Young Writers Society

The Nave has Twilight
by Poor Imp

The nave has twilight's still,
a rook's nest, the choir loft -
silence is a candle's thrill

and tortured Christ is built
in cracked stone, aloft -
sanctus, sanctus, spills

the crimson light, distilled
in incense dust that wafts -
silence is a candle's thrill.

The dome holds dusty trill
of plain-chant, faded soft
sanctus, sanctus spills

into the pews and still;
in the penitent's hoarse cough -
silence is a candle's thrill.

For the quiet and the rill
of traditions past, blood draught
silence is a candle's thrill
sanctus, sanctus spills.

Mea Culpa I

Service had ended a while ago, but a few people still remained kneeling or sitting in the pews, praying to the Lord. The inside of the chapel made one feel as though they were in a time far gone by, and it’s vaulted ceiling made even the tallest person feel small in the presence of God. The stained glass windows left glimmering colors on the faces of those who walked down the aisle to leave. As they opened the church doors, a gust of cold wind would push past them to wrap its fingers ‘round the faithful ones still inside. One woman could be heard praying to herself in a pew not far from the doors. She shuddered as the wind played with her dark hair, but she didn’t allow it to distract her.

“Spare us, good Lord, from all evil and wickedness; from sin; from the crafts…” Delilah Prynne sat in a hunched posture, so as to keep herself isolated from the others in the church. A man had just come in, and after crossing himself with holy water, he was now looking for a place to sit. Hunching slightly more, she hoped the man would not sit near her.

She continued her prayer, “…and assaults of the devil; and from everlasting damnation, Good Lord, deliver us.” As soon as the last word passed her lips, Delilah noticed the man was standing near her.

“May I sit here?” He was polite, but the man still bothered her.

“Yes,” she whispered.

The man kneeled down to pray. Delilah could see the words on his lips: please give me the strength, Lord, to do what I must…She stopped watching him and continued her own prayers. It was rude to watch someone else pray. Their words were only for God.

A few moments of silent prayers passed between the two, until at last the man sat down next to her. “My name is Michael,” he whispered, so that no one but she would hear him. Delilah wanted to say, I do not care, Michael. “What is your name?”

“Are we not to be praying or worshiping God, rather than socializing?” she retorted. Delilah saw that he looked not only put off by her harsh tone, but also saddened. He looked away from her and at his feet. “Delilah,” she whispered back.

Delilah swore she heard Michael laugh, but when she looked at him, he was still. “Delilah is a beautiful name. She brought down one of the strongest men ever to live. I can only hope you aren’t as she was…”

She wasn’t sure what to say to this. Delilah noticed that he was looking at her wrist… and why shouldn’t he be? On the inside of her left wrist (and the man was sitting to her right, giving him full view) was a scar. About the width of two fingers, if not three, the scar seemed to attract more attention than Delilah could ever hope to. Finally, Michael’s eyes moved slowly back to her face.

“Do you come to church a lot?” Delilah couldn’t believe how much conversation this man wanted to have.

“Yes, but I do not see how that is any of your business.” Having spoken, she crossed herself, laced her fingers together, and went back to praying. When she bowed her head, she produced a barrier around her with her hair.

“Oh, well of course it isn’t any of my business, it is only that…Well, your scar there, it’s—”

At the mention of her scar, Delilah’s hand traveled down and covered it.

Rather than continue with his previous sentence, Michael started anew. “Why do you come to church so often? I come because I like to sit with the other people. Being in a room with so many people praying to God; can’t you just feel him inside you?”

Delilah’s hand was still gripped around her wrist, so tightly in fact that her nails were pressing into her skin. Had they been longer, she might have started bleeding.

“Why do you insist on having a conversation?” she snapped. Delilah looked right at him, leaving nothing to guard her from his stares. Her voice had still been silent, one mustn’t be too loud, but harsh enough to get her point across.

The man seemed unaffected by this, as if he hadn’t even heard what she said. Delilah expected him to say something like, “Come again?” but he kept silent. For the few minutes they had been sitting together, this was the first time she truly noticed what he looked like. Delilah wasn’t the kind of person to really care about physical features, or even pay attention to them, but the man’s eyes were so blue, like the night sky, and it wasn’t that they were blue; it was how penetrating they were. She felt something inside of her quiver, and perhaps it was her heart.

“I am sorry,” she began, “I am not good at being sociable and especially…when in a church.”

Michael smiled. “I am not either.”

“Then perhaps you were meant to sit near me? If we’re both so… similar.” By this time she had let go of her wrist, confident that he wasn’t staring at the scar anymore.

“Then you believe that God does everything with a purpose?”

“Yes. Everything that God should will is what is right…”

“The way you finish your sentence, I would think you want to follow that with a ‘but’.”

She kept silent for a few minutes more. Delilah closed her eyes and prayed quickly before speaking again. “Do you ever wish that some things had not happened…? That they had not been in God’s will?”

Michael nodded. “It’s only human nature to wish that. So long as we respect that God knows what he is doing and that his decision is the right one. Sometimes, though…we can’t accept that.” He looked quickly at her scar, only to let her know what he meant, and then back to her eyes.

“What right do you, a stranger, have to come to me and preach about something you don’t understand?” She leaned a bit forwards towards Michael, presenting herself in such a way that, in any given moment, she might lunge at him and attack.

“You would not leave such a personal thing in the public eye if you didn’t want someone to see it.” Michael had a way of speaking without any cruelty, even if he was replying to someone who spoke to him harshly, as Delilah had. He found it allowed for the other person to calm down, and he was right. Though his words bothered her deeply, Delilah was less aggravated merely because he said them in a kind and comforting way.

“The Puritan’s believed only a public punishment would remove the sin.” It was all she could think of saying.

“In their time, though, the punishment was given by the elect, and not by the sinner. Even so, punishing yourself is something of a dangerous practice. You might agree with me that God is the only punisher? Although some would want to look at it in a positive way: he is the only savior, and Satan our only punisher.”

His voice was musical, each word resembling a gentle note on the piano, perhaps from Bram’s lullaby. Again, Michael was trying to sooth Delilah, though his words were accusing.

Delilah thought she should say something, anything. “It is my body!” she wanted to shout, but she knew that the statement was flawed. It was her body, but it was also God’s temple for her soul. If one does not take care of the temple, then the soul is also not being taken care of. In the end, she knew she could not reply to such a thing without sounding like a fool.

Michael wanted to smile at her, because he could see she was frustrated. She had started to twitch just a little; the only physical sign of her torture apart from the scar. “I don’t mean to be so accusing. I believe that you are a good person, but now that I have sat near you, and spoken with you, and seen…that, I cannot help but worry for you.”

She looked at her feet and let her hair fall in her face again. Delilah wanted to hide, in fact, she desperately wanted to get up and run from the church, but she was trapped in her seat. Michael’s stare kept her in place. “It is only for God to worry about me.”

“But should I not take care of my neighbor? Delilah, I can tell something is bothering you. Would you allow me to help you?”

She shuddered, and Michael saw. He wanted to touch her face, or even just her hand, because he knew that it would comfort her. It was easy to tell that she was alone, and had been for such a long time. Perhaps she wanted to be left alone to her own affairs, but more than anything Michael knew it was that she was afraid of someone caring. Delilah couldn’t understand why anyone would care.

“I do not want or need your help. God will help me when I need it.”

“Did you not say that I might have sat next to you with reason? And what if this is the reason? You cannot deny my offering, because you know very well that this might be God’s own hand reaching out to you.”

Having spoken, Michael took her hand carefully, being sure not to surprise her, and held it. Delilah’s fingers were cold and thin. If Michael hadn’t known that she was living, he would have sworn he had just grabbed onto the hand of a skeleton.

“I do not need your help!” She pulled her hand away from his and stood.

What happened next was much more of a shock to Michael than it had been to anyone else in the church at the time. As soon as Delilah stood, and not a moment later, she fainted.

She was lucky enough that Michael caught her before she hit the ground. From that point, there was nothing Michael could do but care for his neighbor.
---

This is part one of a six part novella. All comments are greatly appreciated! Bonus points to whoever can catch the symbolism. ^_^

“Why do you insist on having a conversation?” she snapped. Delilah looked right at him, leaving nothing to guard her from his stairs. Her voice had still been silent, one mustn’t be too loud, but harsh enough to get her point across.

stares.

Her voice was so quiet that if Michael hadn’t seen her lips moving, he would have thought she wasn’t speaking.

maybe "he wouldn't have known she was speaking" instead?

“The way you finish your sentence, I would think you want to follow that with a ‘but’.”

Maybe say something like 'her voice trailed, but was completed with nothing" or something like that to this effect? Otherwise it's kind of an awkward statement to the reader.

“What right do you, a stranger, have to come to me and preach about something you don’t even understand?”

Another awkwardness here, maybe something along the lines of "you don't even know me" or something like that...rather than you don't understand?

She shuddered, and Michael saw. He wanted to touch her face, or even just her hand, because he knew that it would comfort her. It was easy to tell that she was alone, and had been for such a long time. Perhaps she wanted to be left alone to her own affairs, but more than anything Michael knew it was that she was afraid of someone carrying. Delilah couldn’t understand why anyone would care.

Why does he suddenly see this? There isn't really any sign of it...so why the sudden revelation?

“I do not need your help!” She pulled her hand away from his and stood. “Please, sir, do not follow me out.”

So mad...and then suddenly so polite? I little to contradictory.

What happened next was much more of a shock to Michael than it had been to anyone else in the church at the time. As soon as Delilah stood, and not a moment later, she fainted. “Please, sir…” had not even escaped from her lips—it was only what she had planned to say had she finally stood.

ahhhhhh confusion! If she didn't say it, then don't have her say it.......overwise it just sounds weird and is too hard to explain to the reader, jars the mind.

Her body collapsed, but she was lucky enough that Michael caught her before she could hit her head and be in any serious danger. From that point, there was nothing Michael could do but care for his neighbor.

Consider ditching "her body collapsed", we already know this, and just start with "Delilah was lucky enough" and consider cutting the end of that sentence, too...it's too informativelike. just say something like "before she hit the ground." and leave it at that. And I think I get the point of the last sentence, but maybe a reword would be appropriate....I just don't know what reword that is, exactly lol.

All in all it's really pretty good, just a few issues with the grammar....but the content is good. I look forward to the next installment!

Archangel Michael? Samson and Delilah?

Anyway! My biggest peeve was it didn't really seem like she was really in a cathedral. If they were talking and everything, there would be people glaring at them from other pews and maybe even shushing her. Or maybe there would be people talking and socializing with themselves.

But even if nobody cared, then it still makes me raise an eyebrow because there are so many things to be focusing on. There are crosses and candles and figures of the Virgin Mary and Joseph and Jesus, just in my church! In a cathedral, there's a lot more! For one, cathedrals are HUGE. They're where the bishops are located, and because of bishops being so revered (when he came to our measly parish, we were given a list of names we could call him, and they were very kingly titles, like "your grace" and all that sort of stuff). So bishops are rather "kingly." And did I mention cathedrals are HUGE? You have to make a bigger deal of Michael deciding to sit next to her. Because in a cathedral, that is something huge.

We catholics have this strange superstition of wanting holy relics in the church, and especially in a place so grand as a cathedral. And so we'll have all these things everywhere, sometimes old statues from the 1600s (a chapel I go to has one of the Virgin and Christ) and so on. There are even churches which have some cloth that are supposedly the burial rags of Christ -- go figure. So while people do kneel and pray, they also go around to these statues and holy relics and pray to them and rub their hands or feet. In fact, in my church, you can see where the statues have been rubbed because those parts are shiny. Or maybe they'll light candles or something. It's HIGHLY superstitious. So, while you will have people kneeling to pray, there are so many other things you can do to pray that it seems weird that there's no movement in the cathedral, besides Michael.

And the stained glass windows! You can't take that lightly, as if it's only a mere description. Stained glass windows often are where The Passion is played out or the last judgement or something special, though mostly the Passion. So you'll have Christ go through all the various events that led to his death, and often in the very center, right near where the father sits (father is priest by the way... I don't think I've mentioned that,) there's Jesus being raised up from the dead. AWESOME stuff.

Basic summary: Catholic churches are much more cluttered than other sorts of churches. Whenever I go to another church, it's weird to me because there doesn't seem to be enough to look at. The churches are simple and elegant. Catholic churches, on the other hand, are gaudy and ornate. And you need to make a big deal out of that.

So it's a solidly good first draft, but they're much too alone and detached from their environment to make it seem real. Edit it.

Hey Suzanne

First of, I quite liked this. It was quite compelling and refreshing to read, and the way you presented the theme was quite creative.

Your prose and descriptions was the main reason that you were able to convey such a strong impact on the reader. It was crafted in a simple manner, yet effective due to its wording and the links it has with the theme and how you've tied it with the people in the church. This creates quite a clear picture in the mind of the person and also carries this feeling which I can't explain in words. Best way I can put it is that the descriptions also bears weight on the reader and at the same time, it doesn't disrespect the church and the religion.

Characters in this were quite interesting. I really like the interaction between the two main character portrayed in this part. How you tied the descriptions, actions, thoughts and the dialogue of the characters adds that depth in their personality and creates this suspense and tension for the reader. I found myself reading just to know what the heck is happening as it is quite interesting. Then when it came to the ending "Bam!" I'm hooked lol. One thing that I think you could do better is probably explain a bit more of the character vs character interactions and the conflicts which are portrayed. It doesn't feel complete yet, but it is near there.

Another thing which I think you can work on is elaborating the idea of sin. Around the beginning, you mentioned "sin", yet this idea was not elaborated further as the piece continued, probably because you were focusing on the character vs character sequence. What I think you could do is expand on the actual definition of sin in this piece and how it has an influence on Delilah. What does she believe she is in sin of? Pride? Gluttony? What is it? How does this sin play a role in the character vs character interaction + conflict? How does this sin play a role in the character's interaction with the environment?

Right now, the way you portrayed sin is quite black and whiteish. It feels as though that if you have sin, you are therefore bad. It's really not as simple as that. People view sin in different ways. What one person considers is sinful may not be with another. That I think you need to work on as well. What exactly is considered sinful to Dalilah?

Ok that's all I have to say. Overall, I really enjoyed this Suzanne and I hope my critique helped ^^

Squallz>>

Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be replying to other people's critiques... but still!

In the story Samson and Delilah, Delilah betrays Samson after Samson loves her. So apparently, the sin that Delilah is guilty of is rejecting love and turning against it to betray everyone she loves, for greed. In this case, there seems to be twist (her slashed wrists) which imply that perhaps the person she betrayed is herself. From her prayers, she is asking for redemption in general, but from the description of herself, it seems almost apparent that she is trying to hide from asking forgiveness from God for herself by trying to ask for forgiveness of all of humanity. Which initially SOUNDS good, but to me it seems like she is trying to hide from her sins in the sins of humanity, and thus she is not ready to accept forgiveness of her sins, and thus she is doomed.

So when Michael comes, an angel in disguise, and points out the outward appearance of her sin (her slashed wrists) it means several things. One, she cannot hide from her sins of betrayal of herself and two, she has to face them. So I guess it IS slightly black and white, but there seems a bit more ambiguous than just that. She has sin, but she is by no means a bad person -- she simply will not let herself be forgiven since she cannot forgive herself. So the story turns from asking, "What is sin?" to "What is true forgiveness?" And from that, "How can one achieve true forgiveness?"

So I'm guessing that eventually she will have to learn how to accept herself as she is and, in doing so, be able to receive true forgiveness from Christ. ^_^

But we shall see!

but more than anything Michael knew it was that she was afraid of someone carrying. Delilah couldn’t understand why anyone would care.

caring

That's the only mistake I found while I read it. I'm interested in how this story might play out. It seems to me like religion will have a lot to do with it. As for the symbolism, I didn't catch any. Sorry >.<

I would especially heed Snoink's advice, as she apparently has a lot of knowledge concerning catholics.

Lets see, I won't be getting around to the general aspect of things near the end, I'm starting off with flow and such now.

Service [s]had[/s] ended a while ago

it sounds a little better to me without that.

Okay ignore that then, your novella lacks a time, the words you chose and how you phrased your sentences makes me think that its somewhere back in time. But I don't really have an idea when exactly.

Its very well written, seems like a romance (to me the hopeless romantic) in the making, and you'd best let me know when you get the next part out!

Hope my CC helpped, theres your head!

Ah Snoink, thanks for clarifying that bit for me. I didn't know that this piece had drawn influence from Samson and Delilah. In chat with Suzanne, I did admit that I had the impression that the sin was viewed in black and white so yeah.

In that case, I still believe that Suzanne should at least had linked one relevant description or action back with the sin idea as she had lost that as the plot progressed. It will make the theme of sin more evident and stronger and also establishes a firmer bond with her novella.

Thanks again Snoink

(Hope I don't get into trouble by responding to a person's response.)

I don't have anything new to contribute, I don't think... I agree with Snoink about making them seem less isolated from their surroundings. Cathedrals are really amazing to look at, even if you're not caught up in the spirituality, even if you're not that into architecture. I like the idea of having the people around them do something, because I think it'll really add to the overall effect, and make what's happening seem much more real. There were a couple of points when I felt like they were getting a little too involved/intense for two people who had just met. Having Delilah shush him and shift about helped, but having them notice the people/things around them, and maybe even interact with them to some degree, would really add to this.

Other stuff:

His voice was musical, each word resembling a gentle note on the piano, perhaps from Bram’s lullaby.

Does Brahm have an 'h' in his name? *is too lazy to look it up herself*

“The Puritan’s believed only a public punishment would remove the sin.” It was all she could think of saying.

You don't need the apostraphe in Puritans.

As they opened the church doors, a gust of cold wind would push past them to wrap its fingers ‘round the faithful ones still inside.

'Round seems really strange to me here. Your descriptions are poetry enough for this piece; you don't need this here.

Also, does the name Prynne have any significance? Michael and Delilah make sense, so I'm guessing that making Delilah's last name Prynne was a hint as well.

But overall, very nice, Suzie! I love the title and Imp's poem to open.

Thanks Areida!

I have some Qs... and some answers as well!

I'm going to eventually get around to editing the setting and adding more interaction and all that... I'm being eaten by school, as it is, though. ^_^ so, as soon as possible it will happen!

Your descriptions are poetry enough for this piece; you don't need this here.

Do you mean to say I do not need 'round, or do you mean the whole line?

Also, does the name Prynne have any significance? Michael and Delilah make sense, so I'm guessing that making Delilah's last name Prynne was a hint as well.

Prynne is an allegory to the story that inspired a lot of this, The Scarlet Letter. Hester Prynne is the main character/sinner, although, almost everyone in that book is a sinner...*shakes fist at Puritans* Dang Dirty Puritans! (Hehe, inside joke) There wasn't much reason for me to choose it otherwise.

Suzanne wrote:Do you mean to say I do not need 'round, or do you mean the whole line?

Yep, just meant the word itself. The line is great; I just think it sounds better using the full "around," rather than the shorter version.

Prynne is an allegory to the story that inspired a lot of this, The Scarlet Letter. Hester Prynne is the main character/sinner, although, almost everyone in that book is a sinner...*shakes fist at Puritans* Dang Dirty Puritans! (Hehe, inside joke) There wasn't much reason for me to choose it otherwise.

Hehe, just wondering if I was imagining a Hawthorne-esque feel to your story or if it was there on purpose.

Well, good luck with your schoolwork and making time for the editing. I'm looking forward to the next part!

Really enjoyed this piece, darling! And yeah, I thought Prynne was something to do with Scarlet Letter, and since you didn't give us much idea as to time period, my first thought was that maybe this was Hester's mom. *shrug* Oh well.

Anyway, just a few things I noticed:

When she bowed her head, she produced a barrier around her with her hair.

I loved this line, mostly cause I've done the same thing myself, and it really helped me connect with her, with how she's feeling.

Delilah wasn’t the kind of person to really care about physical features, or even pay attention to them, but the man’s eyes were so blue, like the night sky, and it wasn’t that they were blue; it was how penetrating they were.

The wording here feels awkward; I think you used too many words when fewer would have sufficed.

She felt something inside of her quiver, and perhaps it was her heart.

Great line, reveals a lot about her in just a few words.

As soon as Delilah stood, and not a moment later, she fainted.

I don't think you need "and not a moment later," it just slows the pace of the sentence, and sort of cancels out "as soon as" which gives a sense of immediacy to the fainting.


Well, that's all for now, darling, thanks for an engaging read!

First off, I love the poem you put at the beginning; I think it introduces everything perfectly as almost a procession into the rest of the story. And the rest of the story too, I love the tone; reading it, I feel like I'm sitting in a church pew watching what's happening. And writing this, I feel like I should be whispering.

Prynne ftw! And now: nitpicks ahoy ^_^

“Are we not to be praying or worshiping God, rather than socializing?” she retorted. Delilah saw that he looked not only put off by her harsh tone, but also saddened.

Socializing seemed like a strange word to use here; I wonder if she wouldn't use a ~euphemism to seem almost over-polite, like here:

“Yes, but I do not see how that is any of your business.” Having spoken, she crossed herself, laced her fingers together, and went back to praying. When she bowed her head, she produced a barrier around her with her hair.

^ she's not over-polite, per say, but she's not so conversational with him. And while I've pulled the quote, produced a barrier seems too blatant/blunt that she's hiding from everything, in contrast to the rest of the narration and Delilah's speech. I think rewording would be helpful.

Delilah swore she heard Michael laugh, but when she looked at him, he was still.

Delilah swore hehe. Makes sense in context, of course, but 'tis rather ironic word choice ^_^

“The way you finish your sentence, I would think you want to follow that with a ‘but’.”

Something about follow that with a 'but' sounds odd. Maybe another way to express how Delilah might wish to qualify her previous statement?

“What right do you, a stranger, have to come to me and preach about something you don’t understand?”

I don't know if she needs to clarify that he's a stranger.

His voice was musical, each word resembling a gentle note on the piano, perhaps from Bram’s lullaby.

I think it's Brahms's lullaby. And I think this could be condensed; maybe include how his voice was musical and then clarify that the words are like the notes? The lullaby piece just seems kinda tacked on the end there.

What happened next was much more of a shock to Michael than it had been to anyone else in the church at the time. As soon as Delilah stood, and not a moment later, she fainted.

This seems to happen too quickly. There's this big build-up where the reader is told that Michael can't believe what happened, and then she faints in seven words. The and not a moment later is nice for this, but it seems like there should have been more of a process, like maybe she gathered her purse or her coat (even though I know she did that in the previous paragraph) or did something rather than standing up immediately (did something as in word-wise, not actual action-wise, because it makes sense that she'd immediately/almost immediately stand up). If there's more buildup to her fainting, the she was lucky enough that Michael caught her... would be more refreshingly pure action.

Halfway through their conversation, I lost the sense that they were in a church; they could have been sitting in the park or at the office. It became more of Michael and Delilah's own little world. Kinda like when in the movie, the camera pans around the scene before finding the main characters and zooming in on them for the dialogue. Just don't lose the characters to this empty space; they're not floating in midair ^_^ Churches can have that loud silence about them, how you can sit there and pray, but you're not really alone.

I like this. I like how Michael and Delilah contrast, I like how they speak, and I have no idea where this is going, but I'm sure I'll like the rest of it too.

*pokes Suz*

Donde esta Mea Culpa II? Your fans cry out for more!