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Beyond the hills-Chapter 1



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Sun Oct 19, 2008 3:57 pm
Reuben A says...



You won't understand this if you haven't read the prologue: topic37432.html

CHAPTER I
Under a great big willow, surrounded by miles soft green turf, Rachel sat, her nose buried deep in a big leather-bound book. She lifted her head. In the distance, green hills could be seen encircling her small valley. Rachel came from the only village within the valley. It's name was Stanio, and was made almost entirely of small wooden houses with thatched roofs. About a meter from the first hut, the turf stopped, and the dirt roads started. The only road that wasn't dirt, was the central road, which was cobbled, and led far away, over the hills and beyond. No-one knew where the road led, because no-one was allowed to go past the hills. It was said that beyond the hills lay evil. But Rachel's dad, a blacksmith by trade, disagreed with this. Rachel returned her attention to her book. Suddenly, she heard a loud cry. On the soft turf, just far enough for Rachel not to have noticed them was a big circle of people shouting:
"Fight! Fight!"
Rachel closed her book, and started walking towards the circle. She pushed through the crowd of children to get to the center. On the grass, there lay Elvy, Rachel's twin brother, with Zuriagh sitting on top of him, hitting Elvy with all his might.
"Zuriagh! Stop!" Rachel cried out. No-one heard her. With all her might she pushed Zuraigh off Elvy. Bending over Elvy, she saw that his nose was clearly broken, and his face was seriously bruised. Behind her the crowd was dispersing.
"Elvy, are you Ok?" Rachel asked. No answer. Out of her pocket, she pulled a small wooden whistle her dad had given to her for if Elvy got hurt again. She blew on it with all her might, sending out a high pitched squeal. Quickly, Rachel stuck her hand in her pocket, and brought out a bandage and a leaf.
"Why does this always happen to you?" She asked herself. She spat on the leaves, making them soggy, rolled it up, and stuck it up his bleeding nostril. Withing a few minutes, her dad came running. With out a word, he picked up Elvy, and carried him away. This wasn't the first time Elvy had been beaten up. He was just the kind of person that people tended to pick on. Sighing, Rachel stood up. She picked up her book, and started off in the direction of the village.

* * *

Everyone gasped.
"Are you sure of your facts Por?" Barr asked.
"I have been researching it for twenty years...unless I have made a huge mistake, I am sure,"
"Then we must send out a messenger at once! The fastest rider within our world!" The King called out.
"Sir...in this weather?" Ro asked. "The storm shall break the poor horse's legs and burn the rider alive!"
"We have no choice, the weather shall never calm."

* * *

Rachel stared out of her bedroom window. It was night, and again there was a storm raging. Elvy lay next to Rachel. She had been appointed to take care of him, since she was to be a apprentice healer the next year. On his hand she had put a bandage soaked in greenberry juice.
"Thanks," She heard him say behind her.
"Took you a fair time to wake up, didn't it?" She asked him sarcastically. He smiled.
"Why did Zuriagh hit you this time?" She asked.
"He said that I was trespassing into his territory," Elvy replied.
"Territory?" Rachel asked.
"I was looking at the horses," Elvy had always adored the horses. They all belonged to Zuriagh's father. Elvy dreamed to learn to ride a horse, but their parents didn't have enough money to pay the fees.

Rachel woke with sounds of voices. She lay in the bed next to Elvy.
"...what says you to my offer," She heard a strange voice talk.
"We'll consider," She heard her dad replying. After a while, she heard her dad continuing.
"Sixteen gold pieces."
"But that's six more than the original price!" The other voice cried out in dismay.
"Well, you should consider how much this saving the world thing matters to you."
"Fine. But that's for them both."
"Deal."

A while later, Rachel had gotten dressed, and stepped cautiously outside. In the kitchen, her father sat with a small leather pack on the table.
"Ray..." her father started. He only used her nickname when he was about to tell her something bad.
"You and Elvy's going away for awhile,"
"Where to?" Rachel asked. She had never even been to the foot of the hills.
"Somewhere beyond the hills"


Chapter 2: topic37965.html
Last edited by Reuben A on Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:32 pm, edited 9 times in total.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  





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Sun Oct 19, 2008 5:33 pm
Kaylyn says...



Oh, this sounds good. I can't wait to see where the story goes this time. I know that th past few have been great. I don't think I remember reading the prologue so I'll have to go back and do it. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation mistakes, but then again I don't exactly have an eeagle's eye for them. It sounds very intereesting and I'll be following this story closely. Please PM me to let me know when the next one is out. Until then, great job, good luck, and keep writing!
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.
  





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Sun Oct 19, 2008 5:35 pm
peanut19 says...



Hi, I thought this was a good 1st chapter. There was only one little bitty small thing that I noticed.
No-one knew where the road led.
there shouldn't be a hyphen in between no and one just space. Also instead of saying:
With a force she pushed Zuriagh off of Elvy
I think it would better explain what she was doing if you said," With great force she pushed Zuriagh off of Elvy." Unless she has some sort of powers which you should explain that she does. Hope this helps I'm not that great at critiquing. Hope to read more!
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


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Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:56 am
Lord Anzius says...



ooookay. I accidentally read the second chapter first... sorry.

Everyone gasped.
"Are you sure of your facts Por?" Barr asked.
"I have been researching it for twenty years...unless I have made a huge mistake, I am sure,"
"Then we must send out a messenger at once! The fastest rider within our grasp (grasp. That is when you want to say that you have someone in custody or as a prisoner or where you want them. Just dump the grasp and replace it with something like: the fastest rider we have.)!" The King called out.
"Sir...in this weather?" Ro asked. "The storm shall break the poor horse's legs[b](Storm? break legs?) and burn the rider alive!"
"We have no choice...the weather shall never calm."



Okay. that's about it....... There might be something else but if there was I didn't notice it. Keep on the good work.


********************************************************************************''

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE :smt029
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-
  





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Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:28 am
Linx says...



Hiya! I am back! :D
First off, good again! You are developing this very nicely. :D
Now on to the crits!

Elvy dreamed to learn to ride a horse, but his parents didn't have enough money to pay the fees.

Isn't Elvy and Rachel twins? Then why does it say "his" parents. That part got me a little bit confused.

Also, you kept on using the dot,dot,dot,dots. Like this :arrow: .................
I'm sorry, but that really doesn't work well with me. You could put commas or stop it and say they paused for a moment. Something like that. All these dots make me see dots! :D
Other than that and the stuff everyone else has taken care of, I liked it! Good job! :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

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Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:11 am
Wanderer777 says...



I loved it! I'm not really great with the crit part but I can tell you that I didn't find anything wrong with it and also, keep up the good work and I'm going to go read the others right now! Ta!
Obstacles are those frightening things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
  








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