Clouds are the last appeal to cynical minds.

I am putting this post on because it needs help!! So please feel free to comment! Obviously I'd rather you were truthful without being too harsh and encouragement is always great but that's up to you.

Today I saw a sight;
A sight, oh what a sight!
Describing it another way-
Easy as pinning words to clouds.

For clouds are what I saw;
With light stolen from lover's eyes
Bursting through the seams,
Through the silver-shadowed eyelids of the sky.

I felt no sadness
Though the shutters were down,
Because obviously a light as glorious as this
Needed to be veiled.

Yet even when the light was smothered, covered,
The bright clouds were proof that there was something to be veiled;
And maybe the clouds are the final truth,
The last appeal to cynical minds-

Maybe they are the metaphor of reason,
And they tell that the fact that God is hiding
Enough to be doubtable but not enough to be forgotten,
Proves that there is something to be hidden.

Thank you,
T x
PS this is the second edition and all the comments were so helpful so thank you!!!

Oh wow, I really, really like this. I mean, yes, it does need help, but you have stunning imagery and an interesting topic and a dynamite title... combine those ideas with each other, and you're well on your way to something amazing!

The main thing is that I think you try to explain too much. I mean, in the beginning, it feels like you're trying to say, "This is about clouds" too much. Just dive into your beautiful imagery, okay? It's awesome... really. So focus more on the clouds and less on you and it'll be even better.

Interesting.
Though I have one or two things to point out

To describe it any other way would be as vain and
Easy as pinning words to clouds.

The "and" wasn't really required.

Through the silver-shadowed eyelids of the sky.

Now that, was beautiful. Nothing more, nothing less. Beautiful.

I saw this view and smiled
Because obviously a light as glorious as this
Needed to be veiled.

Now
1. "Obviously" wasn't really required here. Neither was Because. You could put it in a single line, for example : " For light as glorious as this should be veiled" or anything similar and finish the stanza with 2 more lines.

2. The fact that you used 3 lines instead of 4 caused the flow to break up a bit.

But that's what I think. In the end it's you who's presenting your own thoughts and they should be presented in the way you see fit. All I can do is put forward what I think and hope that it helps.
I think, everything considered, it's a wonderful read. And I do agree 'Clouds are the last appeal to cynical minds'.

Thanks so much for your comments They were very helpful, especially since I did not particularily like my first draft, it felt awkward, this feels a lot better although obviously can still be changed!
I hope I changed all the problems you picked out but the new parts may be worse than the original so feel free to comment again in fact I would love for a second comment as it shows that you like my poem.
If I didnt change something that was pointed out (such as the "obviously") it means that either I cant think of anything that will work better, or (as in "obviously") its there for a reason as far as I know
Thanks again, I love it when people comment on any of my work even if it's just constructive criticsim.
T x

You got it going, I agree with snoink on the imagery and ideas of this poem are good, great really. But what I do not like is the lack of infomation and the lack of "world" to your poem.

Today I saw a sight;
A sight, oh what a sight!
Describing it another way
-Easy as pinning words to clouds.

What I don't like about this is that it has a different tone compared to the other parts of the poem, it's singsongy and just... Out of place. Everything else follows a more somber and... Well, everything else sounds more like they understand what's happening and how, where as this sounds more like you're 4 years old and looking at fireworks. Not bad, just unsure of how useful it is.

For clouds are what I saw;
With light stolen from lover's eyes
Bursting through the seams,
Through the silver-shadowed eyelids of the sky.

This is some nice imagery and it follows the line of the poem, sticking within certain regions of description instead of overflowing and losing itself, it's good. What I dislike about this part is that nothing else of this poem echos the idea of love, atleast directly. I mean you could certainly call this light love, and things but it goes from amazment, to love, to containment, to speculation, to god.
This doesn't exactly sound like a complete circle, really. I think this poem is drawing itself from one too many ideas, such as love or god. Currently, it can be both, or just even about god and a love for god. The thing is, it's not uniform and it's not all one direction. Give it direction.

I felt no sadness
Though the shutters were down,
Because obviously a light as glorious as this
Needed to be veiled.

Why does it need to be vieled? Give this some spectacular imagery and a purpose, what's so glorious about it? Where is it being hidden, why is it being hidden? How does your sadness come into play with these things? Again, good concept.

Yet even when the light was smothered, covered,
The bright clouds were proof that there was something to be veiled;
And maybe the clouds are the final truth,
The last appeal to cynical minds-

I don't like the second line, it's a good idea again, but it's not... used properly, i guess. Here is where I would like for you to take what you gave "world" to in the last stanza, purpose, concrete-ness and i want this to follow it. I want to see what about the clouds is proof. Yes, light could be the reason but there's just not enough of a world here for me to understand why and connect to it.

Maybe they are the metaphor of reason,
And they tell that the fact that God is hiding
Enough to be doubtable but not enough to be forgotten,
Proves that there is something to be hidden.

proves is out of tense, kinda try making it proving for a better sound.
Now, the end, the glorious and interesting end. Your last line is basicly the same point as your previous stanza, that's not too good. It creates a return to what we previously thought while not giving it anything new really, i mean the reason and god and what not is something new to think about but we have no way to figure out HOW to think about it.


You have some good ideas, I really just think you need to give us more of a how in this poem, to give us a world and HOW it works. Not just what works within it or around it or anything, but we need to know how everything interacts and points to the same idea.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.