Young Writers Society

If you want to understand this you must read the 1-3 chapters of this book.



THE TWO THIEVES IN THE DARK


It was a dark night, one of the darkest of them all. It is on this kind of nights when these things happen. We moved through the night as silently as we could.
There were a peculiarly great amount of cats in the area, around the shop.
Mike silently danced through the night, stepping on the stones that made no sounds.
Me on the other hand, inexperienced with silent moving made creeping sounds and great thumps on my every step.

“Mike, were here.” I whispered to him in the darkness. The gnome turned towards me.
“Where is it?” he murmured. I pointed to the tiny alleyway where the shop stood silently. The gnome nodded and continued his way to the door of the shop.
As he stood by the door he beckoned me to follow him. When I finally got to him he had one of his hands stretched out at me:
“The card.” He commanded me. I followed orders and put my hand into my pocket, when I pulled my hand out I had a poker card in my hands, the
ace of hearts. I passed it to Mike.

Mike moved his hands on the lock to-and-fro until we heard the tiniest distinguished sound from it… A tiny metallic click.

As we stepped in the candles flared into flames, in a magic like manner. I almost jumped back had someone seen us? I was about to turn to run when Mike grabbed my shirt and said "Shh."
Even Mike seemed a bit dumbfounded, but that did not take long.
"SO where is the sword?" he asked. “I want to get out of here. This place reeks of demonic magic… Dark arts.” He explained his haste.
I looked around myself. I saw the sword on close to the cupboard.
I pointed at it. The gnome tilted his head, walked at it in a relaxed manner and lifted it.

That was about the same moment in which the great big crystal lamp on the ceiling dropped at the gnome, a shadowy figure seemed to move on the wall, and the owner stepped out of the STAFF ONLY room.

That was also when Mike jumped away from the lamp, the shadowy figure disappeared and when the owner noticed what was happening.

Mike ran at me full speed. “If we die today.” He said “I’m blaming you.”
I looked at him angry “This was your idea.” We ran to the door, I could hear a sound from behind me, which, oddly enough, reminded me of a knife hitting a door; I picked up some more speed.
“I do not wish to alarm you, Jack.” But it seems though, he has found a bow and a few arrows.” Mike said.
"Is he trying to kill us?!"
Mike sprinted in front of me “I dunno ,but I’ll meet you home.” He stated and handed me the sword. He ran off sight. That was when an arrow hit the ground just next to me, missing me by sheer inches.

“Aw, shit!” I exclaimed in a grumpy manner



[spoiler]NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE ABOUT THESE TWO GUYS GOING TO THE UNDERWORLD!!! Chapters name is: Underworld Express[/spoiler]

It was a dark night, one of the darkest of them all. We moved through the night as silently as we could.

Thats all you can say about a night? - It was a dark, moonless, scary night. One of the darkest nights i`ve ever seen. It was like the night itself told us to get out of there.

There were a peculiarly great amount of cats in the area, around the shop.

And...???? You were alergic to cats? Afraid that they will see you and become monster cats?

Mike silently “danced” through the night, stepping on the stones that made no sounds. Me on the other hand, inexperienced of silent moving made creeping sounds and great thumps on my every step.

Nothing here.

“Mike, were here.” I whispered to him in the darkness. The gnome turned at me

“Where is it?” he asked in a whispering tone. I pointed to the tiny alleyway where the shop stood silently. The gnome nodded and continued its way to the door of the shop.

"The gnome turned at me stopping his "silent dance"

Mike ran at me full speed. “If we die today.” He said “I’m blaming you.”

*Roll on the floor laughing* Funny.

I do not wish to alarm you, Jack.” But it seems though, he has found a bow and a few arrows.” Mike said. Mike sprinted in front of me “I’ll meet you home.” He stated and handed me the sword. He ran off sight. That was when an arrow hit the ground just next to me, missing me by sheer inches.

“Aw, shit!” I exclaimed in a grumpy manner

Nice ending. I would really like to see this chapter bigger. Thats all to point out.

'The gnome turned at me' Not at, to.'as I pull my hand out I...' Pulled. 'As we stepped in the candles flared into flames, in a magic like manner' leave the 'the', because you haven't mentioned the candles before. Jeez! Have you tried to publish this yet? You would succeed if you try.

No, the story is further than the script

Me on the other hand, inexperienced of silent moving made creeping sounds and great thumps on my every step.

You could cut out the whole middle part of this sentence, improving the flow:
"Me on the other hand, inexperienced, made thumps and clacking noises with every step."

....Well, actually, I didn't find too much wrong with this bit at all. It's almost shaming to have so little to say!
You need to watch your punctuation, but other then that this is one of your better fragments of story. You could attempt to draw out the suspense by adding description, rather then just listing actions. But you flow has improved here and nothing screamed "awkward!" at me, so well done.
Geez.
This critique is too short.
*sigh*
Oh well, good job! ^_^

-Nutty

It was a dark night, one of the darkest of them all. It is on this kind of nights when these things happen.

We moved through the night as silently as we could.


There were a peculiarly great amount of cats in the area, around the shop.

I don't like how you space things, you don't need to start new paragraphs every few sentences. I'm not even sure why you start new paragraphs the way you do. Also the first two sentences are very telling. I want more showing!

Mike silently “danced” through the night, stepping on the stones that made no sounds.

You don't need the quotation marks around danced.

Me on the other hand, inexperienced of silent moving made creeping sounds and great thumps on my every step.

I think of should be at. Also, I love this comparison of Mike and Jack. I like that you've made Mike the graceful one.

“Mike, we're here.” I whispered to him in the darkness. The gnome turned at me

The gnome turned towards me.

“Where is it?” he asked in a whispering tone. I pointed to the tiny alleyway where the shop stood silently. The gnome nodded and continued its way to the door of the shop.

Reword: He murmured. (I don't know, I think that sounds better). I thinks its should be him, you are talking about Mike right? If so, he isn't an it, because we know what he is.

I followed orders and put my hand into my pocket, as I pull my hand out I had a poker card in my hands, an ace of hearts.

An should be the and you were missing of in there.

[s]

I silently but swiftly gave the card to Mike.

[/s]

You don't need this, it drags the story down.

As we stepped in the candles flared into flames, in a magic like manner. I looked open mouthed. Even Mike seemed a bit surprised, but that did not take long.

This all seems very forced. Obviously if candles flare into flames on their own accord it has something to do with magic...or insanity. And I wanted more of a reaction from Jack then just open-mouthed surprise.

[s]"What was it that you wanted from here, Jack?” he asked [/s]“I want to get out of here. This place reeks of evil magic… Dark arts.” He explained his haste.

Why does Mike ask what Jack wants from the shop? Haven't they discussed that he wanted the sword? I'd just strike that first bit out

Mike ran at me full speed. “If we die today.” He said “I’m blaming you.”

I love this sentence, I laughed when I read it.

Overall: Since I don't like redundancies, I won't sound like a broken record, going over and over what I think you did well and what you need to work on. (See chapter three's summary and you'll catch my drift). Sorry it has taken me so long to get to these chapters, but I'm almost done! I hope I have been some help to you.