Bittersweet Song Version 2.0

This was the first song I ever wrote. I posted it a long time ago (Nov.-Dec.2004) and reposted it on TSR. The other night I made some changes, so now I'm posting the new and (hopefully) improved version.

She had him
Under her spell again.
She looked so
Beautiful tonight.

He approached and
Reached out for her hand.
She looked up and
Then just walked away.

Will she ever stay?

And all around him
The flowers sing
Their bittersweet song.
And as she fades
He wonders why
She never stays.

Her hands shake.
Her heart is beating fast.
Fear keeps her
From her desires.

If only she could
Break from this pattern
She'd hold him and
Never let go.

Will she ever stay?

And all around her
The flowers sing
Their bittersweet song.
She looks up and
Promises the stars
She'll find a way to stay.

Tonight we play
The same old game.
I hope that we're
Nearing the end.

We stare at one moon
And ask the same question.
Is there hope in
This hopelessness
Tonight?

And all around us
The flowers answer
Yes

I'd like to hear a recording of this. The verse is slightly distracting when read, because there is not always a clear lyrical pattern, but it may flow perfectly in song.
The word choice in several spots is very clever.

I agree with Dave. I think that this would sound really cool put to music, but try making it flow more.
It's really cool that you decided to do lyrics. Mostly it's just poems and such, so good for you. ^_~

Oh yeah. I can definitely see this in song format. It's not too heavy, but not too light either, and, though a little awkward in the poetical sense, with some nice background, it would be something nice to listen to again and again.