The Whistler

UNDER HEAVY REVISION: WILL BE REPOSTED SOON.

shaking my head to shake free the droplets inching down my face

--Change it.

--May I suggest

shaking my head to rid my hair of the sweat droplets, or somehting like that?

--Also, in the story, that was a quick weather change.

--Take out this comma below me.

His bag lay, discarded in a corner.

--Other than that, everythings nice. You could explain why you were scared a little more, or blame it on an eerie feeling.

--NICE ending too. Overall this was pretty cool.

-MH

The quick weather change was deliberate/ will be elaborated on as the story continues.

Thanks for the comment. Much appreciated.

Incase you were wondering: I reposted this because its not finished. There's more to add and now I have something to add to.

Yes I too enjoyed this too, as Metal says, you could explain why you were so scared. I agree with the other things he said as well.

The beginning doesnt really capture my full interest, is the only thing I would say if I had to pick. This is because it doesnt start in the middle of something, but this is just my personal preference.

Well done.

Hehehe... a couple of things.

Dialogue Grammar

Sometimes you did this right and sometimes you didn't, but you need to do this right all the time. So I assembled this thingy with all these examples of dialogue. Look at the punctuation carefully and then follow the example.

Dialogue Grammar Example

Describing Things in First Person

Try this for a writing exercise! Create a blog on YWS, and every day, write something cool that happened to you. Now, note that you don't have to make this a public blog or anything. If you're uncomfortable with that, you don't have to share it with anyone. BUt, for a week, write down about your life and what's happened.

Why am I suggesting this? Because your style reminds me slightly of the clichéd high fantasy in third person. You know... MUCH too overdramatic and detailed. But that's not your intention for his piece and it seems like you're forcing yourself into a style that isn't naturally yours. So just chill. Find out how you write about yourself in first person, and everything else will follow.

And, by working on your style, the whole story will be much smoother.

Good luck!

Coolies, danke snoinkus.

I dont know about cliched high fantasy... although this is certainly a style I'm not used to and have never written in. Maybe I should just rewrite this so its not first person, which Im obviously not so good in, instead of doing the week-long diary?

Lol, thanks for the advice snoinkus.

"Hmm, yeah that’s very interesting." I said, disinterestedly.

Since he is being sarcastic here, how about replacing ‘disinterested’ with ‘in irony’?

He frowned into the mirror. "Shut up idiot and go do your business. Some people have images to worry about you know, were not all ugly like you."

...we’re not all ugly …

I have to say the scene in the toilet drew me in. And the cliff-hanging end? I really want to read more know.

I didn’t notice anything much to critique, expect for a few typos, but I would have preferred it if this was in third person. Fantasy in first person doesn’t really work, for me at least. Have you tried writing this in third? You’ll notice its different and concentrates more on the character and emotions.

I havent yet, but I definetly will. I thought it would be interesting to write in a style thats out of my comfort zone, something I'd never tried before. I thought also that it would be more realistic, but again I'm going to change it... eventually.

Hehehe... first actually concentrates more on the character actually, methinks.

And the week long diary isn't too bad! I know when I started writing in third person, I absolutely sucked, but with practice, I got better.

I'm thinking of submitting this to a newspaper only as it happens to be the only piece that fits the requirements. But it also happens to be one of weaker pieces of writing, mainly I think, cos its the first time Ive written in first person.

Any help would be appreciated.

As requested, Jigster!

The sun, a burnished golden disk in a clear blue sky, shone brilliantly. The heat bore down on my already bowed back, and sweat trickled down between my shoulder blades. Shifting uncomfortably, I moved my bag straps around, hoping to end the irritation. It was not to be though, and I ground my teeth, shaking my head to fling free the droplets inching down my face. Squinting against the glare of the white pavement, I tried to make out the Library, but saw nothing through the haze of heat and smog. Cars and buses drove by, mainly filled with yelling, chattering kids still on a high from school ending and all the while an annoying drone surrounded me.

A cool gust of wind breezed by me, providing a welcome relief, and suddenly the irritating buzz that had surrounded me resolved into the voice of my friend Nick. He was rambling—as per usual—about some random topic or other, although how he had the energy in this heat was beyond me. I closed my eyes, lifted my head to the skies and silently prayed for deliverance. There was a crack followed by an ominous rumble. The first cold drops fell, splattering on my upturned face. I opened my eyes in surprise. I ask for help and you piss on me, I thought wryly. At least this time its welcome.

Ick ick ick! This description sucks, and you know it. The first line immediately put me off the piece. Never start a story with the description of the the sun. Yeah, you can fit it in somewhere, but this just seems like you couldn't think of a good way to start the story and so you fell back on the weather. Edit this heavily; most of it is useful writing that adds nothing to the overall effect of the piece. Sorry to be harsh, but that's what it is. Keep the bits about Nick, and maybe a couple of more succinct sentences about the background/scenery.

Basically -- cut this down.

Afrer that, the piece improved for me. Your descriptions seemed a little more natural and easier to read. So I would definitely improve your beginning.

Otherwise, I think it took too long to get to the premise of the piece. Your build-up was long and mostly unneccessary. You should probably focus on cutting down all you can in the paragraphs, looking at sentences and taking out description that doesn't assist the piece. Work on your tension, and try and make it so we get a sense of foreboding and eeriness before the events in the toilets. At the moment it's all a bit sudden, and I was like "What? Where did that come from?" There was no suggestion of such a thing happening, and that's not a good thing in a story which includes horror-type stuff. We need foreboding.

I was reading Ray Bradbury's "Something Wicked This Way Comes" recently, a horror book about a scary carnival, and the first chapter of the book is about a storm. It's totally out of storm season, but a man comes and tell the two boy MCs of the story that a storm is coming. It's foreboding, and you realise the importance of the man's words only later on.

This is what you need to do -- give us subtle hints so we can go "Oh!" later on.

Good ending though, it was definitely scary, and I loved it.

So, overall:

(a) Cut down your long descriptions.

(b) Work on foreshadowing/suspense.

(c) Shorten the beginning, and work more on establishing the middle of the story as the main part, and the end as the conclusion (at the moment it's mostly just the action at the end).

Wah lah!

I can't say too much about the first person, since I'm terrible at it myself.

Hope this helps.