Lost Control

She has his mind under her control
He just does everything he's told
Oh he's so confused
There's nothing left for him to choose

With the push of a button in his direction
She knows this relationship will be perfection
And as her power grows
His whole life unfolds

Oh oh she's outta control form head to toe
No that's not enough oh she wants more
She's not letting go 'till she gets some
She's got her baby right under her thumb

Now the power surges to the brain
And as it does he faces his eternal pain
Oh and he'll try to fight back
But it makes no fatal atta

She pushes him down oh he's right where she wants him
Oh let's get this over with pullin' out and pushin' in
Don't scream at all baby no
After all it is your time to go

Oh oh she's outta control form head to toe
No that's not enough oh she wants more
She's not letting go 'till she gets some
She's got her baby right under her thumb

Don't pull that trigger innocent child
It's too late for that her mind has run wild
And she screams now you'll know how it feels to take it away
To break it and play with it everyday
Oh baby you did the same thing to me
I just acted a little more quickly

Oh oh she's outta control form head to toe
No that's not enough oh she wants more
She's not letting go 'till she gets some
She's got her baby right under her thumb

Go lay down child it will be alright
Just give your baby one final kiss tonight

well...it was a but on the tacky side, with some really poorly forced rhyme schemes, and I don't think that the repitition did much to help this. I think the concept was nice but the flow was uneven and hard to handle and you info-dumped too much on us, you were trying to make his feelings clear and her feelings clear, but it was a jumbled, confusing mess, the rhyming of "thumb" is especially unsatisfying and calling him "baby" and referring to "triggers" etc...it's just a bit much for the poor reader. Cut is some slack and tone it down a bit, fix the uneven rhyming and decide in your head what sort of message you want to display, then focas on one central message.

But, on a more positive note, it was an interesting idea to write a poem on.

Preety good but it lacks a definite flow u see.

"She pushes him down oh he's right where she wants him
Oh let's get this over with pullin' out and pushin' in "
And avoid to right long sentences like this,try to condense them.

Ending was good,the whole idea was good but the way u ploted it was a bit not up to the mark.

In all well done!
Keep writing posting ur works here,eager to see more of ur work.

It was all over the place. It wasn't very pleasing to read. The ryhmes were forced (as Misty said). Overall, I think you concentrated too much on ryhming and not enough on the quality of your poem. Needs some work.

First of all I would like to thank everyone who took the time out to read this and reply. I am a new comer to all of this and as you can tell any advice is appriciated! Secondly, I would like to point out that this particular piece is NOT A POEM they are SONG LYRICS, thus the reason for them being in the lyrics forum. Also as far as the repition goes that is the chorus part of the song. I can understand how that may have trown some readers off and that is my mistake for not clearly labling it, I'm sorry. And another point to address is the rhyme scheme. Yes, I will admit that could use a lot more time and work!! But as in many songs it is hard to find words that rhyme and still get your message across therefore you have to almost use a form of slant rhyme or something to that affect. So all I ask is that the readers remeber to keep in mind, while they are reading, that it is sapoused to be set to MUSIC not really to be put in a book of poetry collections.

Once again I would like to thank you guys. I'm going to work on imporving this work...if something doesn't fourish from it then there will always be more things that make you want to sing!!!

Although it isn't bad when taken as lyrics (I understand that), for the reader's sake, it would help to at least include a few punctuation marks.

I do think it might be beneficial to play around with the syntax and change some rhymes around; they're fairly weak at the moment, anyway.

But overall, it's pretty good.

I LOVE IT!!

A bit tackey.......
But a good idea!

I suppose maybe I'm the odd one out, eh?

I really liked the way it sounded in my head. For me, it happened to flow quite nicely.

If these are song lyrics, I really don't think punctuation is nessesary. Spacing is the key to this stuff.

And again, I must be the odd one because the idea didn't make sense to me.

This is an example:

She's got her baby right under her thumb

I'm really not sure what that means. *shrugs*

Other than that, I liked it. I'm more of a lyrics person than a standard poetry person anyway.

As always,

POKE