Butterflies

*edited after Kamas' review*

I saw it all, daddy,

I saw it all.

I saw the large, bearded man

dressed in an indigo overcoat,

walking stealthily, slyly,

I saw him grinning,

I saw him laughing, cackling,

though his face was not happy.

It was draconian- useless,

wasted laughter.

I saw the vapour coming from deep inside

spilling out his malevolence.

I saw the other-

in an old, worn out mauve tracksuit-

creep backwards, hesitantly.

I saw him quivering.

I saw him screaming,

I saw him begging,

his finger interlocked,

and his tears racing.

I saw the bullet soar,

And in less than a second,

Faster than I could blink,

The foot had crushed the flower.

The bullet had plunged into his chest,

Nestled there like a caterpillar

In it’s cocoon.

I saw his soul leave his body

and the other walking away

Stealthily, slowly,

just as he came,

without remorse,

without looking back.

I saw the golden leaves fall around the corpse,

noiselessly, leisurely,

neatly around him.

I saw it all, daddy,

I saw it all.

But the worst of it all, daddy,

the worst was hearing

the flutter of the butterflies’ wings

while the body remained there,

and decayed,

and the soul, high up in the sky,

joined those butterflies.

The end of this almost reminded me of a film called the diving bell and the butterfly. It's beautifully written and I like the way you've used the innocence of a child's voice to give a slightly more sinister tone to the poem. It was sad but it would have been good if you could have given the reader an indication of who these men were; even if the child is unsure himself but simply describes the men as they are seen, giving away hints the reader may pick up on if the child does not.
Good work!

I absolutely LOVE this poem!!!

Hi Mikko,

as requested, and you are my 350th review that I should have gotten ages ago.

This is less poetry then it is a inner dialogue. It's dull, evokes absolutely nothing for the reader at a lacklustre attempt to be "chilling" and "poetic" and indicate some sort of sad innocence. The language brings nothing to the table for me but letters from the alphabet and I can't visualize what the childish persona is seeing.

Let's cover some of the basics with you:

Connections

Poetry is all about associations to paint a picture, an appeal to our senses to recreate a feeling, a scene or a sound. Or a combination of all the senses to recreate a whole story. For example:

I saw the bullet soar,
then plunge into his chest.

What did the bullet look like? A knife cutting into a fig? A bird hiding in the hole of a tree? It's up to you to determine what is appropriate and what resonates with the story you're telling. Bring together different elements so you can show the reader what you want them to see, don't sit there and drone out a story and expect us to sit and listen. Showing vs. Telling, wish I'm sure you've heard before. Telling is ineffective in prose, even less so in poetry.

Language

Your words are as dull as a pencil with no lead. Give me some spice, words contribute in my ability to visualize what you're saying. It's like the difference between saying something is red, and saying it's coral or maroon. Red can be ay variety of shades with maroon and coral is much more specific and evokes certain tones and echoes to other things. Coral is a brighter red, almost pinkish and has a punchy happy note to it. It resonates with sea coral which you can follow behind with fish and things of the sort. Maroon is a darker red, almost brown. It's moody and a colour I personally connect with some low lit scene.

Be more specific, have your words help you construct the scene.

Cliches

The woes of my existence.
I'm sure you're aware what these are and have much more creative juices then to fall and write poetry involving butterflies, specifically in such an unoriginal manner.

yours,

Kamas

This is funny, Kamas just said this was his 350:th review... and guess what, it's mine too!

So, let's get to it! I want to begin with saying that even though this wasn't written in any advanced way and owes alot of flwas I still thought this was an absolutely amazing poem!

There are things to edit though! Mainly it's the structure... It's very irregular and choppy. I'd suggest you begin with dividing the text into several stanzas and since it's such a long poem I think it would work better if you added two lines to become one. Secondly, the language in this is pretty simple, and that can be okay at times, but this poem tells a story that could be so much better if it had more imagery and cretivity!

Now to the good parts! I love the way it was told through the persepective of an innocent child, even though your words are plain I still sensed alot of emotion, the frustration and sadness this child felt. It's cute somehow, how the child describe the butterfly as a "corps"... it made it sound so real.... ehm, I'm being vague now. Anyhows, I really liked that add! Finally, the ending! It was really sweet! This poem is both cute, sad, hopeful and heartwrenching all at once.

SO, overall! I love the content, it's the structure that bugs me and using a little more imagery won't hurt!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Mikko!

I really need to read your stuff more often 'cause you are such a talented writer.

This poem has so much innocence attached to it because it is about this young girl who is suddenly faced with the gripping reality of death and her childish yet honest and distinct description of the corpse is what really takes the cake here. You've executed this perfectly with such simple use of language and I love the fact that it is the girl who's trying to explain what she saw to her father - in her point-of-view and in her words.

The imagery and the clean use of similes is a nice touch. There is nothing more pleasing than to read lines like -

Mikko wrote:I saw him screaming,

I saw him begging,

his finger interlocked,

and his tears racing.

I saw the bullet soar,

I love how you've created a setting where there has already been an event that has taken place and the aftermath of it all.
What makes this truly engaging is the way you've managed to fit in the past events and have them mentioned to the reader through the eyes and words of this innocent girl. There is definitely a deep poetic mind shining in you and that will make you the most enterprising writer to have written such a great piece.

I've become a big fan of your lyrics and now an even bigger fan with your beautiful poems. The depth and meaning are profound and on the whole, it lacks no good thing. You are indeed very talented and you've proven it time and again. I don't find any places that need to be altered or removed and it's perfect the way it is.

I hope you write more wonderful works like this and that you keep on continuing. I like how your mind works and I'm getting more and more inspired. This piece is great and what's greater is the poetic genius behind this.

Thank you for sharing this brilliant poem.

Murtuza

This poem is simply captivating and beautiful. It just shows the impact a death can have on someone even if they don't know the victim. I loved it!

I love it. It's really beautiful and just like the category suggests, dramatic.

I saw it all, daddy,

I saw it all.

I like how you repeat this line again which reinforces the dramatic effect. This line is now embedded in my mind.
The descriptions are really nice too:

The foot had crushed the flower.

The bullet had plunged into his chest,

This is my favourite. A very suitable imagery. Simply genius.

I also love how you bring the description of the killer to another level where you said that he was cackling even though he was not happy. Very few would have done that.

Wonderful piece of work, keep writing!