Prologue I (Edited)

DELETE THIS

Hi, Pigeon here to review.

After reading this I have one main question: Do you intend to write the entire novel in the style that this prologue is written in?
My advice would be: don't. This style of rambling teenage incoherence might work for a short time and it is okay for a prologue, but an entire novel written in this style would very quickly get boring and difficult to follow. There are several issues with grammar which make me wonder if you proof read this at all, but I'm assuming those are purposeful to make the voice of the teenager more authentic, so I won't point them out.
If you do stick with this style, it needs a lot of work. It is far too unstructured and meanders all over the place. Work out what each paragraph is about and stay on that theme. If you don't, all you're doing is confusing your reader. First person narration should not be purely stream-of-consciousness, as this is. First person narration is the character's thoughts, but in a refined form to be easily communicated to the reader.

That's all I'm going to say about the writing. I also have a few things to say about the content.

As much is want to refrain from saying effeminate, queer, homo, or simply gay, I have to use them in order to give complete sense.

Effeminate is not an equivalent for gay. Effeminate suggests that someone is gender atypical, and while the more gender atypical someone is, the more likely it is that they are gay, it does not follow that all effeminate men are gay.

When I was three, I entered a picture. As innocence often partners with kids, I never knew what kind of picture I joined in. But alas, as time came and slowly unveils the truth, I found out that I was forcedly recruited to a family or an environment of total gayness. If emoticons were just words, I would be using it! Who says who can’t use them anyway? So -.- there!

I don't understand. How could a child raised by a gay couple for the past eleven years be so intolerant and homophobic? Why is being in this family such a terrible thing to Sam?

I myself too have sexual deficiencies! I’m not gay, to tell you that, I’m rather a bisexual. Bisexual, and not proud; never. If I was reborn in this world, I wish I was straight as a pretzel stick!

whoa, hang on a second. Sexual 'deficiencies'? Really? I really, really hope you produce some reasons for your mc's homophobia soon, because as it is it looks like you're just projecting your own hate, and I hope that is not the case.

They say behind a man’s success is a woman. But I know it won’t be a woman for me nor it isn’t right now.

Why won't it be a woman for him? Isn't he bisexual?

Right now, I can say I am pretty successful about school, and it’s all because of three men, and not even a single woman.

hmm, all of a sudden he seems to be saying something positive about these men. Why the sudden change? I do not really follow your character's thoughts, but maybe the stream-of-consciousness style is confusing me.


As I said, I wasn't really following this, so I had a look at your novel's page to see if the plot summary would shed some light on the situation. However, all I found there was, well, much the same as this, except more offensive.

To begin with there was this:

Effeminate, sissy, faggot, queer, homo, and all the others. Different words which have one meaning: GAY.

As mentioned above, effeminate does not mean gay, and nor does sissy. All the other terms, while generally offensive, could ostensibly have that meaning, so I'll let them pass.

I was three when I was adopted by a man. Not exactly a man, a man-woman... a gay.

A man-woman? Seriously? Again, I'm really hoping that this is the voice of your character, and not your own thoughts.


Okay, I'm going to leave it at that. Needless to say, I found this quite offensive. Hopefully, that was not your intention and you'll clear it up.

Hello,
Firstly I would like to point out that your writing I found, quite mature, Yes, I do enjoy reading your writing style... what you were writing about not so much... Listen, having a mother that is an active feminist I found this actually slightly offensive, I mean, good for the character (you?) to have three male figures in the characters life that love the character obviously dearly but, without my mother, a female figure in my life, I definitely wouldn't be where I am today.
Your Homophobia is surprising, yes being born bisexual must be difficult, especially around your friends, who you mentioned obviously aren't very supportive but as the years have gone on people have really become more tolerant. I live in the gay capital of the world (Amsterdam) and I have no such a problem with gay people as you seem to have. I actually have a gay best friend, who is the icing on my cake!
Women in this world are the backbone, and taking away there importance like you have, is a breading ground for hate for the future of you life. I know being fourteen is an extremely awkward stage especially if you are gay or bisexual but some thoughts and feelings you need to keep to yourself, because you may think them at the time, but deeply regret it in the future.
Just a few Grammatical issues:
If you want people to take your writing seriously, I would take away -.- (smilies?) these things, they are text language, you wouldn't see them in a serious piece of writing.
And and But are connective words, they are written again like this if it is informal/slag/texting that kind of thing, you wouldn't see them in a serious piece of writing:
I’m fourteen. And I wrote this
expressions. And since
right now. But before
and some others, you can use other words, for excample for but you can use However, Nevertheless and for and you can use In addition and Furthermore
Overall I felt this piece of writing needs more maturity on the actual story basis, on the intent of your writing, not the way you have written it, which is the only thing I have enjoyed. If you are a little more creative and use your writing style I think you have the potential to be a great writer, but please, think about how other people will re-act to the babsis of your story line you have written about,
Love,
Evenslily x

Hi there,

A few points really. I am unsure on the writing style you have chosen. To me it reads more like an article rather than the prologue of a novel. Some of the wording makes little sense and is quite rambling. The overuse of the word X rated prohibits the flow of the first few paragraphs and you could probably take out a few of them. There are some spelling/grammar errors such as using "too" instead of "to."
What is your story about? Does it grab a reader's attention from the outset? I found it slightly confused and the standard of writing flitted from rambled to composed to rambled.
Luckily, I know from your description that this story is about a child who was adopted by a gay couple. A sensitive subject that needs to be approached as such and in a clear and mature manner. Tighten up some of the sentences and revise your wording and you have the basis of a potentially good story.

I think everything else has already been pointed out. Hope all of that helps anyway

Becki

Dear Echo,

Firstly, I love your title. The second I saw it, I thought "Damn! That sounds like something I really want to read." You are really putting it out there. I love it. The title is one of the most important parts! But then, I clicked on it! And, I got nothing. I see your post "Sorry" and everyone elses's comments, but I can't see your story! I don't know if my computer is being stupid or something, but I'm bring really sad that I don't have the ability to read this! I want to cry! I refreshed the page many times and everything!!! Anyways, I'll be looking for chapter one to see if I can read that because it sounds very interesting!

From,
Orphyn Gyrl