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Beyond the hills-Chapter 4



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Sun Nov 09, 2008 11:52 am
Reuben A says...



Prologue: topic37432.html
Chapter I: topic37490.html
Chapter II: topic37965.html
Chapter III: topic38391.html




CHAPTER IV

That night winds like Rachel and Elvy had never seen before battered their tents. No-one could sleep. Rachel spent the long sleepless hours reading, while Elvy started carving out something on a piece f wood he had found lying around earlier that day. Dran slept in his own tent,.
"Ray...where to do you think we're going?" Elvy asked.
"Beyond the hills," Rachel answered.
"But where beyond the hills?"
"I think only Dran knows now."
"But then why don't we ask him?"
"Good point."
"Let's go now," Elvy said.
"Now? It's practical a tornado!"
"What's a tornado?" Elvy asked.
"Winds swirling, picking up....stuff." Rachel replied.
"Well, we ain't stuff, we're Stanios. Both might begin with S's, but we're not stuff." Rachel glared at him.
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"We could be swept off and never see anyone or anything ever again!"
"well, I'm going," Elvy said, standing up.
"Oh no you don't!" Rachel called out, closing her book.
"Oh yes I do!" Elvy opened the tent flaps, kept together by a hook. Cold wind burst into the tent as Elvy stepped out.
"Why does this always happen to me?" She asked, standing up.

* * *

"How do we even know that they will welcome us?" Ro asked King James as he mounted his horse. He, and the rest of the elders were standing in the tower's stables, on the ground floor.
"The same way we know Dran shall return with the Stanio children," King James replied.
"But we don't know my lord!"
"Exactly," James replied, trotting around the stables. Ro swore under his breath, but never the less mounted his horse.
"Open the doors!" King James called out. As if by magic, the doors opened, and the elders rode out.

* * *

"Elvy!!" Rachel called, her voice blown away. Elvy walked in front of her, as if he was oblivious to all danger. Rachel was sweating even though there was an icy wind. only five more steps and Elvy was a the tent. For Rachel another ten.
"This is pointless." Rachel thought. Elvy stomped determinedly on. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind swept their feet from under them, and they were left sprawling on the ground.
"Elvy! Are you alright?" She asked as she stood up shaking. Another gust and Elvy was lifted off the ground. Rachel raced with the wind across the turf. Soon, Rachel too was lifted off of the ground. She felt absolutely powerless. Suddenly icy tears sprouted out of her eyes.
"I'm going to die!" She spoke her thoughts. Then, suddenly, the wind dropped. Rachel fell to the ground, feeling ridiculous, almost embarrassed. There wasn't even a breeze. As Rachel wiped away her tears, revealing what was there. Nothing. She lay on a cold black hard rock like surface which stretched for miles and miles in every direction.
"Where am I?" Elvy was lying next to her, curled up in the fetus position.
"Elvy!" She cried out, jumping up and shaking him. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
"Where are we?" He asked.
"I don't know." Rachel replied, even though she knew. They were in the barren-land Dran had spoke of.

* * *

"So they wish to find the book of the dead?" An ancient voice came from the shadows.
"Y-y-yes my lord." Ro said, not looking up.
"The fools!" The voice called out. "How do they wish to enter my territory? Will they use their gate again?"
"No s-s-sire...they have f-f-f-found a race, sire, that can not be seen by our Akhluts," Ro stuttered.
"What race?" The voice asked, sounding grave.
"Sir, they will start expecting th-th-things if I am away this long...I h-h-have to go,"
"WHAT RACE?" The voice called out, extending a fleshless hand.
"S-s-s-s-stanios sire," Ro stuttered.
"Be gone," The voice said. Ro disappeared.
"BaCelik!" The voice called out. Out of a corner came a bear-chested man, his eyes red, and had the wings of a bat. "Send the Kumakatok to the valley of Stanio," The voice said, grinning.
"Yessssssss, my lord," The man said bowing.


* * *

"What are we going to do out here?" Elvy asked.
"I don't know. We should probably keep walking in one direction though." Rachel replied.
"Without food or water?" Rachel didn't answer. Her Blue Nightgown was already smeared with dirt from their flying experience. She stood up, trying to look brave for her brother. All her life long she had looked after her brother as if he was her little brother.
"Well, lets go then." Rachel asked, and started walking in any random direction.
"That's stupid." Elvy commented.
"What's stupid?" Rachel asked.
"Walking in any direction for a really long while."
"What do you suggest we do?" Rachel asked.
"Ummm.......What about walk in that direction?" Elvy said, pointing in the opposite direction Rachel walked.
"Oh you genius," Rachel asked smiling.
"What?" Elvy asked.

* * *


They came on legs of shadow. They fought against peasants, unarmed. They burnt the houses. They slaughtered the children, butchered the women, and enslaved the men. They brought their spoils to their master to devour. They were the servants of death.

* * *

Rachel stopped walking.
"What?" Elvy asked. Rachel looked around her. Something had happened. The wind whispered it to her.
"Whispered?" Rachel thought. "Am I going mad?" Then, suddenly, she heard one dark word, clearly. Death.

Chapter V: topic38742.html
Last edited by Reuben A on Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  





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Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:12 am
Linx says...



Ooooh. Creepy! *shudders* I have to say that so far, this is your best post. There were few mistakes, and it made sense!

"I think only Dran knows now," Period here, not comma.
"But then why don't we ask him?"
"Good point," Period here, not comma.
"Let's go now," Elvy said.
"Now? It's practical a tornado!"
"What's a tornado?" Elvy asked.
"Winds swirling, picking up....stuff." Rachel replied. Comma here, not period


I know dialogue (did I spell that right?) is a hard thing. It just takes some time to get it right. :D

Also, in some parts you didn't capitalize the beginnings of sentences. And you didn't capitalize Stantio in some parts either.
It also might help to describe more of the death scene. To length it out longer, and make us feel more creepy. :D
Good job though! :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)
  





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Sat Nov 29, 2008 10:59 am
Lord Anzius says...



Okay. How did Ro get to the place he went to? Explain.

There aren't many mistakes here that I could see. The only ones are the comma and period mistakes. And I am not going to list them.

The story is going on well. although I don't get this thing... If the wind was powerful enough to lift two children, how in the earth did it not lif their tent?
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-
  








What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
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