There are no Children here

They light candles despite the flourescent lighting
and large windows lighting the hallway
The wicks of the small, round candles
slowly burn down to nothingness, like a sort of primitive sand dial
burning away the days, hours and minutes.

The smells of blood, tears, sweat and morphine combine and mingle
and mix together
to make a sort of perfume of death
an
Ode D'Mort, so to speak

There are no children here.
Only mourners, and the hopeful, and those being mourned.
Mothers, young and old, crying for their sons and daughters in the ICU
Even younger wives and girlfreinds, frantically praying to the God that they rarely acknowledge
to save their husbands and boyfreinds

And save them He will
but from what? From death? or from the pain, and destruction of this life?
Shall he just take his toll on His children, or shall he be a merciful King?
Yet, there are no children here.

You see it in their eyes
as they cry and mourn and pray
and yet
you see it in them--the sparkle deep in their tear-moistened eyes, in the smile after a comforting word, in their laughter at a well-needed joke--that maybe, someday, there may yet be children here

Ooh, nice, Dan. Really, and it actually has a message, too. I don't really like the sentence lengths (last couple of sentences). They just seem really cocnfusing, and totally destroy the flow.

sabradan wrote:The wicks of the small, round candles
slowly burn down to nothingness, like a sort of primitive sand dial
burning away the days, hours and minutes.

Sand dial? Or SUN dial? Don't really know what you meant, so please clarify.

sabradan wrote:The smells of blood, tears, sweat and morphine combine and mingle
and mix together
to make a sort of perfume of death
an
Ode D'Mort, so to speak

Methinks the an should be in the same sentence as Ode D'Mort. Also, the french is a really nice touch and all, but shouldn't it be 'l'odeur de mort'? (Which translates roughly to 'Scent of Death')

sabradan wrote:Even younger wives and girlfreinds, frantically praying to the God that they rarely acknowledge
to save their husbands and boyfreinds

Small spelling error. Girlfriends.

sabradan wrote:And save them He will
but from what? From death? or from the pain, and destruction of this life?
Shall he just take his toll on His children, or shall he be a merciful King?

You capitalized 'He' before, so it doesnt make sense to just say 'he'.

sabradan wrote:you see it in them--the sparkle deep in their tear-moistened eyes, in the smile after a comforting word, in their laughter at a well-needed joke--that maybe, someday, there may yet be children here

Shouldn't it be 'they'?

Yeah, thats basically it.

Okay, so...I'm really bad at critiquing poetry, mainly because I don't know what it's supposed to look like, and when I argue things, people can smell my ignorance and go, "It's art. Don't mess with art..." and I usually believe them. So! I'm just going to go with instinct on this.

To me, this poem was really well written- yet it lacked point. Looking at it, you'd think, "oh, this has got a lot of point to it! It's all about Israel!" and I'd agree with you. But! Your title is 'There Are No Children Here'.

Pretend I am stupid. Pretend I don't know anything about politics or current events.

...why are there no children here?

You mention that there are parents in the hospital crying for their children. If there are no children here, why are there children in the ICU?

And more importantly, why'd you mention the boyfriends? Usually, by children we imagine someone around four. I'm not that much of an expert on Middle Eastern culture, but I know they don't date/marry at age four.

This is confusing, especially if you want to get the point across that all of the children are dying.

...but if they're dying, they're not gone yet.

Want to make us cry? Describe a child breathing his last, and change the line to "there are no more children here". That would be a lot more powerful, and it would sort of explain the candles. (Dry climate + candles = fire hazard. There's got to be a reason for 'em.)

And also? Get rid of the acronyms- it's a few extra syllables you don't want. Unless...you are totally against flow in all ways, shapes, and forms. Hospital will work just fine.

Besides the obvious gripes- I think this was a really relevant poem to life in today's world, especially if you hail from a sheltered part of the world- then it's just plain shocking. Eye-openers always get noticed.

They light candles despite the flourescent lighting
and large windows lighting the hallway
The wicks of the small, round candles
slowly burn down to nothingness, like a sort of primitive sand dial
burning away the days, hours and minutes.

They words "light" are way too much, first of all. I don't know if this is supposed to have a bouncy sort of feeling to it, but it doesn't. If you want to have a bouncy feeling, say it to yourself and, if it doesn't sound right, then either make it sound right by editing it or make it less repetitous.

There are no children here.
Only mourners, and the hopeful, and those being mourned.
Mothers, young and old, crying for their sons and daughters in the ICU
Even younger wives and girlfreinds, frantically praying to the God that they rarely acknowledge
to save their husbands and boyfreinds

Oo... I do like the imagery in this line. It's very potent Still, I think it could use some slimming down.

"Even younger wives and girlfriends" indicates that they usually don't mourn for their men, which I don't think is the case. And how come you have daughters in the ICU, but no boyfriends mourning? And... I think the line "frantically praying to the God that they rarely acknowledge" is really too long and has to either be cut or formatted differently.

Also, it's not "freind." It's "friend."

You see it in their eyes
as they cry and mourn and pray
and yet
you see it in them--the sparkle deep in their tear-moistened eyes, in the smile after a comforting word, in their laughter at a well-needed joke--that maybe, someday, there may yet be children here

This line is just way too long: "the sparkle deep in their tear-moistened eyes, in the smile after a comforting word, in their laughter at a well-needed joke." You have very blunt images. That is, you don't describe much, but I sort of like it better that way. It's shock poetry. But this, you try to describe things, and that breaks the mood of the poem.

Still, once more, very good. I didn't comment on several of the verses, but that was mostly because there was really nothing to comment on. Like, the "And save them He will" verse was really powerful.

Other advice for you, as you continue to write poetry. Play around with line breaks and see how that affects your poetry. It might be fun.

Basically, I agree with all of the above.

Kidding. I mean, I do, but that wouldn't be much of a critique, now would it?

"flourescent" should be spelled "fluorescent." Weird word, I know. One of my faves, though.

I agree - "lighting" is used too much in the first stanza. And I'm not sure about the "sand" dial, either.

I don't think "and mix together" is needed in the second stanza - that's basically the definiton of "mingle."

While I understand the reason you mentioned the ICU, somehow it doesn't fit with the poem to me. I think it's because I get the feeling of a biblical war (I know you're talking about modern times, but it feels more like a return to God and old rituals) and I think the ICU is just too technical.

Overall, I have to say I LOVE this piece. Truly. It has a simple, sad flow to it, and yet it ends with almost a desperate hope. It's beautiful.

Ahh, I knew there was something strange about 'flourescent'. I was about to look it up on dictionary.com but decided not to.

I also agree with Crysi about the "mix together" part (I was thinking about that too).

This has some very powerful images, expressing the pain of war. I enjoyed reading it very much.

I only have a few brief comments. In your first stanza, I didn't like the use of "lighting" twice. The first one could probably be changed o just "lights". And the second one might sound better with a different word in place of it.

The mix of very long and very short lines didn't really work for me. I would suggest playing around with the line breaks.

Finally, I'd have to go along with Sam on the title. It's called "There are no Children Here" yet in the poem, you talk about children. This could be a little more clear.

Over all, though, great work, as usual!

Why does everyone always beat me to the crits?
Everyne said what I wanted to cover. Don't want to repeat them. lol
Nice job!

I suggest a title change...There are No Children Here is the name of a (very very good) book, which was turned into a film in 1993.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108319/
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/038526 ... e&n=283155

Ah, Crap. Any suggestions for titles?

I like Ode D'Morte, personaly. But for something less...obvious, perhaps simply call it the name of the place you are speaking of (I'm assuming Israel.) Something to the effect of "Children of Israel", which would certainly add impact to the line "there are no children here." I can't really help much, since I'm not emotionally attached to the place or the people, but I am confident that a title will present itself eventually.

Good stuff. Nice images and tone. Also great that its not all about you. Poetry can sometimes be an excuse to rant about our problems, have you noticed? Its challenging as well to write about things that actually exist.

It seems borderline prose, however. The lines are fairly long, with no apparent rhythm or rhyme. I think what happened is you've concentrated fully on the message, and not the way its presented. Its great that you know what you want to say, but I think this poem could benefit greatly from some intensive editing. After all, impact is half idea and half melody.

Break up your lines, and leave out words where they are unecessary. Choose words that don't only have sharp meaning, but sound dramatic as well. Mix up the number of syllables...a long word surrounded by short...several short all in a row...be creative!

Oh yes, and one thing:

There are no children here.
Only mourners, and the hopeful, and those being mourned.
Mothers, young and old, crying for their sons and daughters in the ICU
Even younger wives and girlfreinds, frantically praying to the God that they rarely acknowledge
to save their husbands and boyfreinds

Using "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" here reminds the reader of high school, and seriously takes from the effect of this part.

Ah, Gal, you beat me to what I wanted to say. I would, too, recommend Ode D'Mort (although I still think its incorrect). Or L'Odeur D'Mort or just something about a perfume of death...or something.

With regards to Sam's comment- I could be wrong- but I interpreted "there are no children here" as stating that because of what the children have gone through in Israel they have aged far beyond their years.

I too found some of the lines a little too long- almost like a run on sentence. Other than that, it was a nice poem, simple, but nice all the same. As for Ode D'Mort, taking into account your reference to perfume, you could perhaps say Eau D'Mort...just a suggestion.

Cameron wrote:With regards to Sam's comment- I could be wrong- but I interpreted "there are no children here" as stating that because of what the children have gone through in Israel they have aged far beyond their years.

I too found some of the lines a little too long- almost like a run on sentence. Other than that, it was a nice poem, simple, but nice all the same. As for Ode D'Mort, taking into account your reference to perfume, you could perhaps say Eau D'Mort...just a suggestion.

exactly.