Young Writers Society

I loved the taste of his disregard in the morning;
It sailed through my being, leaving its hooks
To ensure that I ignored every warning
No matter how much of my mind he took.

He said “Let’s descend to our own private hell”.
Who was I to decline, with my translucent skin,
And the belief that he would serve me well
Instead of turning me to ash within?

He lit golden fires across my heart’s plains
And let their romantic lighting entrance me
As he ensured he was my only pain,
And led me to the furnace through hazy dance.

I saw the tips of my hair start to smolder
But they were not me then, and neither was I.
I felt his strong, calloused hands growing colder
As he reached for the scissors and asked me, “Why fly

Amongst planets and stars, when they fade in the light?
This silken darkness grants a long embrace
And will induct you into lasting night
Which, of course, is your predestined place.”

The top of my mind was melting down
And dripping out of my fire-crossed eyes,
And so I blindly accepted his crown
And made myself partner to all of his lies.

The floor before me is ashes and dreams
Which I speared with the hard part of my heart.
My story has lost substantial scenes
Since his cold beguilement set me apart.

I look at the ceiling before my eyes fall
Under the spell of what is now my source.
There’s nothing to do but ignore the faint call;
“This is what you swore you would never endorse.”

Wow. That was awesome - smokin', if you'll pardon the pun. There were a few things I felt which didn't mesh. For example:

entrance
Me as he ensured he was my only pain,
And led me to the furnace through hazy dance.

I'd have to shift "me" to the same line as "entrance" and perhaps alter the hazy dance line to fit, as it sounded a bit forced anyway.

lasting nights
Which, of course, are your predestined place.”

I'd make this singular, as it feels/sounds better.

My story has lost substantial reams
Since his cold beguilement set me apart.

This doesnt make much sense. I don't think "reams" is quite the right word.

I don't know about the last verse; I think you should either scrap it or change it as it doesn't have enough power for me. The "endorse" rhyme is too ... cliche? Try something new.

Overall, though, that was one powerful poem. I really loved the imagery. Great work!

Cheers,
~bubbles

This only has one critique? This saddens me. I really enjoyed reading this, and sorry I haven't gotten around to critiquing it sooner. A couple of things, the third stanza doesn't have the same rhyming scheme as the rest - me not rhyming with dance threw me off a little. Apart from that, I love your rhyming. Instead of using simple rhymes like some people, like my, by, do, to, see be, etc, you use longer words and make them rhyme, like source and endorse, which is great. I really like the structure of your poem as well. "And let their romantic lighting entrance me" is a little difficult to say, and I didn't really get that line. Apart from that, this is very well written, and I loved reading it. Let me know if you want me to look at anything else, it was a pleasure reading your work.