new section with this, then this would be great, because reintroducing the character would be very helpful. However, this just isn't working. We already know who he is, and what he does. He just came from the stage 10-20 minutes ago, dear. I think that some good information that we need to know is contained in this, but for now it's too broad to appreciate, dear. ;)

You reintroduce Cal, but you don't introduce this "Daddy" well enough with a name. It's raising a hint of confusion.


(Also! A little note: I noticed that when you use an ellipsis, you scarcely follow it with a space. It's a standard punctuation, mark so it must be followed with a space dear...This is quite... icky to see. :P)


Calvin knew this act well, for it was as practiced as his own stage shows. He'd heard of it from many of Daddy's—former—associates.


I know that you are trying to put emphasis on "former", but this comes off as awkward, dear. If anything, former should be italicized, not in dashes like this. A dash would indicate an abrupt change from one idea to the next, and this is all in-line. ;)

“Doesn't matter now. She's dead.” Cal froze. His eyes narrowed, and his fingers held fast to the polished oak of the desk.


I really thought Cal had said this. :P I think you need to put a break in the line, dear, because it kind of confusing.:P

- - -

Wow, that was intense.


The atmosphere created and displayed here was very clear, and very strong, easy to imagine and well thought out. Nice job on that. :)

All of the characters here had a shady touch to them, which leaves so much room for interesting events further down the line. I'm really eager to what happens after this.

[I have to cut this short here :P]

Keep up the nice work, you two. ^_^



Juniper ;)
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Wed May 06, 2009 6:26 pm
Ego says...



Flemmy

I'm not quite sure what is meant by this. "A no-nonsense look that he had learned to know was covering her features"? A quick fix should help out.


Changed.

I'm working on a reintroduction of Daddy in our edit...the transition isn't apparent whatsoever that he actually was led to Daddy's office in the casino that Cal performs in.

Luce:

You spelled long wrong. There's only one of each letter...

On character description; Throwing physical features at a reader all at once would result in a monster of an info-dump. The details of their appearance are going to be more implied than explicitly told to the reader. Important details--such as Daisy's blonde hair or Calvin's scars--are specifically pointed out.

Samwise:

Calvin was a long time in the making...I think I finally have a grasp of what he's supposed to be. Daisy is an excellent complement to him; a second character gives the story some depth that it lacked before.


Junebug:

I feel that this sentence disrupts the flow of the surrounding paragraph, dear, because it's worded somewhat awkwardly. Perhaps you can reconstruct this? Possibly something along the lines of:

Smoke clouded his vision, burning his eyes and searing his lungs.


It happened in the past...the trick is already done. What you propose is a present tense phrasing that makes no sense whatsoever.

This brings about a hint of confusion, dear, because it appears as if we have a stray comma. It should rightfully be her barely-there glitter-covered-dress.


List of traits requires a comma...two different traits (barely-there, glitter-covered) separated by a comma. You're right about the hyphens though.

That little sentence is a no-no. If it's doing anything, it's doing more harm than help.


Justify, please. You just stated pure opinion as fact. ;)

I don't like this paragraph. It's too wordy, too deadwood-ish, and too flowery.

If you were beginning a new chapter/new section with this, then this would be great, because reintroducing the character would be very helpful. However, this just isn't working. We already know who he is, and what he does. He just came from the stage 10-20 minutes ago, dear. I think that some good information that we need to know is contained in this, but for now it's too broad to appreciate, dear.


Tiff and I were talking about this earlier. It was originally start of the piece, and we forgot a break there after Daisy exits and Cal goes to see Daddy.

Thanks for the critiques, everyone! We'll keep you posted (ha), and you keep the comments coming!
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Thu May 07, 2009 11:34 pm
LowKey says...



Daisy stretched her arms above her head, her barely there, glitter covered dress rising just above her buttock.


Missing a word? That, or you need hyphens.

"...I have a pretty ass?"


I love that line. The entire section of dialogue there is great.

The man didn’t look at her, so she just hurried past, hardly sparing a glance back at Calvin, he kept his own company, she didn’t need to question.


Getting a little long there. Might want to break it up into two parts.

Who's Henry? I thought his name was Calvin. Considered that Cal might be his stunt name, but you continue to refer to him as Cal even after the show is over, even in the meeting with Daddy. Then you refer to him as Henry, and then it's back to Cal again. It's inconsistent, yes? And confusing because of it. When he's called Henry, it's one Henry surrounded by a bunch of Calvins.

Henry grinned wider as the audience cheered. His assistant and partner in crime exaggerated a motion to the audience, presenting Calvin to them, bending over slightly in a move that accentuated her shapely figure--her breasts to the audience and to Calvin a rather spectacular view of her ass.


The 'his' automatically refers back to Henry. Henry's assistant presented Calvin to them. If they *are* the same person, might want to switch it around. "Henry's assistant presented him" maybe. But that still doesn't really work because it still looks like two different people, maybe two different performers.

Perhaps it'll clear up later in the story, but for right now, it's truly a confusing matter, especially when one's brain is already a bit wobbly from lack of sleep. Great start of the story, in any case. Got a feel for the characters, though they're still a bit iffy. Meaning, we don't really know them that well, not that they're off. The 'not knowing them that well' issue will change with time, though, yes?

Aw, cliff hanger. You've doomed yourself for that, you know.
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Sun May 10, 2009 8:28 pm
Prokaryote says...



Hey you two! I don't have a real review; I'm just checking in to tell you that I read it and enjoyed it. I definitely think Daisy and Cal have a lot of potential together -- their flirty banter comes off well. I particularly liked the whole "pretty ass" bit. ;) I also thought the "business end of a shotgun" paragraph was rather amusing.

I'm mainly excited about the notion of a magician having to kill people. Oh, so many possibilities -- I love creative deaths.

sayin' I need to appoint a successor or one will be appointed for me.


Great line.

Victor was Daddy's younger cousin, if Cal recalled correctly. Liked to gamble far too much, but usually came out on top, regardless. Never came to Calvin's shows.

Focus.


Liked this; showed his wandering thoughts well.


I would also like to note that some of the dialogue isn't punctuated correctly; using periods instead of commas, etc. Probably want to scan through and fix that.


All in all, though, it's a cool start, guys. :) Tell me when the next part comes.

Prokaryote
  








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