Please Just Let Me Cry

Anger boils to the surface,
my hands clench tight.
Faces loom in front of me,
and make me want to fight.
Infuriated and dissapointed,
I push it all back in.
But it just makes me feel worse,
Like an unforgiven sin.
I made a promise to myself,
that I'd never have to hurt.
Now I realize that,
I only feel like dirt.
For a moment I believed,
that I might have a chance.
That's how it always seems though,
if it's judged at first glance.
Forgive my awful cliche,
but my heart has split in two.
And here comes another one,
It's all because of you.
Forget being suicidal,
I do not want to die.
Oh, but my lovely God,
please just let me cry.

Hey

I really like this poem. The words are amazing.

1 thing, little spelling mistake on 'disappointed'. Just thought I'd let you know. But, other than that, I really liked your poem. Especially the last 2 lines.

Reading through this the first time, I had one thing I was thinking: This needs to be harsher.
Then I looked at it again and thought: This needs to be stronger.
And now I'm looking at it to review it, and I'm going to say: This will likely sound boring to you. Boring or not, I'm only here to attempt to help you improve.

The first couple of lines, I think there's definitely emotion in there. I think there's so much that can be brought to the surface and released, demons upon earth. Perhaps if you made the lines more staggered, like putting a full stop after "surface" instead of a comma and eliminating the comma after "me" in the third line, that would increase the harshness and the shock value of the beginning. The beginning is what pulls the reader in, but by no means think that that's all that needs to be good!

"Infuriated and disappointed" - I'm infuriated and disappointed upon reading these words. There are so many more words out there; don't just use two! Angered, maddened, enraged! Not just infuriated! Frustrated, not disappointed - think, does "Infuriated and disappointed, I push it all back in" make you feel more than "Enraged, frustrated, I shove it all inside" does? And that's about as much as I can think of but I'm museless and braindead but you aren't and you can think of so much better. I know you can.

Pedanticism now: comma after "in", not full stop. Also, "an unforgiven sin" makes the line drag on too long compared to "I push it all back in" - "Like unforgiven sins" still works; you don't need to have it be an exact wonderful pretty magical rhyme, especially in a poem like this.

And here at "I made a promise to myself", it begins to weaken. Severely. Eliminate the comma after "myself"; eliminate the comma after "that"; find a GREAT way to say this. A GREAT way. Not a good way, and not a great way. A GREAT capital-everything way. This is somewhere inside you: Find those words, put them on the page, and make the poem SING. Right now it's floundering, fishing for the note it wants to keep, and it doesn't work that way. Keep that anger and that hurt and that depression resonating throughout the poem, and you could have something awesome on your hands.

No comma after "believed"; comma after "seems" and before "though". I don't really like the line "if it's judged at first glance" - "if you judge it at first glance" would be better. You're aggressive when the poem begins, so USE that aggressive voice; target the audience, accuse them of something. Make them feel something.

Then you start the next few lines "Forgive my awful cliché". No. Just no. Never acknowledge to the audience that you're using a cliché, because it weakens the poetry of the piece. First your start out accusing, angry, infuriated, fighting, and now you're asking for FORGIVENESS? Come on, where's that fighting spirit you gave us just a minute ago? *ahem* Comma after "two", not full stop. Semicolon or full stop after "one".

Semicolon or full stop after "suicidal". And just... how?

How does this awesome poem degenerate from fighting to tears in such a short time? Give us shock, give us wonder, THEN switch to the tears - you're in a fight, you're fighting for your life, and suddenly you're apologising and then suddenly you're crying, but no. That's not how things go, is it? First you fight, then you cry, then you apologise, and apologies could be left out of this entirely.

Overall, I like it. I don't love it. I don't Like It Like That. I don't think it's absolutely wonderful: I think it's rather weak and pitiful when you read it through with a critic's eye, or nearly any eye. Please understand that I'm not undermining your writing ABILITY; I'm attempting to strengthen both you and your poetry. I'm not telling you that your way of doing things is stupid. I'm just making suggestions.

Wooow. This is good. I say this to everyone who writes poetry, but this honestly is, by all means. Being able to write poetry is not a skill you should take for granted. Seriously. Embrace it.

Some nitpicks now.
You spelled disappointed wrong. I'm like, a constant spellchecker, though, so don't mind it.
I think this poem could have been better if you didn't worry so much with a rhyming pattern. If this is true emotion, you just let it flow, and the rhyming part comes in later if you want it, but you don't need it. Also, it felt like you were lacking emotion in bits and pieces (as I see was already mentioned). Clearly, you feel strongly about this, as I can tell by the wonderfully written first and last parts, but the middle is just words with a rhyming pattern. I believe you could have brought more to this, considering the better work you have done in this piece alone. So, in the future, channel your emotion into it, and don't worry about anything else.

Keep writing!

I liked it I thought it was well written and well rhymed.(A rarity on the YWS.) So thank you for just those to thing. The only thing I might suggest is putting this into stanzas, like this.

Anger boils to the surface
my hands clench tight.
Faces loom in front of me
and make me want to fight.

Infuriated and dissapointed,
I push it back in.
But it just makes me feel worse,
Like an unforgiven sin.

Also make sure to be consistant and capitalize the first letter at the begining of every line.
Thanks you for a strong, clear piece. I normally put in a favorite line when I review poetry but I am not going to this time because I thought the whole thing was super.
I enjoyed it. ~DG