Crimson Heroes: The Silver Hero- Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7
It was still misty and dark in my dream, yet clearer than before. This time I could barely make out King Lucius standing in the middle of a room. Then a new man that I had never seen before walked in the room. I couldn’t really make out his features.
“Zack! How are you?” King Lucius said.
“I’m doing just lovely, my friend,” said the other one. “This could be a big risk we're taking. Are you sure no one could know?”
Lucius turned to his friend slowly. “Positive,” he assured him.
“Well than,” Zack said. “Are you ready?”
“As I’ll ever be,” the king responded eagerly.

I woke up from the dream with a jolt.
I had no idea what the dream meant. Could the king be doing something bad? He always struck me as a strange man, but this was new. I wondered what could have been going on.
Before I could think anymore Hal walked in. “Rise and shine, Drake.”
“I think it’s actually afternoon, Sir.”
“Look at you, calling me ‘Sir’ already.”
I began to get serious. “Hal,” I mumbled. “I had a dream about the king.”
Hal seemed confused. “King Lucius?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“What about him?” Hal’s face showed a sign of fear and concern.
“I think I had a dream about him planning something… bad.”
“Like?”
I told Hal about my dream. I told him about Zack and how he was talking to Lucius.
“Hmm…” Hal thought on it. “Sounds pretty strange, but I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s just a dream, right?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. But it didn’t feel like “just a dream”.
“Now come on,” Hal offered. “We’ll be arriving to the rainforests any minute now.”

I followed Hal onto the deck. The sun was beginning to set far out in the horizon. If I looked closely I could barely see a bit of land starting to get bigger. I heard the huge horn on the boat bellow
“Preparing for lift-off,” a voice called. “I repeat, ‘preparing for lift-off!”
“Lift-off?” I asked Jack who had appeared beside me. “What does he mean by lift-off?”
Jack laughed at my question without answering. “Just watch,” he whispered. Two huge sail wings shot out of the sides of the boat and we began to rock hard in on the currents. Ahead of us I heard roars of the waves as they came to a stop.
“A waterfall?” I asked more or less to myself.
I slowly moved up to the head of the boat and looked overboard as we lifted off the raging sea. I felt the whip of wet winds tear at my body. A sense of excitement filled me as the boat was now flying right out of the water! I never felt so alive before!
Before I knew it we were completely off the sea and actually sailing through the air. My hair was thrown all around as we began to fall. Then the ship engine screamed, and suddenly we were rocketing toward the land ahead of us.
In no time we arrived at land. The boat blew steam into the air as we crashed back onto the planet. A latter fell to the ground and I became a bit sick as the movement of the boat and the waves thrashed back and forth. We all climbed down onto the ground. The wings of the boat folded back into place and Hal threw down an anchor.
The sun was close to setting. "Right then," Hal said stepping off of the boat. "Let's go onward. No need to waste time camping here, I know the land well and I have picked a spot to camp for the first exciting night of your childhoods."
I took one last whiff of the salty air near the ocean. All around me I saw new creatures. There were some kind of tall animal with brown splotches and long sharp horns. They made a strange noise as they stared at the six of us walk into the woods.
The forests sounded spooky as little shrieks and screams filled the atmosphere. I saw a shadow of a creature disappear and reappear here and there. For the first time in my life, I was afraid. "Don't be scared," reassured Jack. "Hal will protect us through everything."
As we walked deeper into the forests we had no choice but to make a camp in a somewhat open spot. We pitched seven tents in a circle formation. Tom made a fire in the middle of the tents, to keep us warm and dry. Today felt like a fairytale. I never imagined that we could have flying ships and real monsters. To be honest, the start of the expedition was actually kind of fun. But later on Hal told us some stories of when he was on his first hunt. He never knew if he would make it out alive.
"I remember my first hunt," he bellowed. "There were five of us, just like you guys. I was the most famous sky breaker in town, so people expected something out of me. I only came back from the hunt with one other man, an ice warrior named something like Rather, or Rathin. Anyways, we were awarded the most noble of prizes, a crimson augment. Not many hunts come back and earn a crimson augment. It meant you did something really special. The reason we earned one was because of..." Hal looked and me and hesitated. "I can't seem to remember. Well, I suppose we can go to bed now."
I got the feeling like he was hiding something from me. I didn't want to ask him about it, it was obviously something important to him.
I looked around me. Hal, Sam, Rose, Jack, Maddi, and Tom. This was my new life. I guess I had better start getting used to it. I laid back in my tent and drifted off once again.

Hi there,

I was sad to see that this chapter was so small. You could've have made it bigger and more descriptive.

Mistakes

It was misty and dark in my dream. It was a bit clearer than before.

I think it's better to write this as, "It was still misty and dark in my dream. But it was a bit more clearer than before."

Then another man I had never seen before walked in the room.

Write this as, "Then, a man I had never seen before walked into the room." You don't need to say "another" as there's only one person inside the room. If there were more than two, you have to add "another"

This could be a big risk were taking.

"We're"

I could barely see a bit of land starting to get bigger.

Write this as, "I could faintly see a speck of land getting bigger"

“Lift-off?” I asked Jack.

As you did not mention him before, say "I asked Jack who had appeared at my side". Because, we don't want the readers wondering "Where did he come from" and stuff like that.

Then the ship engine screamed and we were rocketing toward the land ahead of us.

Correct this, "Then the ship engine screamed, and suddenly, we were rocketing towards the land ahead of us."

In no time we arrived at the land.

The sun was close to going down. setting.

We pitched seven tents in a circle formation.

Plot

Hmm, the plot revolving around the strange dreams is mysterious enough to keep a special interest in. I don't know where you are going with that plot, but it seems good so go along with it. I do have a hunch about where that plot is going though. But I might turn out be wrong about that.

Descriptions

The main reason for this chapter being so short is due to the huge lack of descriptions. There are several places where you could add some major background descriptions. Elaboration is the key. Elaborate on the parts that seem needless but important nonetheless. The sounds of the sea, the colour of the sky as the sun is setting down, the excitement in flying, etc. These can add the much needed realism to the story.

Here are some examples on where you can add descriptions,

I followed Hal onto the deck. The sun was beginning to set far out in the horizon. If I looked closely I could barely see a bit of land starting to get bigger.

So, describe the environment. Describe the feelings felt by the character.

The ship landed back in the water and we all emptied out of the amazing boat.

Another place where you can describe. Describe about the beach, the trees, the animals there (if any). Describe about how the character feels to be on steady land, after a long time swaying on the boat. Believe me, the experience is overwhelming.

As we walked deeper into the forests we had no choice but to make a camp in a somewhat open spot.

I have to say, usually, when people land on unknown land (if it's unknown. If the characters know about the land, ignore this comment) they usually set up camp on the beach and start exploring in the day time. Because, who knows what creatures may lie in the darkness of the forest.

Also, you can describe the walking part, the forest, the sounds heard in the forest, etc. That's what makes the reader feel connected to the story. As if he/she is walking along with the characters.

Character description

Descriptions about what the character is feeling, seeing, hearing, basically everything felt by the five senses being described helps the reader to step into the characters shoes. That's what the write want. To experience everything he/she writes in a first person view point. And that's exactly what you should do. But don't do it always. When the character goes to a new place, or meets new people, you should describe them.

Overall

It was pretty small, but I see that the action is very near at moment. Keep it up.

Good luck, I'm eagerly waiting for the next chapters.

- C -

Well first off thanks for the tips, I'll try and work on the things you mentioned.
I'd like to see where you think the plot is going so I can tell if this is predictable or not.

Have you ever read the Ranger's Apprentice series? The reason I ask is because this stroy reminds me of that serie. Not like the whole thing or anything, just bits and pieces here and there.

So I've read all of the story that you have posted on here and I thought it was pretty good. The world you have created is very intresting and I look forward to learning more about the different kinds of warriors.

One thing I have noticed that you tend to do is rush through scenes.

The start of the expedition was actually kind of fun but then Hal told us some stories of when he was on his first hunt. He never knew if he would make it out alive for his mom.

Like they always say 'show, don't tell.' If Hal is going to tell a story have him actually tell it. Don't tell us he's telling one.

Well, hope that made sense.

Looking forward to the next chap.

~DG