The Firefly's Glow

The Firefly’s Glow

Do you remember
The fireflies that danced
Between our hands,
Tantalizing us with their glow?
How we ran than night,
Dashing through the meadow
Like tameless spirits,
Chasing those fireflies
Until they lost their glow.

Do you remember
The squishy sand
Between our fingers
As we built sandcastles?
How we cried that night
Yearning for lost hope
In our shattered childhood,
Building those castles
Until they toppled from bruises.

Do you remember
The night that ended
All of your pain,
Leaving me in a shadow of grief?
How I died that night
My heart ripped in shreds
With the thought of facing
That man alone
Until you rescue me.

Now, sister, sister,
As I lie here alone, forgotten,
I recall those sandcastles
That we built
With the fabricated hope of relief
From the stench of death
Suddenly-a flash of light.
I smile.
I rise up, take your hand,
And we walk together
Toward the firefly’s glow.

-For all the victims of abuse

The first two stanzas have impressive rhythm -- when reading it out loud, it sounded really good. The first stanza is the best of the whole poem, and the standard you want to be aiming for, because it seems to drop as the poem goes on.

Until they toppled from bruises.

"bruises" is a bit too blunt, and doesn't really fit in with your analogy (how exactly does a sandcastle, metaphorical or nay, get toppled by a bruise?). You need to continue with the metaphor and be more sublte in your word choice -- "bruises" basically just says -- "this is an abuse poem" in big capital letters. Let the readers work things out for themselves.

Do you remember
The night that ended
All of your pain,
Leaving me in a shadow of grief?
How I died that night
My heart ripped in shreds
With the thought of facing
That man alone
Until you rescue me.

This stanza ruins the poem for me. While I enjoyed the first two greatly, this stanza is full of useless cliches -- "heart ripped to shreds" and all that doesn't work for me. You really need to re-write this whole stanza, it has no real meaning and doesn't add much to the poem. Sorry to be harsh, I'm just very anti-cliche, lol, expecially in poetry.

You have a good, happy ending, which I liked, and the fourt stanza is okay, but the third stanza is what you really need to rewrite.

Good work though!

Thanks Jack-I'll work on it.

writingluver5 wrote:The Firefly’s Glow

Do you remember
The fireflies that danced
Between our hands,
Tantalizing [s]us[/s] with their glow?
How we ran ?-than-? night,
Dashing through the meadow
[s]Like[/s] tame less spirits we were,
Chasing those fireflies
Until they lost their glow.

Do you remember
The [s]squishy [/s] gritty sand
Between our fingers
As we built [s]sand[/s] those castles?
How we cried that night
Yearning for lost hope
In our shattered childhood,
Building those castles
Until they toppled from bruises.--?

Do you remember
The night that ended
All of your pain,
Leaving me in a shadow of grief?
How I died that night
My heart ripped in shreds
With the thought of facing
[s]That man[/s] OR Him alone
Until you rescue(d?) me.

Now, sister, sister,
As I lie here alone, forgotten,
I recall those sandcastles
That we built
With the [s]fabricated[/s] hope of relief
From the stench of death
Suddenly-a flash of light.
[s]I[/s] A smile.
I rise up, take your hand,
And we walk together
Toward the firefly’s glow.

-For all the victims of abuse

I tried to tweak it. I think I did okay. strikethrough means 'take it out' and italicized is what I added.

I agree with Jack..."bruises" was a bit blunt.
However, I really loved the poem...I actually thought it picked up when you got to the last stanza, except for this part:
"I recall those sandcastles
That we built "

seems like it should have been one line without the "that."

Other than that...good job. Better than I could ever do.

Thanks chevy! That's a good idea for combining lines. Thanks!

Does anyone know of any good magazines this could be submitted to?

This is an enjoyable poem, very nice imagry but there was quite a few cliched refrences. 'Heart ripped to shreds' 'shadow of greif' 'dancing fireflies' although they aren't really that cliched. And also like it was said before 'bruises' is very blunt and stops the flow of the poem.
Their were also alot of simple typos that became a little annoying.

Do you remember
The night that ended
All of your pain,
Leaving me in a shadow of grief?
How I died that night
My heart ripped in shreds
With the thought of facing
That man alone
Until you rescue me.

This stanza seems to me to say that your sister commited suicide but then the last line says she rescued you...I am not sure how she could do that if she had commited suicide. And 'With the thought of facing/
That man alone ' Who is this man? I know it is hard to elaborate in a poem but for a reader this makes me stop and think "Dad, boyfriend, brother..?"

But all in all I enjoyed this poem, it needs some moderete tweakings but it is very nice.

aha very nice indeed
as mentioned above it sounds great when read out loud

but there's only one thing that bothered me

Do you remember
The fireflies that danced
Between our hands,
Tantalizing us with their glow?
How we ran than night,
Dashing through the meadow
Like tameless spirits,
Chasing those fireflies
Until they lost their glow.

the repeating of the word glow here...I personally can't think of something to replace it..bur I'm sure you can

Nice job! I'm relieved that this poem isn't about a long lost love and is instead about a sister.

Since poetry is not a particular favorite of mine, I find it a relief to find a poem that doesn't make me gag.

Since I find that this is not just another one of those, "I loved him and he left me. *sob, sob*" poems, I find it a delightful read, though the topic is dark.

I enjoy it because it's real and that's exactly what poetry should be.

Keep up the good work!


POKE

Thanks rose! I appreciate all of your crits-you guys are sooo sweet! *huggles all who critted*

Wiggy

Wiggy! What a lovely poem. That was fantastic. Interesting topic.

There were a few grammatical errors that I saw.
1)

than

- This should be, the or that, I'm supposing.
I agree with MH.

As I said, magnificent. I loved it. I WILL read more of your work.

Wiggy,


It's refreshing to see an attempt to write something with purpose.

S3 could be posted on any teen-angst website, and it would be indistinguishable from all the other swill that puddles there. Lobotomize it.

Otherwise, a sound piece with room for improvement which those before me have already suggested.


Take care,
Brad

Yay-Brad liked my poem!!!! *breathes out* I always love when that happens!

And Pros-thanks for the crit. I really need to rev up this poem. XD

I haven't read this over for awhile-and I did today. I totally agree about the third stanza! I can't believe I wrote something that angsty...

I'll make the improvements and will hopefully get them posted soon!

i really liked it, it seems as though you put a lot of emotion into it, instead of just writing down something that doesn't mean anything to you. well done