Emotional; personal

Every Time I Set My Eyes On You


Every time I set my eyes on you…
My heart overflows with never ending emotions
Emotions that cannot be expressed in words
Emotions that make my hair stand on end
And set a shy smile across my face

Every time I set my eyes on you…
My soul sinks in those deep chocolate puddles you call eyes
I loose a breath every time you smile
And every time I hear your voice
I am sent to a peaceful place far up in the clouds

Every time I set my eyes on you…
A small tear rolls down my cheek
I am overwhelmed just for the fact that you are near
For it seems as if I have waited an eternity
Since last you've held me in your arms

Every time I set my eyes on you…
I see my knight in shining armor
I see a friend and a companion
Yet as much as I would like to see our future
It is nothing but a blur…

For you are far in my dreams
And I am here in reality
I wish for one day I would awake and find those two worlds meet.

But until then...

Interesting. Not exactly unique, if you ask me, but you've got a nice style I'm going to go over this jsut quickly as its getting late, so bear with me (I dont always make sense when I type quickly, LOL).

Every time I set my eyes on you…

OK, well, to start off with, structurally speaking, you dont need the ... at the end there. What you need is a good, old-fashioned comma. Or better yet, no punctuation at all! This line continues right on, so you dont really need anything except the line break to divide it I reckon. I would also recommend you stop using capitals at the beginning of every line, as it can be very jarring. Wrecks the rhythm, you know?

My heart overflows with never ending emotions
Emotions that cannot be expressed in words
Emotions that make my hair stand on end
And set a shy smile across my face

Hmm. Well, I think you've repeated "emotions" a bit much. Perhaps you could tweak that a bit? Also, I'm afraid the whole "cannot be expressed in words" line seems a bit off to me - its kind of cliche and to be honest, it doesnt really follow, since you're trying to put words to those same emotions! A wee bit of editing here in order, I think...

Every time I set my eyes on you…
My soul sinks in those deep chocolate puddles you call eyes
I lose a breath every time you smile
And every time I hear your voice
I am sent to a peaceful place far up in the clouds

Umm. If I could take a bit of poetic (hehe) licence...

"Every time I set my eyes on you,
my soul sinks into the chocolate puddles of your eyes.
I lose a breath every time you smile, and
every time I hear your voice
you take me far away."

I think the lines are a bit too long and clunky here - shortening or rearranging might help.

Every time I set my eyes on you…
A small tear rolls down my cheek
I am overwhelmed just for the fact that you are near
For it seems as if I have waited an eternity
Since last you've held me in your arms

Hmm. No offense, but this is over the top in the extreme. I get the way you feel, but could you perhaps make it more subtle? As it is, I'm kind of flinching here...sorry...

Every time I set my eyes on you…
I see my knight in shining armor
I see a friend and a companion
Yet as much as I would like to see our future
It is nothing but a blur…

OK, now HERE it gets interesting. Although, could you maybe change the first line sometimes? It's not compulsory to have the title in the poem, and the repetition detracts from its impact. Maybe "whenever I look at you" or "every time I look at you" would suffice. Anyway. Back to the verse. I like this. A few grammatical errors, but polish it up a bit...

"Every time I set my eyes on you,
I see my knight in shining armor,
my friend and my companion (of many old campaigns).
Yet, as much as I would like
to see our future, it is nothing but a blur..."

For you are far in my dreams
And I am here in reality
I wish for one day I would awake and find those two worlds meet.

But until then...

Again, I like this. The ending is lovely and wistful I'm not sure whether I wouldnt just cut it off at "...those two worlds meet" - but on the other hand, I like the effect of "but until then..." so much...The only word I object to is "far." "For you are far in my dreams" sounds incomplete. You are far what? Far away? To add another word would mean destroying the rhythm, so I'd recommend you change it to something else. "For you are lost in my dreams" perhaps.

Overall, a nice poem. It's good to see some new faces on the site! While your wording and subject matter are cliche, I will say that your style makes up for it. You have some interesting word choices in there (chocolate puddles...mmm) and a strong sense of rhythm, if I'm reading it right. I'm sure you can only get better! For next time, I'd recommend writing out your poem and then, before you post, going through like your own worst enemy and asking yourself: what do I mean here? Is this line necessary? Has this been done before? How could I put this more clearly? Is there another way I could say that? Once you've been around YWS for a while I'm sure you'll get what I mean-- I particularly recommend Incandescence's work or xantham gum's poems if you want to see what true poetry looks like Other than that, I'm looking forward to seeing your future work.
Cheers!
~ Bubbles

PS: Welcome to YWS