Remembering
Sometimes I remember. I don’t want to, believe me, but it happens. I’ve tried to move on from that day, to forget the look on your face when I told you I had to go. Yet all I have left now is memories. I don’t want to remember, but I’m terrified of forgetting you. I promised I wouldn’t; do you remember? I don’t break my promises.
I was so afraid of what I had to tell you that day. We sat outside, watching the clouds as we always did and you asked me why I was shaking. I told you I was just a little cold. I’m sorry that I lied. I thought you would see right through me but you offered me your coat and I took it, wishing I could stay huddled next to you forever.
I’m sitting in that very place now, but it’s not the same. The flowers have withered and died, and a cold blanket of snow covers the ground. The cold air hangs like cobwebs and I try not to shiver.
For hours I put off saying goodbye to you, hoping that some miracle would come along and make everything change. But it didn’t. Of course it didn’t. Every single ounce of my energy was being used up, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. There was so much I wanted to tell you but, I couldn’t find the words to use.
We stayed there in silence, not even bothering to keep up our conversation. That had petered away long ago. You didn’t point out the shapes in the sky to me anymore; you must have known there was something hanging between us, yet you didn’t bring it up. You waited for me to speak first. Perhaps you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. I know I couldn’t.
Why did this have to happen? Why was it, that when I was so insanely happy with the people in my life something had to come and push one of the most important people out? It was like there was a ten foot road block in between us, and I hadn’t the strength to remove it. So I was going for the other option. The only one I had left. I had to remove myself instead.
I wanted to scream out loud, to curse the world for doing this to me; to us. But my voice was lost, along with any hope I had held on to. I brushed my hair out of my face, in an attempt to pull myself together. It had to be now.
“I have to leave.” The words stung my throat as I choked them up and for a minute I was unsure as to whether I had actually spoken them aloud.
You looked up and smiled; how could you have been so naïve? “I’ll see you again soon?”
I shook my head, hating myself for doing this but knowing I couldn’t turn back now. “No.” I heard you laugh, thinking that I was joking. How I wished I was. I shook my head, “I’m not coming back.”
Your smile faltered then, and I could see you struggling to understand what I meant. After all the times I had told you I would be there forever, why was I leaving you now? I got up, not even meeting your gaze. If I looked into your eyes I knew I would stay; you always had that effect on me.
“I’ll miss you,” I whispered, willing you to know how true those words were. “I’ll never forget you.”
I didn’t stop as I left you there, walking quickly to the train station. I knew I wouldn’t see you again, but I knew this had to be done. I think you knew that too because you didn’t shout out after me or follow me. You just stayed sitting in that very same spot, not moving an inch.
I don’t know how long you sat there, or if you waited for me to come back. As soon as the train came I got on it and watched you from the window for the very last time.
I’ve removed your name from my phonebook, and I no longer have any idea as to where you live. I guess I could find you if I tried very hard, but I know I mustn’t. I can never see you again.
There’s only one thing left to do now; I have to erase your name from my heart. But every time I remember, that becomes a little harder to do.
I wonder if you ever think about me, however I know that it’s not very likely. I hate that your life will go on as if I were never there. You will walk in the places we once used to meet and I won’t cross your mind, not even for a second. I think I’d rather that though, than know you felt the pain I do.
I get up and it begins to rain, each drop hiding my own tears. It falls harder and harder so I run faster; trying to get away from the memories.
Do you ever remember me? Do you think of the moments we shared? Do you miss me?
For now, I push the endless circle of questions out of my mind, knowing they’ll be back. They always come back.
