A Job In the Market

Spoiler

This is a short piece for a contest, with a 250 word limit so bear with the brevity xD It was also a picture-prompt of a busy market alley sort of scene.

Ailiana kept her head down.

She knew the black market well, all high-vaulted ceilings strung with red strands of lights and swatches of foreign fabrics for sale. As she weaved her way in-between venders and city men careful to keep their identities secret in such a criminal place, she imagined the people around her, the eyes she couldn’t meet.

Despite having practiced, she felt a prickle at her nerves, a rock in the pit of her stomach.

“You’ve done this before,” she whispered. But it never felt so wrong before.

These people were her family, the people who had fed her, clothed her, and taught her the special skills that had her hired on in secret by some of the most powerful nobles in the city. And now she was defiling that sanctuary.

She felt the flat, cool metal slide against her sweaty calf beneath her thick skirts, and knew she had no choice. If she had an objection, she ought to have turned the offer away, let another take it.

But she needed the money and the security that came with accepting a job like this.

So she approached the broad-shouldered back of a man that stood at the stall at the very head of the alleyway, a man whose eyes sparked with pleasant recognition as he turned and looked at her approaching him with a shiny dagger clutched in her slender hand.

And he watched her as she slit his throat and disappeared back into the crowd.

A quick review before I go to bed. I won't bother with nitpicks, it was short and as far as GPS goes, there was nothing glaring. So I turn to the story itself. It's not there, yet. I'm not sure what quality the judges of the competition expect but I think you should tighten this up and I would advise changing the plot itself. The art of flash fiction lends itself to some pretty brutal editing, every word has to contribute - I'm sure you have heard it all before - but, my point is, you really don't have much room to delve into this action, this seemingly arbitrary act. I mean you try to douse it all with back story but it still doesn't provide motivation, or justification. I have no idea what the hell's going on, who is this guy? who is she for that matter?

Judges aren't after a story as much as they are after damn good writing. It's the case with any literary competition, the writing has to be so masterful and breathtaking that the judges can't deny the author respect, from there any old worn tale will do. I think you have it in you to write beautiful prose, but as it stands you have committed to the story to this act and it comes across a little contrived. Believe it or not judges want common place observations, not murder and grandiose. They want to be convinced not distracted.

So with all that been said here are my suggestions. Scrap the murder scene, murders just don't happen and if they do you need more than 250 words to justify/convince/fill the back story of one. If you must have an action, if you must do yourself the disservice of committing to a crime story that you will have to show the motivation for, make it less cliche and foreign, make it an everyday occurrence like a pick pocket. Perhaps a little girl doing her first pickpocket on a couple of bewildered tourists? Hell I don't know. When I read the prompt the first thing that sprung to mind was a scene of all the tourists interacting at the markets haggling and so on, and a beggar lying in the street. Juxtapose the wealthy westerners against the hapless bone-thin beggar. That sort of thing you can make a statement with, because the reader isn't distracted. It's realistic and touches upon a serious issue, that as a tourist through both Asia and South America, I saw a lot off, so maybe it's just me.

Like I said, I think the murder is ambitious at best, tone it down and keep the focus on the everyday happenings of the market. The character as it stands is decent and you paint a wonderful scene. Your writing at times could be a little tighter, but you will hear that a lot when dealing with flash fiction. I hope that's not too harsh and like I said it depends what the judging panel are like, in my experience strong prose trumps action invariably.

In brief, amazing descriptions but change the plot.

JP

edit: wow, just reread and realised it's the black market, oops. In any case, it only adds a slither of merit to the plot. Still change it.

hellooo

I'm better at picking on minute matters of grammar and sentence structure, so my comments on your story in general will probably be somewhat limited
I thought it was really interesting, and possibly even more so having read the above review. I would love to hear more about this market. You say it was a picture prompt - paint that picture for me with words! You can still keep the murder as part of it, but - and this is just my tired, 1:47am opinion - maybe if you're working off a picture prompt, this type of murder would go unnoticed by everyone until the seconds after it occurred? So maybe describe the area a lot more, maybe have your character make mental comments on the vast array of stuff that people want even when their government has decided they shouldn't have it, but with gentle but firm hints at her being nervous/hyper-aware that let the reader know that this is no usual black-market day... and then suddenly at the end, there's that fantastic closing line. Just a suggestion

Oh whoops I actually commented on your story *ahem* back to nitpicks xD

As she weaved her way in-between venders and city men careful to keep their identities secret in such a criminal place, she imagined the people around her, the eyes she couldn’t meet.

Maybe just "between" would work? But that's so disgustingly trivial I can't believe I'm mentioning it... it was just something I pondered when I read it.
My other thing was the "she imagined the people around her" bit. This line felt a little lost to me... I get what you're trying to say, but I think it could be punchier, more concise and more powerful. But don't ask me how I would just say think about what precisely you want to tell me, the reader, with that sentence.

Despite having practiced, she felt a prickle at her nerves, a rock in the pit of her stomach.

Tricky this one: "practice" is the noun, as in "I have to do some more piano practice", and "practise" is the verb, as in "I had practised and practised that section, but I still got it wrong." But my macbook is telling me "practise" is wrong, so maybe this is an American/English difference? (I'm English btw )

Despite what I've said, I thought you created a really interesting section, and as is you manage to explain the wheres whys hows and whos actually quite well for 250 words! Be proud

~*cottonrulz*~

I liked it very much. You truly managed- in that short paragraph- to tell a story, to create a character one can relate to, and to do it all very stylishly.
I liked the descriptions, which were written in precise length. I liked how you described how the man looked at her while she slashed his throat.
It was very unclear at times- which is right, many short stories have holes in their plot.
I thought it was excellent and liked the fact it was short- I usually don't have the patience for long stuff on the internet.
SubjectBlue.

Haha! Yay for picture prompts and flash fic, hain na? It's a struggle.>.>

So. I like the whole black market idea. Cool. The main problem is you're going for too much in too little space. It's a tight fit, yes. And in that process, try not to alienate the reader with something that goes real quick.
Although joshuapaul said the plot isn't good, I wouldn't mind it. Maybe focus more on the actual action of killing and less on the background info? Don't know if it'd work well, but you could give it a try, ja?

Ailiana kept her head down.

See, I didn't occur to me her name was this until I read it the third time. That generally means this info isn't particularly necessary, since it's flash fic. Maybe chop it off, modify your start and spend a little more on the murder?

in-between venders

vendors? Or is it a Brit/American thing?

pleasant recognition as he turned and looked at her approaching him with a shiny dagger clutched in her slender hand.

Here, you say pleasant recognition, but is it after that he notices the dagger? The pleasant would seem wrong if he already noticed the dagger, ja? This was one sentence that confused me.

But yes, a wonderful read!
(Also! One of my attempts has a murder too.Lol!)
~Lava

Hmm. Intreating story. Quite short, we know.

I am somewhat confused. You threw a lot of information about the backstory at us in a very short space of words, yet I don't know much about the character yet. So... she's an assassin. I am also confused about how she could murder someone in what seems like a busy market and get away with it.
I'd like you to expand on this. If this was a novel, I would probably keep reading. You do have a hook, I have to say. Consider being less explanatory. Let the actions of the characters show the information. She needs money and security, yes? Consider putting that in more subtly. It adds a layer of intrigue to the character.
Another thing I would suggest is describing the market a bit more. Isn't that the contest prompt? What does it smell like? What does it feel like under the characters feet?
Otherwise, you have done a pretty good job, and keep on writing