Shoalmain's Princess {III}

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I am so on a roll today! Adios, Writers block!

~

III:
"Lady Amira? Two notes for you. One from your brother and one from the scribe. Sofer."

Amira sat up and walked to the door, opening it and peeking out at Coilin.
"Thank you."

She took the tray from him and retreated into the room, opening the envelope from Alvar.

Dearest Sister,
I apologize about last night. Unfortunately, the King is having some trouble on the edge of Shoalmain's beach, and he called some of us to go sort it out. I do not know how long I will be.

Love,
Your Brother.


Amira sat back, looking up at the celling, trying to avoid the tears that were running down her cheeks. Poor Alvar. Gone, and he didn't know if she forgave him.

To give herself something to do, she opened the note from Sofer.

Lady Amira,
As I said last night, I would be happy to show you around the grounds.
If you wish to join me, ask one of the Queen's (may she live forever) attendants to show you to the northern garden. I will be there for most of the day working on some papers.

Cordially,
Sofer the Scribe


Amira looked out of her window; saw the sun shining and the cloudless sky.

At this time back at home, she would be telling the slaves all the things that needed done that day. Then she and Aleda would go outside, and sit down to Aleda's lessons. Penmanship, Grammar and recitation, Arithmetic.

Amira felt her heart swell with loneliness, and wished her little sister were there.

Maybe she should go exploring with Sofer, it probably would distract her. Nevertheless, hadn't Alvar forbidden it? Well, now Alvar had left for Shoalmain's beach, and there was no one here that she knew. Why not?
~

Half an hour later, Amira stood in the entry, waiting for Coilin, so he could lead her to the northern garden.

All the way across the grounds, Amira gaped. The carefully tended bushes, hemming in beautiful gardens. The stone benches, covered artistically with moss, the fountains with mermaids swimming in them, the stone painted so perfectly they looked real, their long locks braided into long waves. Their tails, now that Amira looked closer, where made out of blue and green jewels.
"Come Miss." Coilin said, moving to stand beside her shoulder. "Queen Kie will not be happy if I am not back in her solar soon."
Amira nodded, still unwilling to leave the beautiful stone statues in the fountain.
~
"Lady Amira." Sofer rose from the bench he was sitting on, and bowed.
"Sofer," she curtsied and waved to Coilin. "Tell Queen Kie, that I thank her for this day off so early."

He nodded and scampered off, his blond hair shining in the soft sunlight.

"Are you enjoying the castle?" Sofer said, gesturing for them to walk.
Amira thought of the beautiful grounds, the castle, the way it had gleamed gold in the sunset last night. "Indeed. I think it is gorgeous. I'm in awe from the time I wake, till I lay my head on the pillow at night."

Sofer smiled. "Quite eloquent."

Amira blushed, and looked around, taking in the scene that surrounded her. "Why, this is so different from the other grounds I saw this morning."

The garden was overgrown, but not in a bad way. The roses, left to their own devices had wound themselves around a fountain, which obviously hadn't been used it years. The scent of the flowers that were everywhere, growing in pots that were broken and old, floated on the air.
"I love it!" Amira looked up, and caught sight of a tall tower, covered in vines. "Why, what is that?"
"That," Sofer said gravely, "Is the first queen’s personal tower."
Amira looked at him, confused. "First queen?"
He nodded. "They say she was enchanted. She lived up there, and never came down. Vasily loved her though. He would have tea with her every day, till the day she disappeared. They say that she only came out once. It was during a full eclipse. The King, may he live forever, was hosting a ball. Those that were there, talk of a beautiful girl with white blond hair, in a dark blue dress, almost black. She disappeared that night. And Queen Kie, appeared. Mysterious as it sounds, it really isn't."

Amira looked thoughtful up at the tower, and a brilliant idea came to her. "Let's explore it."
"What?" Sofer looked at her in disbelief. "No one has ever dared-"
"Then let's dare! Come on!" She ran towards the tower, headless to his warnings, and after a moment's hesitation, he followed her...
~
They stood at the foot, looking up at the tower. The door, covered in vines, was ajar, so the musty light shone into the entry beyond. Sofer had taken out his knife, and was hacking at the vines, still mumbling prayers and warnings in equal measure.

They entered, clouds of dust rising with each step. The air was thick with old dust and dirt, and it clogged Amira's throat. She started coughing, looking around in wonderment. The luster of old glory shone as bright as the sunshine outside. The walls, studded with stones, and the floor was made out of something, even though it was covered in inches of dust, shined.

"Oh Sofer, it’s absolutely beautiful! Look!"

He was looking around in amazement. "Indeed."
Amira ran to the corner and began mounting the circular staircase. As she reached the second room, her heart stopped. It was a room, painted gold. The sun that shone through the windows bounced off the walls, floor and ceiling, blinding Amira and Sofer, who was behind her.
"Goodness. It's amazing." Sofer whispered.
This room was a library, the shelves standing in circles, lined with books. In the middle of the room, stood a desk, an old moth eaten runner covering the top. A candle stood on it, and an open book. "It's like she's still here..." Sofer whispered, as though if he spoke louder, he would disturb some sleeping beast.

Amira walked around the circumference of the room, and stopped a jeweled chest. Bending down, she lifted the lid...
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame




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Awesome story!
Watch out for the typo errors though! Oh and wonderment isn't a word [I know it should be :) but it's not]
Again, you've got some skills
"Simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plain"




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The piece is in need of further development.

Let's start with the notes.

Dearest Sister,

I apologize about last night. Unfortunately, the King is having some trouble on the edge of Shoalmain's beach, and he called some of us to go sort it out. I do not know how long I will be.

Love,

Your Brother.


The entire note should be in italics, but that's a minor detail when compared to the rest of the note. The note is terrible. You can keep the "Dearest Sister" part, but the rest needs work. If he is going to write an apology, he would include explain himself.

"I apologize for my behavior last night. Slamming Hector's head into the barbecue grill was not the way I should have dealt with him flirting with you. Instead, I should have had him hung by his entrails. I won't make the same mistake again. Sincerely, your brother."


By the way, when have you ever seen someone sign their name as "Your brother?" It is more like something you would use in place of "Sincerely."

"I apologize for my behavior last night. Slamming Hector's head into the barbecue grill was not the way I should have dealt with him flirting with you. Instead, I should have had him hung by his entrails. I won't make the same mistake again.

Your brother,
Your brother??????"


It is said that the sweetest sound a person can hear is the sound of their own name. Why then would her brother not indulge in that by signing his name?

"I apologize for my behavior last night. Slamming Hector's head into the barbecue grill was not the way I should have dealt with him flirting with you. Instead, I should have had him hung by his entrails. I won't make the same mistake again.

Your brother,
Grif"


Now for the next message:

Lady Amira,

As I said last night, I would be happy to show you around the grounds.

If you wish to join me, ask one of the Queen's (may she live forever) attendants to show you to the northern garden. I will be there for most of the day working on some papers.

Cordially,

Sofer the Scribe


Again, the message should be in italics. But the content of this one doesn't make sense. Why would a scribe work outdoors? A slight breeze would disturb any paper, fall on the ground (thereby covering the work in dirt), and if the scribe ran out of ink, he'd have to go all the way back to the storeroom for more ink. I'm pretty sure the Queen wouldn't appreciate signing official documents that are covered in mud or grime.

Another question, why is a scribe (a trademan) telling a lady (a noble) to come to him? Wouldn't protocol require him to meet her instead? Further, doesn't the scribe have important work to be doing? Why spend an hour of daylight strolling around the gardens when that daylight can be used to actually copy books or write up decrees? Finally, what would a Scribe know about the gardens (working, as he ought to, in a workshop that is protected from the elements?) Why not apply to the head groundskeeper, someone who would actually have access to the entire grounds and would know every rock on it and have a key to every gate?

Which brings up another point: why is the First Queen's tower (which is off limits) unlocked so that anyone can enter it? Wouldn't they take pre-cautions (i.e. putting a lock on the door) to keep people out? How about armed guards?

This stretches the plausibility of the story too far; you'll need to justify them a little more.
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