Lolzombies Prologue

Spoiler

Note that this will probably be edited quite a lot and perhaps even rewritten entirely...you can never tell with me and novels. I also tend to write my prologues impossibly short.

Nobody was quite sure how it started. There were opinions, of course- there always are, but the truth concealed itself exceptionally well.

The truth was, it started with a text. The bane of all grammar, the text. And the contents were as thus:

lol!!!!1111 i dont no

The universe was strained enough as it was, but this one hideous text broke the barrier. The universe had one choice: adapt, or be destroyed. And so it chose to adapt, to twist itself in a vain attempt to make sense. Thus the Lolzombies were born.

Hideous, they were. Faces white as milk, and lapse, as if suffering from a stroke. Their eyes were black as the Devil's, and if you looked close enough, you could see every grammar mistake ever made, written in the iris. Not that you would ever get close enough, and live to tell others.

You'd lose your sanity, and any sense of grammar, before you even got within a yard of them.

Spoiler

Abrupt ending, I know. And not my best writing. Do your worst, reviewers!

I LOVED THIS!

Except that I'm taking a linguistics class, so first I have to tell you that texting is not actually the bane of the English language, it is how teenagers are causing the English language to evolve as their parents and grandparents and great-grandparents did before them, etc.....

But who cares. I still get annoyed when someone sends me a horribly un-prescriptively-grammatical text or e-mail, even if descriptive grammar is technically all that matters.

As you said, the ending is indeed abrupt. It's still okay - I mean, it's funny and everything, but I feel like you should add just one sentence more, or revise this sentence, to make it really feel like an end (even though this is the very beginning). This sort of prologue seems like it would end well with a "..." sentence... As in, "Before you even got within a yard of them, you'd lose your sanity, and something far more important..." And then of course the worse thing would be losing your grammar. Oops. ^_^ So that's my suggestion, but you can do whatever you want with that.

Other than that, there is one typo. "You could see ever grammar mistake ever made" - of course you meant "every."

That's all! I'll have to keep reading, if the whole novel is in this vein...

~Blue

Hello!

The bane of all grammar, the text.

I'm not sure that this makes sense, like the two ends tying together. I'm not sure that texts are the bane of grammar. Good communication, maybe, but grammar sounds weird. It could be just the way this is worded; either way, this sentence needs work.

Hideous, they were.

Passive voice isn't very strong here, and you need to be strong! You're talking about zombies! Reword to They were hideous. Without the passive voice, such a short sentence has a huge impact.

Faces white as milk, and lapse, as if suffering from a stroke.

Lapse? I'm not sure what you mean -- are you missing some words?

Their eyes were black as the Devil's, and if you looked close enough, you could see ever grammar mistake ever made, written in the iris.

"Black as the Devil's" doesn't sound right... I'm not sure why not, but if you read it out loud, it sounds awkward. Maybe try "their eyes were Devil-black" or something? "Black as sin"? "Black as graphite"? (You know, graphite being in pencils and all.)


This was short, but funny. XD I like your deadpan style of describing everything--it definitely adds to the humour. The main problems here were wording issues. You can help avoid this by reading it out loud to get a feel for the prose, and try to read it as an outsider. Read it as a reader, not as its writer, and that'll help you sort out things like the rhythm.

I hope this helped some! PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit

okayyy...

i like the idea that it seems as if the whole world left because you would lose your sanity quickly if you didnt have anyone to talk to. lolzombiess. nice name but i am still a little confused as to why. were you textinig then all of the sudden you saw a zombie and typed it??

im confused, but other than that

faces as white as milk

that was a good simile. way to use your literary terms.
i also like how short it is. its easy to get the picture, and the bluntness of zombies taking over.

i dont get how you would know the zombie's eye disturbance.

Their eyes were black as the Devil's, and if you looked close enough, you could see ever grammar mistake ever made, written in the iris/quote] if you have never been that close. if anyone found out they would be dead. also the

black as the Devil's

doesn't sound right in the context.... we don't know what color it is and you need to relate it something common.

hope this was helpfull

thanks

byee!!

okayyy...

i like the idea that it seems as if the whole world left because you would lose your sanity quickly if you didnt have anyone to talk to. lolzombiess. nice name but i am still a little confused as to why. were you textinig then all of the sudden you saw a zombie and typed it??

im confused, but other than that

faces as white as milk

that was a good simile. way to use your literary terms.
i also like how short it is. its easy to get the picture, and the bluntness of zombies taking over.

i dont get how you would know the zombie's eye disturbance.

Their eyes were black as the Devil's, and if you looked close enough, you could see ever grammar mistake ever made, written in the iris/quote] if you have never been that close. if anyone found out they would be dead. also the

black as the Devil's

doesn't sound right in the context.... we don't know what color it is and you need to relate it something common.

hope this was helpfull

thanks

byee!!

OMG. Why is this in fantasy and not in nonfiction?! This is essentially the story of my life!

Anyway, you should totally write more of this. Mostly because it's crazy and I adore the fact that the universe snaps at that sort of typo. Because, you know, that typo pretty much is why the universe would collapse anyway. Really?! No is not know! Geez.

Anyway, write more!