Family Matters. Chapter 5.

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Almost done, only one more chapter to post after this....I think.

Chapter 5.

Jagger didn’t get to talk to Chelsea until after the lesson. Turning in his bow, he walked over to where Chelsea was still practicing.

“Nice shooting.” he commented as she split an apple from the head of a dummy 30 feet away. Lowering her bow, she flashed him a quick smile of even, white teeth. Jagger was momentarily distracted by her dark brown eyes and it wasn’t until she looked at him expectantly that he realized she’d asked him a question.

“Sorry,” He hoped he didn’t look as stupid as he felt. “What did you say?”

Chelsea laughed and started to unstring her bow. “I just asked if you were new, I haven’t see you around”

“I got here last night.” He stuck out his hand. “The name’s Jagger, but you can call me Jag.”

Chelsea shook his hand, her grip firm. “Chelsea.” She grinned. “I’m guessing today’s been pretty overwhelming. First time you’ve ever used a bow?

Jagger winced comically. “I was that bad?” He became more serious. “Yeah though, first time.

Chelsea chuckled. “You actually did really well for a beginner, but you probably can cross Apollo off the list of who your godly parent might be. Which means we aren‘t related.”

Jagger was about to tell her that didn’t break his heart, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning around he found Mason behind him, holding Jagger’s guitar and bag.

“You about ready to go?” Mason asked.

“No, I’m not ready to go. I’m in the middle of a conversation.” Jagger whispered furiously. “What are you try to do, man?

“What I’m trying to do is save you life.” Mason hissed back. “Bruno’s been staring daggers at you and Chelsea for the passed 5 minutes” Mason darted a look at the tree Bruno had been under and nearly jumped out of his skin. “O Hades, he’s coming this way.” He raised his voice back to a normal volume. “Lets move on Jagger, I’ve got stuff of my own I want to do when we’re done with this tour.” Mason’s face was set and determine.

Chelsea spoke suddenly.

“I can finish giving him the tour if you have things to do, Mason.” Jagger and Mason both turned to her. “I’m done with archery for today, so I’m free for a while.” She brushed back a strand of blonde hair and addressed Jagger. “That is, if you’re okay with that?” Mason opened his mouth, but Jagger answered Chelsea first.

“ That would be great, if you don’t mind.” He ignored Mason’s pleading eyes. “I don’t want to keep Mason if he’s busy.”

Mason seem about to protest but at the sharp elbow Jagger buried in his side, checked himself.

“Sounds good, Chelsea,” Jagger could practically hear him grinding his teeth. “I’ll drop Jagger's stuff off at Hermes cabin when I pass it.”

Chelsea smiled. “Okay then, just let me put away my bow and we can go.” She flashed another grin and strode off towards an small shed.

Jagger clapped an hand on Mason’s shoulder. “Thanks, man.”

“You won’t thank me when you’re laying on the ground in a pool of blood.” Mason shook his head sadly.

Jagger laughed.“Come on, it’s not like we’re dating, she’s just showing me around the camp.”

Mason frowned. “He wont see it that way.” He nodded towards Chelsea. Bruno had approached her and seem to be asking her something. “The guy is insane.”

Jagger was about to answer him when Chelsea called him.

“Jag, you ready?”

Jagger punched Mason in the shoulder. “Later.” He said before walking over to Chelsea. Mason watched him go. Watched Chelsea and Jagger leave the archery field and saw what neither of them did.

The dark plotting smile that spread over Bruno’s face.

………………………………...............................

When Chelsea finished showing Jagger the camp, she dropped him off at Hermes cabin.

“There it is.” Chelsea said, pointing to an unimpressive cabin with chipping paint about 10 yards away. “Home sweet home, at least until you’re claimed.”

“Speak now Father.” Jagger said mockingly, pressing his hands together and turning his eyes heavenward.

“Stop, that’s not funny.” Chelsea laughed despited of her words, but looked around as though she was afraid someone had heard her.

“Alright.” Jagger said, pretending to pout for an minute before changing the subject. “Thanks for the tour and archery lesson, I enjoyed them.”

“No problem,” She smiled. “Will you be at practice tomorrow?”

Jagger grinned back. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

“I’ll see you there then.”

There was a brief moment of awkward silence that Chelsea broke.

“I guess I’ll be going. Talk to you later.”

Jagger watched her walk away, her step confident. Thoughts still on Chelsea, he began to walk slowly toward the cabin. He was halfway to it when someone stumbled out of the cabin, the screen door slamming loudly behind them. It took a moment for Jagger to reconize the lanky figure.

“Mason? What happened?”

Mason looked terrible. His shirt, torn in several places, had blood spilled down the front, that, from the looks of the swelling, had come from his nose. One eye was blackened and a bruise, in the distinct shape of four knuckles, formed on an cheekbone. His tawny hair held in crazy clumps of something that looked like mud.

At Jagger’s voice he jumped, nearly dropping the ice pack he had pressed to a lump the size of a egg on the side of his head.

“I tried to stopped them, but there were too many, Jag. I tried, I really did, but I never-”

Jagger stopped him.

“Mason, make sense. Who couldn’t you stop from doing what?” Jagger grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him gently.

Mason’s eyes cleared and he pointed wordlessly behind him. Following Mason’s finger, Jagger saw his duffle bag and guitar.

His guitar.

His mom’s guitar.

Jagger released Mason and moved passed him as though in a trance. Lying on the ground, the guitar case was open and when Jagger saw the instrument the strength left his legs and he fell numbly to his knees beside it.

Black tar had been pour over the guitar, coating the strings, spotting the honey colored wood, and cementing the pegs in place. The smell of it burned his throat and stung his eyes.

Twigs, gravel, and leaves were stuck in the tar and all the tar free areas were horribly scratched. In the largest clear place the letters A-R-E-S were gorged deep in the wood. See them, the numbness drained away, replaced by hot anger that started in the pit of Jagger’s stomach and spread like fire though the rest of his body. Shooting to his feet he spun back to Mason.

“Where is he?” He demanded. See the look on Jagger’s face, Mason tried to stop him.

“Don’t Jagger, it’s suicide.” He grasped Jagger’s bicep.

Jagger simply repeated the question. “Where is he?” When Mason wouldn’t answer Jagger pulled his arm free.

“Fine, if you wont tell me,” He brushed roughly past Mason. “I’ll find him on my own.”

Chapter 6. viewtopic.php?f=361&t=87500
Last edited by Dragongirl on Sat Jan 14, 2012 10:54 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Hey there! I've been reading and unable to stop since I started chapter one! The only issue I have is a few grammatical errors, but other than that I really like your plot and I'm just in love with your characters! You've got great voice and tone too! I love Rick Riordan's series and reading this, I think you're spot on! All in all, love it! Keep writing!
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Honestly, I feel like you did a decent job with this. Chapters one, two, and three had the plot progressing absurdly quickly, but otherwise it was okay. Your description of the characters is well done, not too much but just right. The other characters are quircky, with just enough personality to make them stand out. I really like the main character, his fawning adoration of any female character halfway attractive is pretty funny. Honestly, this is a pretty good little story, I think it would have been a tad better if you made it into a short story and maybe started when he was already in camp, but that's just my opinion.
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"Chelsea chuckled. “You actually did really well for a beginner, but you probably can cross Apollo off the list of who your godly parent might be. Which means we aren‘t related.” " XD Oh, Chelsea! How your wits doth make me laugh!

"Jagger was about to tell her that didn’t brake his heart, " -break. ;)

I was tearing up when you posted that about the stupid Ares bully bashing poor Jag's guitar-He better get some sweet revenge, girl!
It isn't schizophrenia when you write about the voices in your head and get it published. That's talent.
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This was good. As usual ;) But my job here is to point out this stuff that could help you make it better. So here are my nit-picks :D

Ok, so I love Chelsea and I can't wait to get to know her a bit more. But here's a couple things I had to point out about her appearace:
I can finish giving him the tour if you have things to do, Mason.” Jagger and Mason both turned to her. “I’m done with archery for today, so I’m free for a while.” She brushed back a strand of hair and addressed Jagger. “That is, if you’re okay with that?” Mason opened his mouth, but Jagger answered Chelsea first.

This is a perfect chance to describe her hair color, so don't waste it! So, she's blond, right? So say something like "She brushed back a strand of her golden blond hair and addressed Jagger." Or pale blond or honey blond, whatever shade it is.
“Nice shooting.” he commented as she split an apple from the head of a dummy 30 feet away. Lowering her bow, she flashed him a quick smile of even, white teeth. Jagger was momentarily distracted by her dark brown eye and it wasn’t until she looked at him expectantly that he realized she’d asked him a question.

I'm pretty sure Chelsea has two eyes, unless she's a cyclopes... lol. That was just something that bugged me that you should fix by putting an "s" on the end of "eye" ;)

As for Masen: I. Love. Him! Haha, I can tell he's gonna be giving a lot of humor to your story. But what does he look like? I'm kinda curious...

And then this diologue is...urking me X) Like that one time before, you put the wrong nouns after the wrong words and then it makes us confused as to who is saying who.

Jagger clapped an hand on Mason’s shoulder. “Thanks, man.” Mason shook his head sadly.

“You won’t thank me when you’re laying on the ground in a pool of blood.” Jagger laughed.

“Come on, it’s not like we’re dating, she’s just showing me around the camp.”


It should really be
Jagger clapped an hand on Mason’s shoulder. “Thanks, man.”

“You won’t thank me when you’re laying on the ground in a pool of blood," Mason said, shaking his head sadly.

Jagger laughed. “Come on, it’s not like we’re dating, she’s just showing me around the camp.”


And I HATE/love what Bruno did to his guitar. What a-what a- what a jerk! You did a good part on being evil there. Nice work ;) But really? His mom's guitar? Aaahh! How could you?!

But overall, wonderful work. Keep it up! :)
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