Silk of Longing

Run, run into your house
where butterflies flap,
lose yourself to the
singing of sparrows.
But don't mind me
as I spin in your silk
and lose myself in your
imaginary arms.

Hello Dani!

First off, I would like to start off with how this imagery is rather... interesting. I love the ideology of it and the way it flows off the tongue, but subsequently, any points you tried to put across appear to be lost in that said imagery, which is strange because usually imagery is the way of making a point more valid, if not more accurate to the senses. So lets break this down a little further to see what's the problem.

Right off the bat, I noticed how very short this was. Usually when someone can accomplish something interesting with fewer lines, I give them a whole lot of credit for it, but here we just seem to have the beginning of an idea that had no follow through, as if you knew you wanted to write something beautiful but didn't know quite what to write about. And, as much as I would have loved to see more and to understand the depth of emotion you are trying to convey, the fact is I couldn't really find a rhyme or reason for any of it.

I love the feel of this, though. The way in which it made me feel as if I should be seeing something, and you give this image of someone flighty and then someone who is holding on to something that's not there. Both these aspects are ones that are rather... overdone, if you don't mind me saying. A bit on the cliche, but then again, every emotion we feel can also be felt by another so nothing is truly original. But I digress.

I really liked the last four lines as opposed to the first four which seemed off. These two, though, are by far my favourite;

But don't mind me
as I spin in your silk

It gives this underlying emotion, that this person who the narrator speaks of is silky and kind. A soft, gentle person. I like that.

Other than that, if you'd like to clarify anything with me, feel free to do so!
~Walker

Beautiful! Short. Sweet. Heart felt. I really liked your link with nature in the beginning, really introduced the punch well. I love how you hook the reader with short simple yet meaningful lines. I love your last line. I should be able to explain why, but I cannot. It just takes on a beauty and emotion of it's very own... Amazing work. You are very talented!

Hi there. I liked the poem, but I wasn't inspired by it. Meaning, I didn't absolutely love it. However, I think that your a talented enough writer and this is a good enough poem that I could be. I feel like there's this voice to the poem that you just barely brushed over. Add a little bit more to poem. You can continue in this kind of vague setting but I feel you should give us more of a story to hold on to. I think this would be absolutely brilliant if there was just a little more too it. It would make the poem more interesting, engaging, and give you a chance to explore the emotion and tone of the poem a little bit more. So in essence, I agree with the first post, and I really want it to happen!
Though of course as the writer, you have complete control over your writing and should not make any changes if you feel they ruin your poem in the slightest.

Heya!

I find that your imagery in this poem was really good and powerful. I also loved how you linked it to nature with the sparrows and butterflies and all that. So that was really good. I also liked the sheer shortness of it, how the poem was short, but with awesome imageries. I think that the fact you did that made the poem that much more better.

However (and this may just be me), I think there's more to this particular idea than what you've written so far. I also feel as though there's something deeper in the poem, that I can't quite grasp. I guess what I'm trying to say is, to me, the poem feels sort of incomplete. I feel as though there's so much more meaning and depth to the poem that I can't quite figure out. Maybe it's because of how you managed to incorporate such sweet imagery in such a short space that the imagery, rather than the meaning, was brought out more clearly. Although, please keep in mind that this is only my opinion. If you, as the writer feels that the poem is meant to be like that, then you don't have to listen to anything I say -or write rather.

Other than the fact that I feel the idea is a rather incomplete. I really liked this poem, the flow was brilliant, it had this sort of peaceful feel and atmosphere to it and I loved the imagery in there. So, good job on the poem! Keep writing!

A very lovely poem- Short, yet so painful- I wanted to run into said house.
The imagery was perfect(Or maximum great, as I don't believe in perfect.), the butterflies, the sparrows, it was beautiful to the core.
I am really impressed by how you managed to create such a lovely poem in so little words, it's an amazing gift.

The only thing out of place for me was the silk, I didn't get how it was related- but I do own the emotional spectrum of a sociopath spoon, so don't mind me.

Finally- I love this poem, it's short and painful, like a quick stab- which leaves a lingering pain- only in a good way.
Clearly poem-struck
SubjectBlue