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Beyond the hills-Chapter 2



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Tue Oct 28, 2008 4:41 pm
Reuben A says...



Prologue: topic37432.html
Chapter 1: topic37490.html

CHAPTER II
"Darkness is gathering. It's arms are stretching over the sky, poised like a spider waiting for it's victim." Barr began. "We have with no doubt postponed this for far to long. We ride out today,"
"But, like you said, Darkness is gathering, why do you wish to ride out in this dark hour?" Ro asked.
"I said gathering, I did not say it is upon us!"
"But then where to shall you ride? All races have failed,we can not seek shelter there," Ro went on.
"We shall ride to the wise, they shall know what to do." Said Barr.
"We are the wise!"
"We are the Elders....the wise shall not hold counsel for they shan't meddle in the maters of mortals."
"Then you talk not of the wise, you talk of the gods!"
"Only one of their many names." Barr replied.


* * *


"Beyond the hills?" Rahel asked. "Is that even possible?" Her dad laughed
"Apparently it is," He replied.
"What will it be like?"
"I don't know. You will have a guide, with the name Dran. You will be starting the day after tomorrow." Rachel gasped. No-one had ever been across the hills.
"Where to?" She whispered, choking on her last word.
"I've already told you...beyond the hills."
"But where beyond the hills?"
"Oh, I don't know!" Her dad cried out. Silently, Rachel walked out the door. Outside, she was greeted by the same cheerful sight as always. Across the lane was Miss Larvy, the bakers wife who obviously ate more of her wares than ever reached the light of day, sweeping the walkway up to her house. Next to her was the tanner, standing outside, and boasting about the best quality shirts in all the valley. In the middle of the lane was a merchant from the edge of the valley, yelling prices and selling strange red flowers, and salt. It was a strange combination, but all that could be found in that remote corner of the valley. So far, she was the only person ever to leave the valley. Somehow, that made her feel lonely. She stepped into the dirt road, and walked where it took her. She knew these roads like the back of her hand, and could draw maps of it. After a while of walking, she reached the edge of the houses, beyond this was endless fields of turf. On the horizon was a singular willow tree. It was the only tree in the valley. In the distance, she saw the hills, and she imagined what could be beyond them. Evy jogged up from behind her.
"What are you looking at?" He asked.
"The hills. Did dad tell you?"
"Yes." He answered.

* * *

The following two days went very much the same. She was taking a last look of the village before she left. Elvy did much the same, he ran through the fields and up the roads. Only on the third day, one day late, did Dran arrive. He wore a tattered and torn leather coat, his long dark hair flowing out behind it.
"You're late," Rachel's dad told him the moment he opened the door.
"Yes, I was....delayed," Dran replied. "So, where are they?"
"Packing," Rachel packed as little as possible. She packed in her story book, a small diary, clothes, and a small statue that she had bought the year before. Elvy packed his dagger, clothes, and a horse saddle he had picked up. It was pointless to take it with him, but it was his none the less, and special to him. Rachel threw her bag over her shoulders, and walked out, followed by Elvy.
"Hello, my name is-"
"Dran." Rachel finished his sentence.
"And my name is Rachel."
"And mine Elvy!" And with a few short goodbyes, they were off, to the hills.

Chapter 3: topic38391.html
Last edited by Reuben A on Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:38 pm, edited 4 times in total.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  





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Reviews: 123
Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:45 am
Lord Anzius says...



okay... nice. Not too many mistakes (that I saw).

So far, she was the only person ever to leave the valley. Somehow, that made her felt lonely.


don't you mean feel?


When you say that in all of the valley there was only one tree... what were the houses build of?
Or had all the other trees been cut down to build the houses?
These little details can always be constructed better.

For example you could say that the willow was the only WILLOW or that it was the only tree in the endles fields of turf.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-
  





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Reviews: 228
Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:52 am
Linx says...



I bet you love seeing me now! :D

Barr began. "We have with no doubt postponed this for far to long. We ride out today,"

At the end there, replace the comma with a period.


"But, like you said...Darkness is gathering...why do you wish to ride out in this dark hour?" Ro asked.

I think you like the ........
This line was kind of weird. This is how I would do it:
"But like you said, darkness is gathering. Why do you wish to ride out in this dark hour?"

"We shall ride to the wise...they shall know what to do." Said Barr

Take out the ... and put a comma. Then put for right that. It will help the line very much. Also, that should be a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue. And said should not be capitalized. And a period needs to be after Barr.

"We are the Elders....the wise shall not hold counsel for they shan't meddle in the maters of mortals."
"Then you talk not of the wise...you talk of the gods!"
"Only one of their many names.

I got lost during that part of the dialogue. Who is speaking? :?
Maters is spelled wrong. It should be matters.
There also needs to be a closing quotation mark at the end of that last line.

Across the lane was miss Larvy

Miss needs to be capitalized.

next to her was the tanner, standing outside, and boasting about the best quality shirts in all the valley. in the middle of the lane was a merchant from the edge of the valley, yelling prices and selling strange red flowers, and salt.

Next and in both need to be capitalized. Taking out that comma between outside & and would help too.

"Hello, my name is-"
"Dran." Rachel finished his sentence.
"And my name is Rachel."
"And mine Elvy!" And with a few short goodbyes, they were off, to the hills.

It got a bit confusing in there. If there is any way you can clear that part up, that would be great! :D
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)
  








A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles