The Dream Catcher - Prologue.

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I realise that a lot of this is rushed, but I found it really hard to get the balance between lengths. Reviews appreciated.



– PROLOGUE –
The village of Little Brookton was a simple one, isolated and small. But the villagers were never lonely, for they had each other. They were also very lucky. The trees wielded succulent fruits and the ground always produced the healthiest crops. Flowers surrounded each house, each with its own vibrant colour and wonderful aroma. Families grew steadily, and the children were taught to work on the land, and to heal with many different herbs.
Nearby, through the forest and over the cliff was The Great Mountain. It had been silent for as long as anyone could remember, even the birds stayed away from it. There was rumour that it was full of deep magic, but no one had the courage to get close enough to it to see if this was true. Many legends began to spring up surrounding the mountain and its powers. Men and women told their grandchildren of how the magic of the mountain brought good weather for their crops, and made sure that the fruit was not rotten. But they were warned not to go too close, for they were taught not to trust anything if they couldn’t understand how it thought.
For many years the villagers lived peacefully, but they could not know that their lives were about to change. One morning a young woman by the name of Alyssa walked the familiar path to the little brook that ran through the edge of the forest. It was a lovely summer’s day so she took her time, wandering aimlessly through the flowers and watching the birds up in a tree. Not noticing where she was, she moved deeper and deeper through the forest, and eventually ended up on the mountain cliff side.
She gazed up at The Great Mountain, as if in a trance, longing to go closer and explore it. Her mother had warned her against it, but she was curious, and curiosity is the downfall of even the most innocent. Just as Alyssa was about to step out onto the roped bridge that would take her to the other side of the cliff, she heard voices coming from somewhere around her. She hid behind a nearby tree, wondering who else had dared to disobey the elders and come so close to the mountain.
But as she watched, she saw not just one or two people emerge from the trees, but hundreds of men and women. They all marched in single file over the bridge to the other side of the cliff, not even looking around to where she crouched silently.
Alyssa did not understand. Who were these people and why were they going over to The Great Mountain? One by one, they vanished from sight but for the life of her she could not understand where they had gone. Forgetting all about her previous happiness she ran back to the village as fast as her legs would carry her. There, she knocked loudly on the door of every single house, calling for them to come out.
The people followed her to the centre of the village where she stood up and announced what she had seen. But they laughed at her, for nobody knew of the mountain other than themselves.
Summer turned to Autumn and the villagers soon forgot about Alyssa, for they were preparing for the harvest. They watered carefully, and tended to their crops, knowing that they would rely on them for food throughout the cold winter months. Yet one morning, three farmers woke up to harvest their fields and discovered that all the plants were gone. The land was covered in footsteps but there was no trace of anyone anywhere.
A village meeting was called, but nobody could make head nor tail of what had happened. It was decided that it must have been a particularly hungry group of rabbits, although they all knew this could not possibly be true. The next day, the same thing happened to Farmer Tim, and the next day to Farmer Bessie. Both were outraged, and resolved to camp near the fields to discover exactly what was going on.
The following morning, they rushed into the village centre, eager to tell all they had seen. Late in the night, they had stayed near the corn field, watching out for the animal that had stolen their crops when they saw twenty or so men running over to the land. They carried no tools, nothing to harvest with yet they stood around the field in a circle, and the corn began to rise.
“They all reached out to grab it and walked off with it!” Tim declared.
“Tim hid behind me!” Bessie announced proudly, “I wasn’t scared at all!” Laughter followed this statement and Tim blushed red to the roots of his hair.
“It was my idea to follow them, mind you,” Tim replied, still looking abashed. “They led us all the way to The Great Mountain and crossed over the bridge!”
A hush fell among the crowd now, and they leaned in, impatient to hear the rest of the story. “We hid in the trees, see?” Tim carried on. “That way they wouldn’t know we were watching them. They went over to the mountain, and then they disappeared! We looked as close as we could, without crossing the bridge of course, but they weren’t there.”
“Completely vanished!” Bessie put in.
“They’re evil sorcerers, filled with magic,” called out Samson, breaking the silence. There was an immediate uproar at his words.
“But what do they want from us?” asked one woman desperately.
“Are we safe?” asked another.
“Think of our children!” cried someone else. “Please, think of our children!”
“Silence!”
Everyone stopped talking immediately, looking around to see who had spoken. It was an old man, by the name of Phillip, and he was hobbling towards them out of the trees.
He halted when he reached the crowd, and stood as upright as he could manage. “We must stay far away from The Great Mountain,” he proclaimed, “for dark forces are at work there. They will not harm us; they are not strong enough. But we have not the power to do anything to stop them.”
And so the people grew even more afraid of the mountain, all that is, expect Alyssa. She had been right all along, and she wanted to learn more about these mysterious people. She went to the mountainside each day she could, in the hope of spotting some of the magicians at work.
One day, when she was hiding at the back a tree she heard a voice behind her.
“What are you doing?”
She jumped with a start, wheeling around to see who had spoken. It was a young man with short dark hair and he was staring straight at her.
“I’m… I’m just watching,” she stammered, “I didn’t mean to intrude.”
The young man smiled suddenly. “It’s alright,” he told her. “It’s nice to see someone normal for a change. What’s your name?”
“Alyssa.”
“Well Alyssa,” he grinned, “I’m Simon. Would you care to walk with me?”
After that day she met him often in the woods, and the two soon fell in love. Yet Simon was not truly free.
“I live in the mountain,” he told her worriedly. “We can never get married, or have a full life together.” But Alyssa didn’t care, for she had found the one she wanted to be with.
They spent all the time they could together, whenever Simon could escape from his duties within the mountain and it wasn’t long before Alyssa fell pregnant. The two were very happy, living as though their lives were a fairytale and Simon never wanted to return to the mountain in the evenings.
But soon his master came to learn of the love that he had for Alyssa, and was forbidden to visit her. By this time, she was very great with child and could no longer help in the fields. She was confined to the house, and grew very bored.
The day she gave birth, Simon escaped from the mountain, and joined her at her sight. Before the night was out, she had had a beautiful baby boy.
When Simon’s master came to learn of his flight, he was furious! He ordered his men to search the village and bring back the one who had disobeyed him. It was not long before they came across the house in which the three of them sat, filled with dread.
“Hide our son,” Simon pleaded. “They must not know of his existence, or they will take him too.”
Alyssa cried, but she knew that he was right, so she was forced to remain out of sight whilst the men pulled him away. She returned to the mountainside the very next morning, but it was deserted. Nobody worked outside it anymore and the air around it was silent.
Holding her son in her arms she sat down on a rock and wept, knowing she would never see Simon again. She stroked her baby’s face and whispered softly, “Joel. I will call you Joel.”
Last edited by IcyFlame on Wed Oct 26, 2011 10:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hmmm....I like it. I really like it. At first, I was a little confused because I instantly thought you got the novel and short story forum mixed up XD but no. You were telling a story. What I thought you should not have done was mention the farmers' names because I'm not sure it was necessary but if it is, than okay. But if they're not playing a big role in this, then I wouldn't really mention their names. I'm not really a fan of prologues (even though I know I tried one XD) but I think you got this. Can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep me updated and I'm glad I get to read a work of yours. I don't really remember your last work...sorry to say and you've been reviewing mine a lot so I like that I get a chance to do this. Keep writing :D
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Hey there IcyFlame!
You've created a very interesting scenario here, and there are several ways this could go.
So much happens in this piece that it was quite confusing the first time I read it through. First Alyssa ventures to the mountain, then the farmers lose their crops, then Simon shows up. Finally, she has the baby and Simon disappears. There is nothing wrong with this, but I had to read through it a couple of times before I really understood it all.
I am intrigued by Alyssa's character, particularly her curiosity and willingness to step outside the boundaries are just a couple things I like about her. I would be interested to learn more about her background.
A couple of small things I noticed:
The day she gave birth, Simon escaped from the mountain, and joined her at her sight.

At her sight? That doesn't sound right.
When Simon’s master came to learn of his flight, he was furious!

I'm not sure you need the exclamation point at the end of this, but I don't usually like to use them except in dialogue.

I look forward to reading more about Little Brookton and the people who live there.
-Alz
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

Check out my blog at http://missalliesadventures.blogspot.com




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Hey Icy, Stella here, as requested! Sorry it's taken so long, you know how it is with... life.

I. NITPICKS

The village of Little Brookton was a simple one, isolated and small.


I couldn't work out why exactly this was bugging me so much as a first line, and I think it's the word "Simple." No village is simple, everywhere has its own intricate web of drama and relationships amongst its inhabitants. The name Little Brookton suggests it's small, and I'll guess isolated too. I'd prefer if you went about showing us this rather than telling it. In some ways it sets a nice tone, but in others it just isn't working for me at all.

But they were warned not to go too close, for they were taught not to trust anything if they couldn’t understand how it thought.


Is it Mr Weasley who warns Ginny not to trust anything if you can't see where it kept its brain? I can't remember, but this has echoes of a lot of fantasy. Again, I'm on the fence about whether this is a good thing or not (Stella, you're always on the fence).

the roped bridge that would take her to the other side of the cliff,


This annoys me because a cliff only has one side. Do you mean a canyon? A ravine?

Summer turned to Autumn and the villagers soon forgot about Alyssa,


Why is autumn capitalised?

and discovered that all the plants were gone.


Gone how? Ripped up, or gone completely as if they'd never been there in the first place?

“Think of our children!” cried someone else. “Please, think of our children!”


Maud Flanders?

And so the people grew even more afraid of the mountain, all that is, expect Alyssa.


except.

II. TONE

I don't particularly have a problem with your tone overall, except that it keeps changing. At one moment you're a detached third person omniscient observer and the whole thing has a folksy, fairytale feel to it. And I like that. But then suddenyl you zoom in on one character, and the tone changes. I don't feel like when you're talking purely about Alyssa it always has the same feel, sometimes it feels as if you're truly centred around the character, and then at others you seem totally indifferent. I think if you treated her more like a character from folklore and less like a character in a novel it would fit in. But then, she is a character in a novel! So! That leaves the option of changing the tone of the rest, getting rid of the quaintness of describing the village as an entity and their general opinions on the mountain and the ouside world, and letting us see the world through Alyssa's eyes. Either way would work, but at the moment the main issue I have here is that you're switching sides too much and it's leaving your tone feeling rather, well, ragged. Like tense, choose a voice and try to stick to it.

III. OVERALL

I'm always wary of prologues, always unsure if they're going to serve a real purpose as the story draws ahead. We'll see. As I say, I enjoyed the folklore feel of this, I just think it needs a little extra work to make it great!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende