Midnight Sun: Part II

Read part I

Eternal Duel



He calls me out to battle,
To prolong our endless war.
We will fight until the end of time,
‘Til we are both no more.

This is not the first time,
Nor is it the last.
He rises in the future
From the murky past.

I remember well the first time;
He almost had me then.
I was young and helpless,
Unable to defend.

I held him off, but barely,
With cunning, not with pluck.
I had neither strength nor courage,
My escape was pure luck.

I thought him gone for good that day,
I thought he’d never return.
But I was such a fool that day;
This foe should not be spurned.

He waited with great patience,
He plotted with great care.
No longer would he warn me,
No more would he fight fair.

He waited for a weapon
With which to bring me down;
An endless Sea of Darkness
In which I would surely drown.

He lay patiently in ambush
Until his weapon was in its prime,
Then he attacked with all his strength,
I would not escape this time.

But once more I did escape,
Though his reach was far.
But I did not come out clean that time;
He left me with a scar.

I fled hard and fast from him,
Desperate to get away,
But no-one ever escapes from him;
He’ll always catch his prey.

No hole is small enough to hide,
Nowhere is left to run.
He will always find me,
Beneath the midnight sun.

Once again he waited,
‘Til my back was turned.
Then he came again in fury;
The Nightmare Man had returned.

Now he calls me to the field
Where we will shed our blood.
He brings the Sea of Darkness
To drown me in its flood.

He whispers to me softly,
But I resist his beck and call.
Until the day I have the strength
To fight him with my all.

One day I’ll finally meet him
With fire and with steel,
And give him a wound the same as mine;
One that shall never heal.

But I cannot finally kill him,
Because with his dying groan,
I realise he’s a part of me,
And his end will be my own.

Hi there. This was interesting and great. I hope you write more. Nice punchline and storyline. Keep up the good job.

Woah, I love the image you've chosen for this; it really captures the imagery you have used in the poem.
You just had a few lines that interrupted the flow of things.

Karzkin wrote:My escape was pure luck.

I think this is perhaps missing one syllable.

Karzkin wrote:I thought he’d never return.

I can't quite work out why this one sounds odd.

Karzkin wrote:In which I would surely drown.

I think this one has one too many syllables.

Karzkin wrote:The Nightmare Man had returned.

One too many again.

That's all though! Great job and a really good twist at the end. It gives the poem a lot more depth. Keep it up!

Hi. I loved this poem. It's filled with too many deep emotions. The picture gives me goose bumps. Anyway, you've written quite well. The flow is not disturbed once and your rhyming is terrific! I was completely engrossed while reading. However, there is always room for improvement so keep on writing and I'm sure you'll become a great poet someday. (You're already half way there)

Hey there Karzkin
This is my disclaimer saying that even though I'm going to be mean and pedantic, I do like this poem. It has so much atmosphere, I picture it being recited by a story-teller in a fantasy novel. No really, that image is conjured up really strongly. So yeah, I think it's really good, but you can make it better, because you are clever and you has skills.

This is not the first time,
Nor is it the last.
He rises in the future
From the murky past.

The rhythm doesn't quite balance out. I think the second line should be longer. Maybe 'Nor will it be the last.' ?

I held him off, but barely,
With cunning, not with pluck.
I had neither strength nor courage,
My escape was pure luck.

Both the last two lines are two long and it messes up the flow a bit. You need one beat less in each. Could something like this work:
'I had nor strength nor courage,
Escape was pure luck.' ?

I thought him gone for good that day,
I thought he’d never return. Am I supposed to read never as ne'er? It doesn't quite work otherwise.
But I was such a fool that day;
This foe should not be spurned.

Dodgy rhyming Can you change the last line to have something other than 'spurned' on the end? Return is a hard rhyme, maybe you should change both lines. Otherwise there are a few slightly less tentative rhymes like 'I'd lessons still to learn.' (not great, I know. Rhyming's not my thing). Can you end the last line with burn, or urn?

He waited for a weapon
With which to bring me down;
An endless Sea of Darkness
In which I would surely drown.

I know it doesn't quite fit the style of your writing, but could the 'I would' change to 'I'd'? If not, is there some other way to take a beat out of that line?

He lay patiently in ambush
Until his weapon was in its prime,
Then he attacked with all his strength,
I would not escape this time.

That second line is way too long! And I have no idea where to put the emphasis. I read it out loud and still couldn't quite get it. How about "'til his weapon reached its prime" ?

I would not escape this time.

But once more I did escape,

This reads clumsily. It's like you changed your mind after finishing that verse. You also skipped the fight scene, which makes it seem hurried. I probably wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't said 'escape' twice so close together. If you change that you can probably get away with it.

But once more I did escape,
Though his reach was far.
But I did not come out clean that time;
He left me with a scar.

Too many beats spoils the rhythm. You could lose the 'that time' and then you'd only have one beat too many.

No hole is small enough to hide,
Nowhere is left to run.
He will always find me,
Beneath the midnight sun.

Once again he waited,
‘Til my back was turned.
Then he came again in fury;
The Nightmare Man had returned.

The rhythm of the first two lines doesn't match the last two. I'd change the first ones to match the last ones.

He whispers to me softly,
But I resist his beck and call. The verse as a whole flows better without the 'But'.
Until the day I have the strength
To fight him with my all.

One day I’ll finally meet him You repeat finally, but I don't like it as much here anyway. 'One day at last I will meet him' ?
With fire and with steel,
And give him a wound the same as mine; A little on the long side. 'Inflict a wound the same as mine' ?
One that shall never heal.

But I cannot finally kill him, The rhythms funny in this line. I think it needs to lose a beat or two.
Because with his dying groan,
I realise he’s a part of me,
And his end will be my own.

If you disregard everything else I say you should definitely work on these two verses. They've got the best and most important ideas of the whole poem so you want to make sure that they read really well. I really like them already, they just need a little bit of tweaking.

Overall this is really well done! Your ideas are, of course, brilliant. I've only pointed out what I want you to fix in this review, but basically I loved everything that I didn't mention, which is most things. I hope this is helpful!

Em xx