A Lovers Love

She was lying on the bed,
waiting for him to enter.

Fright and joy was on her face
as she closed her azure eyes.

"Justin..." she was moaning,
looking at the shameless Bieber.

"Coolgirl" he breathed
holding himself back...

He failed...

In one long thrust
voilently coming inside her.

Mixing their juices...

He cupped her breasts,
licked her pinky nipples.

''J-Justin'' she coed...

He started kissing her,
using his toung all the way.

She screamed as she
encountered her secound release.

Justin stroked his awaiting cook,
and licking his lips he entered her agian.

Juices spilled everywhere,
and they both reached heaven...


_______________________________________________


I wrote this poem-thing with my friend the other day... We both love Justin Bieber very much! Obviously....

Hi Ilove Justin, welcome to YWS

Now, on to your review... This is definitely an interesting piece, I liked the structure and rythm and how certain lines were isolated for emphasis.I also like the contrast in the line "fright and joy on her face".

However, there was quite a lot I wasn't so keen on. For example you are talking about sex in your poem but in a lot of lines your naivity showed through, for example, ""Cool girl" he breathed" and "shameless Beiber" these both sounded very immature, which doesn't really go with your theme. Also I'm assuming that you're trying to create a romantic image, in which case "violently" and "juices spilt everywhere" isn't really appropriate imagry because, well, it makes sex sound disgusting which really isn't what you're going for! I also hae a slight problem with the first stanza "She was lying on the bed, waiting for him to enter" it's just to literal and doesn't sound very erotic at all.

If you want to continue writing poetry about sex then I would suggest reading more sex scenes and taking tips from those authors. A lot of the time most of the actual sex is left to the readers imagination, instead the writer focuses on using lots of imagry either to show love, lust or beauty. For your writing in general you would definitely benefit from using more imagry, similes, metphors, rhyme etc. (not necerssarily all of them, pick and chose your favourites, but all creative writing needs a few).

Look forward to seeing what you come up with next!

Hey Justin! Dogs here with your review. I agree with everything Anna says. Similes and metaphors and personification in particular make your poetry so much stronger. Also you use a lot of simple, old, and overused words, words where you could replace it with something stronger and deeper that hold so much more power. I suggest, in addition to using more personification and what not, that you increase your vocabulary and use your versatility to apply these stronger words to your poetry. If you are having troubles doing that I suggest you take on of your simple and overused words and look it up in a Thesaurus. It helps your poetry a ton.

Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi! I see you like Justin Bieber very, very much! Anyway, this poem...

First thing is that there are all these typos and everything everywhere. Your title is even wrong! So you'll want to look at this. Spell check is your friend in this sort of case, although be sure to read through it and make sure it makes sense when spell check doesn't like you. Which, unfortunately, happens.

Next thing! So, basically, this describes a sex scene. Okay. Cool. But... um... is there anything more to just this sex than just you two having orgasms together? It seems largely physical and nothing else, which is kind of weird. It reads kind of like some of the crappy romance novels that I've read in that there is no real attachment to each other except lust. Which is okay and everything, but it makes it rather boring. I mean, I guess you can say that this poem is exciting if you're young and sex is still new and fresh and whatever. But, the problem is that the idea of sex... of this lust-filled moment... doesn't really last for long (in a relationship, that is) if there is nothing but a physical connection.

So, just some thoughts! Good luck writing.