Dagger of Truth (Prologue and Chapter 1 part one)

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Prologue


I’m Victoria Stake and I’m a Naiad, or a water elf in simpler terms. I’m having one of the worst days in my one thousand five hundred thirty-one years of existance. For starters, my brother drives me into a wall. Second, I’m in hiding from the C.I.A who wants to hunt my friends and me down and study us. Why I don’t know, but it can’t be for the good of the world. To wrap it all up, I’m being forced to kill one of my friends. I don’t really WANT to kill him, but I can’t exactly stop it. At the moment any way. I truly love being a Naiad, at this moment though, it’s not all beach parties and fruit smoothies. How did I end up here? To a point where killing one of my friends is my only choice? Well, everything started out fairly normal. Then, everything changed all because of a need. A need for power.

Chapter 1
I Kill the Coffee Table


Dang this sucks, I thought to myself.
“YOU are the one who didn't listen to me. If you had you might have won!” Thanos pointed out.
Thanos, who was inside my head because we’d angered Morgana, is my boyfriend, (he’d proposed but I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him my answer). Morgana had been a powerful witch four hundred years ago. She’d been intrigued by him, and he had spurned her. To retaliate, she’d tried to kill me, his love. I think Morgana had been trying to make the statement: ‘If I can’t have you nobody can!’ Instead, he had killed her and saved my life. She’d casted a spell though, in the last moments of her miserable life, that imprisoned him inside my mind. Now we were trying to find a counter-spell to break it.
“Oh can it, I don't want to hear it.” I thought back to him, (and yes, I could have told him my answer to his proposal, but I wanted to do it to his face.) I'd just been blasted into a wall by Nathan, my brother, who was a sorcerer; we do battle training every day, so being thrown into a wall was the norm for me. I call Nathan, Nate for short, though Thanos calls him a number of unkind names that he wishes I used more often.
I made my way toward my room. My scythe over my shoulder, my weapon of choice that I could make double-bladed with water by freezing it in to a blade, plus I got the bonus of making Thanos happy. I was proud to wield my scythe, it had been a gift from Thanos. Thanos’ scythe, that he had dropped when he’d been sucked into my head, was in my closet, waiting for the day he’d wield it again. I couldn’t wait to see him again. When we finally got him out the first thing we planed on doing was going to the basement. We were going to fight Sarah and Xavier’s critters. Xavier is Sarah’s boyfriend. They’ve been dating for the past two hundred years, and Thanos and I have been dating for the past four hundred, the past two hundred years he has been trapped in my head.
Xavier is a Shadow Shifter, and Thanos’ best friend. He’d been looking for Thanos when he and Sarah had met. Being me, I’d told Sarah and Xavier that Thanos was currently stuck in my head. I hadn’t quite thought through all of the consequences of that choice. Sarah had panicked. Her hair had, literally, exploded, destroying the inn we’d been staying at. (We hadn’t been invited to the grand re-opening.) I’d booked it outside, Xavier had hid in the shadows of the inn, which had protected him, keeping him alive. Sarah had freaked about Thanos and Xavier hadn’t helped when he had explained his powers either. He became a shadowy black panther or a shadow, depending on what the situation called for. He could also manipulate shadows to do what he wished. Imagine my surprise that a few days after the Inn Incident to find out that they were dating. I’m glad Sarah has him, she needs someone who can handle her fire as well as respect her... without fear.
I thought about trying to find a book in the library. Maybe I’d missed something about a way to get Thanos out. My stomach didn’t agree with that plan though, so I turned around and made my way toward the kitchen. Arguing the whole way with Mr.Should-Have-Listened-to-Me. I was getting madder by the minute. Nate and I almost always ended up in a stale mate, today was no different. I grabbed my water bottle and gulped down some water.
“I’m going to kill him.” I mumbled, this time out loud for some satisfaction. I heard a yelp and my head whipped toward the sound. It was my friend Walter, who was ducking behind the island, his short, dark brown hair and goat horns poking over the edge. Walter is a satyr, half-goat, half-man with eyes that were the color green of a leaf when sunlight shone through it. His dad is a centaur, half-horse, half-man; and according to Walter his dad is a little disappointed that he isn’t a centaur. Sarah and I are a unclear as to how Walter was a satyr and his dad a centaur, but both are video game addicts. Not that I can point fingers, I have Thanos in my head that I argue with, sometimes kill people because it’s their time, collect souls with, and who is stuck in my head for the time being. Compared to me, the two of them seem almost normal. Almost.
I smiled, “Hi Walter.” I said cheerfully. I watched as Walter hurried out of the room. My mind was momentarily distracted with concern for Walter. I shrugged, hoping it was nothing to worry about. I grabbed a pear that we’d just gotten and bit into it, pulling three water balls up from the sink to play around with as I did. I left the room, messing around with the balls that I’d pulled up around me. I saw Sarah standing in the center of the foyer, looking at the hallway that led to the living-room and our bedrooms. The tile I’d just put in, which was an off-white color, looked like it was about to start melting.
“Sarah, you and I may be able to survive the temperatures we can create, but the tile can’t.”
“What? Oh! Sorry about that Tori, I know you just put these in.” Sarah said apologetically.
I laughed, “Don’t worry, they lived and I had leftovers, so we could have fixed it if we needed to.”
Sarah laughed as I watched her cool down and regain control of her hair. Sarah is an Ignous, or a fire elf, with strawberry blonde hair, gray-blue eyes and was only a couple of inches shorter than me. (I don’t mention the height difference often for a couple of reasons, one: I like my jeans in their current condition... without scorch marks. Two: I like my skin unmarked.) She’s my best friend, and we have a mind connection. All elves can create mind connections, but only if they are the same type. It also annoys Nate and Walter when we beat them in training, they don’t know about this handy connection and just think that we have really good hand signals, or some secret girl language. Sarah glanced back at the hallway, concern lining her face. Taking a peek into our mind connection, I learned that she was uneasy. I felt my mad on it’s way back, but Sarah’s concern slowed it’s progress.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Walter just ran into me. He looks kinda...” Sarah searched for the right word.
“Skittish, nervous, paranoid?”
“No, more like wary. I don’t know about what though.”
“Oh. I really hope he’s okay. Do you think he had one of his dreams again?”
“It’s possible. Do you think he would tell us if he did?”
I looked at her with a Are-You-Crazy? look, “Sarah, this is Walter we’re talking about. He wouldn’t want you and me going all protective on him. So... no, he wouldn’t tell us. But I bet he went to talk to his dad.”
“I hope he did. It’s not fun to see him like that. Especially when he tries to start pulling out his goatee.” Sarah smiled, and then we both started laughing. My mad was back though. Dang it, though I wasn’t going to take it out on Sarah. Even though she wouldn’t mind if I did take it out on her.
“Tori, you and I may be able to survive the temperatures we can create, but the tile can’t.” Sarah said, repeating what I said to her earlier.
“Whoops!” I said, laughter bubbling up.
Sarah laughed, “What has you trying to freeze the tiles that you just said I couldn’t melt?” She turned serious, “Is it Thanos? Xavier and I can help. ” Sarah creates monsters of fire for me when Thanos annoys me.
“No. Nate and I just finished training. My mad just came back.” I noticed that the water balls I had going around me had frozen solid.
Understanding lit Sarah’s face, “Ah. Would you like to go beat up some fire critters? I made a new one yesterday.” She sang with a knowing look.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, just send that thought my way if you change your mind.”
Last edited by Deathcurrent on Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:27 am, edited 8 times in total.
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II




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Please let me know how it is! I'd appreciate feedback before I get too far. :) NOTE: Reaper's name will be changing! I just haven't found a good name yet. If you have ideas, message me! Thanos is one that I'm thinking about but there are others that I'm unsure about. I don't want to use an overdone name. :smt004
Last edited by Deathcurrent on Wed Aug 31, 2011 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II




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Hello! I will reviewing your work now :)

who want to hunt my friends and me down, and study us, why I don’t know, but it can’t be good.


WAY to many commas :P My advise here is to break it down. For example:

...who want to hunt my friends and I down and study us. The reason is unknown, but it surely cannot be pleasing.

It doesn't have to be exactly like that. It's just a example.

It was a good plot, however I would like you to keep track of your commas and where you place them. Too much of them can lose the reader's intrest. Please message me if you have any questions about this.
Next thing I would like to point out is how much words you put on the platter. This piece was way too long and a lot of people don't like reading long pieces. I'm not telling you to delete any information, just cut it in half and post one part as 'part one' and the other as 'part two'. It makes it way easier on us reviewers :)
Overall, I think it is a very interesting and unique story. Will you please notify me when other chapters come out?
No, sir. I am not crazy. I just have a vast amount of beautiful imagination.

Spoiler
Imprisoned beneath is where the souless dwell.
Lies a place that the damned call home.
A place where the virtuous hide in fear.
A place we only see in our nightmares.
A place where the sun is silent...
- Alesana




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Hi Deathcurrent! :D

Okay, so you have an interesting premise here! One thing that particularly tickled my fancy was the idea of the boyfriend being stuck in her head. Ouch! What a thing to live with. I don't think I would really like that at all, but maybe that's just me. Plus, I kind of think that my head is a scary place to be. O_o

Also, I like the name Thanos! Of course, I wouldn't know whether this is an overused name or not, but then again, I am not that familiar with these stories!

Now, with your story in particular, I think you dumped on all these things at once. For example, most of your first chapter consisted of explanations and barely any plot. I think it might be better to only give a couple of bits of information out -- for instance, the boyfriend sharing the mind of her! Then, just introduce things and get straight to the plot. That way you can pace things better. :) Right now, it seems less like a novel and more like a notebook that is used to develop worlds and characters. Trust me... you don't have to tell the reader everything! In fact, you probably shouldn't. One of my favorite fantasy stories starts off with this unicorn who is alone. And she hears these humans talking about how there are no more unicorns left and she is the last one alive. She wonders about this, so she goes on this huge quest to find these unicorns... and encounters many strange things! This is, of course, Peter S. Beagle's work, "The Last Unicorn."

And I know how tempting it is to dump everything at once -- trust me! I am writing a fantasy story called "Swan Song" -- completely different world!-- and I am tempted to do the same. We have the exact opposite problem, of course... I tell too little. When I edit my story, I will have to add more information at the beginning. But, on the plus side, because I told so little about this world, people are wondering, "What's going on?" and sometimes their curiosity is tickled and they want to read more. Of course, you can have the opposite effect and actually dissuade people from reading because they are too confused... but I think that you can pretty much delete most of these informational paragraphs and still have an awesome story.

And the reason why I am rather insistent on this is because when you write these long novels, you want a good hook that entices the reader to read further. If there isn't that hook, it hardly entices. So, get to the action quickly and don't stop the action when it comes! Let's see more plot development here and less world creation.

Hope this helps! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Hi Deathcurrent. I just wanted to point out this.
I was getting madder by the minute

Madder isn't a word, maybe you could try angrier.
you and I may be able to survive the temperatures we can create, but the tile can’t.

I found that to be hilarious and ironic.

I hope this can help you out.
" Everybody dies. Thats just the way it is."-George from Dead Like Me




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Hello, Deathcurrent.

First of all, very intrigued from the moment I read, I’m Victoria Stake and I’m a Naiad, or a water elf in simpler terms. Good stuff.

Only thing is, I think you're prologue is unnecessary. You don't need it. The C.I.A hunting them down is kind of an info dump along with, my brother, I'm a water elf, etc.

I think, get rid of the prologue, but keep the opening line. It demands attention which is what you want your opening line to any story to do. Also, the whole prologue besides the opening line, is exposition. You don't want too much exposition cluttering the story especially the opening. Although a dire expression of the circumstances seems nice, I don't know the character yet so I'm not generally fussed that the C.I.A is trying to kill her and her friends. I have to care first.

Also, with chapter one. You've opened with current action and conflict, but then gone into telling back story.
You must give me a chance to get into the story, to care about the characters and their dilemmas, and relationships etc. and slowly dribble the back story through the whole story, not dump it on me in the opening.

Things I loved:
The name Thanos. I think you should keep it. It's not overdone if you use it uniquely.
The scythe being her weapon of choice. I love swords and knives and anything that can hack enemies in half.
Xavier, a Shadow Shifter. How cool.
Water balls freezing solid, interesting water elf powers.
And her boyfriend stuck in her head, how damn cruel would that be. lol.

Anyway, I really liked the conflict presented in this bit, as well as the characters and their unique qualities.
Hope some of what I've addressed helps. :)




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Hi Deathcurrent. Dagger Of Truth is really good. I can't wait to read the rest. I liked the different kinds of people, Fire Elf,Naiad and Shadow Shifter. Ingenious.



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare