The faded horizon I gazed upon was meshed together with a red orange flicker of the setting sun and the Pacific Ocean. The never resting sparks that bounced excitedly off every possible angle of what was left of the sun were too mesmerizing to capture in your memory. You have to see it in person to fully appreciate its beauty. I was trying to enjoy this picture perfect moment to myself, because in a short amount of time, I would be leaving the beautiful town and landscape of Little River, California.
That’s what brought me here tonight, to my cliff. Well, not my cliff, technically; I just call it that because I usually come here by myself for some time to think without being disturbed. It’s really just this massive mound of rock that sits at the end of the beach where I lived. This cliff, above all else, was my sanctuary. I didn’t need to pretend to anybody that I was happy, when I really wasn’t. It was just me, the California rocks, and the distant waves.
I would miss this place more than anyone could possibly comprehend.
The distant echo of steady footsteps against the cliff broke through my reverie like the waves washing away fresh footprints on a sandy shore. I didn’t turn to search for the source of the noise, because I knew immediately it would be Kyle, my older brother.
The shuffle of his feet grew louder as he approached me. I pretended not to hear him- anything to prolong having to leave.
Kyle sits down next to me with a soft groan of exhaustion. I had been sitting close to edge, so close that my feet could almost dangle. I looked at him, and we shared a fleeting stare. In those few seconds that I saw his eyes, I could tell that this wasn’t easy for him. This was his home as much as it was mine.
“Mindi,” He said, eyes locked on the horizon. “Dad wants us back now. He’s ready to head out.”
I pictured our beach house on the other end of the beach, and dad waiting in the driver’s seat of our ancient silver pickup truck- a vehicle so old I was afraid it wouldn’t make the trip to our new living locations in Canada. Huntston was a small town located in Southern Ontario. It was a familiar place; I’d lived there with my family until I was five years old- that’s when we moved here.
I’d tried very hard to come up with the pros of moving back...but the list was minuscule. The main item on the list, however, was that my aunt Jo –my father’s younger sister – lived on the outskirts of Huntston in the family’s old farm house. Of course, it was no longer a farm, seeing as my aunt was the least suitable person to be a farmer. She was a young and free woman who was only in her late twenties- she was like a mother-figure to me. I usually only saw her at Christmas and during the summer, but now she’d be a half hour drive away.
The only other apparent up-side to Huntston is that it’s many, many miles away from Billy Woods.
My heart fluttered as I thought of him, and then it sank into my stomach.
Billy.
Billy is the only guy that I’m convinced I’ll ever truly love. It started back when we used to build sandcastles together on the shore when we were little kids. We sat next to each other in class, and the teachers would give us trouble for talking during a lesson. We hung out all the time, and sometimes he was like a second brother. For the longest time, Billy was just my really good friend.
When we hit high school, though, something in our relationship shifted. I grew attached to Billy in a way some would describe as ‘clingy.’ We hung out almost every day after school and on weekends, to the point where we were barely apart. Before ninth grade was up, Billy asked me out on a ‘real’ date...I’m not proud to say I screwed up the entire thing...
I shook my head, clearing my head from the painful memories that flooded through me, and stood up abruptly. Kyle followed suit, but didn’t look as though he intended to walk away.
“Kyle?” I asked quietly and cautiously. Kyle was well known for his spontaneous behaviour, so I had every right to be concerned when I caught him peering over the edge of the cliff. It almost looked as though he was checking out how far of a drop it was...
I sighed in exasperation when I realized what he was up to. “Come on, Kyle. Let’s go.”
He didn’t respond at first. Finally, he turned to me and looked at me with innocently raised eyebrows. “Hey, Min, I have an idea...”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s never good, Kyle. Let’s go.” I said, reaching for his arm. He pulled away, and stepped closer to the edge.
“Since we’re leaving and all, I was thinking that we should have some fun, for old times’ sake.”
I laughed once without humour. “No. Cliff diving is not on dad’s ‘go-ahead-and-do’ list. He’d be furious and you know it.”
Kyle looked up at me with a mischievous grin. “Who says dad has to know?” He started for the edge again. My heart rate sped up and my palms began to get all clammy. I wasn’t quite the rebel like Kyle was... I was more of a daddy’s girl. It took a lot more for me to disobey dad than it did for Kyle.
Before I had time to stop him, Kyle had sprinted off the cliff, and dived head-first into the cold ocean.
“You’re an idiot!” I called after him when I finally found my voice. I looked around in a panic. What to do, what to do... It seemed that I had two choices. I could either rat Kyle out and spare myself the guilt, or take the risk and jump after him. It was, after all, my last chance to be extreme and adventurous in Little River for who knows how long. I hadn’t gone cliff diving in years; by my dad’s standards it was banned.
My internal clock ticked on as I wavered between my options. Play it safe or have some fun...
I heard Kyle laugh from the water below. That was enough to make me want to feel the same thing he was feeling. I knew dad wouldn’t be happy once he found out, and I knew it wasn’t the wise choice... but deep inside of me, I just wanted to feel alive.
My feet took off before my mind had been made up. Obviously there are risks with cliff diving (hitting your head off a rock, getting caught in the current, passing out with the impact) but I couldn’t help myself today. The little things, the things that most people would brush off, all caught up with me in that moment and pushed me closer to the edge.
Then I was airborne. My arms formed into a diving position, and I suddenly realized exactly what I was doing.
And I laughed.
Not the fake, sugar-coated laugh that I so often found myself making lately. It was a genuine laugh brought on by the bliss I felt as I was falling away from the cliff and towards the ocean below.
The water swallowed me with a sharp, bitter gulp, trapping me under its icy waves. A part of me was gasping and flailing as I tried to find the surface, while another part just wanted to be one with the undertow. I wished, for a brief moment, that it would never let me go, and I could fade away into the ocean’s amazing depth.
That’s when the cold air stings my face, and I take a loud, desperate breath. I blinked my eyes several times before I could see clearly. Kyle is already on the shore, shaking his hair out and drying off. I start towards him, treading through the icy water. It would be a blessing if I didn’t catch pneumonia.
It’s cold out, but not nearly as cold as the water- I wish I had brought an extra shirt, or a sweater, so that I didn’t have to walk all the way to our house it dripping wet clothing. I shivered as we walked.
“What do you think you’ll miss the most?” Kyle asked me, staring down at his sandy feet.
I shrugged. “I’m not sure where to begin, truthfully.” I pause to purse my lips. “The ocean, I guess. I’ll definitely miss the ocean.” Even though it was cold, dangerous, and frightening, I couldn’t imagine life without it.
“I think I’ll miss wearing summer clothes all year round.” Kyle says thoughtfully.
I rolled my eyes. “Of all the things to miss...” I smile at Kyle, but I can barely see his face. There is barely any light left coming from the sun- it had all but disappeared- and the most I can see is his silhouette and the white of his eyes, and teeth.
“It’s getting late.” He states. “Maybe we should pick up the pace.”
I agree, especially since I’m not getting any warmer. Dry clothes were sounding really good right about now. My feet lifted into a jog. I heard Kyle’s feet shuffle faster too. Soon, we were both running full speed- well, I was running full speed; if Kyle had been running full speed, I would be left in the dust, no question.
After ten solid minutes of running, the beach house came into view. Panic ran through me as I thought of dad’s reaction to our being soaking wet.
Kyle seemed to have read my mind, for he said in a calm voice, “We’ll say we went swimming. It’s believable.”
I bit my lip, hoping dearly that he was right.
*
Dad was standing behind the truck. His arms were crossed and his posture was stiff, and unmoving. That was about all I could see in the arising darkness, but I knew that if I could see his face, it wouldn’t be pleasant. Somehow, I knew that dad knew.
“Min and I were just swimming. We’ll just get dried off and changed.” Kyle quickly brushed past dad, but I saw the outline of dad’s hand touch Kyle’s shoulder. Uh oh.
“Mrs. Woods called, son.”
Mrs. Woods was Billy’s mother- she was your typically kind, and sometimes overprotective neighbor. I swallowed as I realized the obvious: The Woods’ house was no more than half a kilometer from the cliff. She would have seen everything.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Kyle couldn’t see my face, but I tossed him an angry look anyway.
“She was concerned when two children that looked suspiciously like my children dived off the cliff at the end of the beach. Please tell me it wasn’t you.”
I couldn’t help it. My guilt bank was full, and ready to burst. “OK, it was us; we did it. But we lived! That’s a good thing, right?”
I could guess that dad was rolling his eyes. “Go get changed.”
Kyle snorted. “That’s it? No reprimanding? No yelling? No threats of sending us to military school?”
Dad sighed, and when he spoke, his voice was dangerously quiet. “I expect you were both angry about moving, and randomly decided to throw yourselves off the cliff for some sort of last-minute thrill. Something to remember? I’m not happy, but I understand. Just don’t let it happen again, understand?”
We both nodded, delightfully surprised. This was completely out of character for my father; he was strict, stern, and above all else, relentlessly stubborn when it came to his rules. The way my dad thinks is very logical- he’s a doctor, and everything for him is black and white; every problem has a simple resolution and usually it’s impossible to argue him.
But who was I to question his state of possible delirium? We were off the hook.
“Oh, and Mindi?”
I swallowed. I knew it wouldn’t be this easy. “Yes?”
“Billy wanted to pass along a message.”
A chill ran through my spine and down to my toes. I couldn’t find my voice, so I waited.
“He says he’s sorry.”
My shoulders fall, and a frown forms on my lips.
Neither my dad nor my brother know what Billy would be apologizing for- and I’m glad that they do not know. It gives me peace of mind that the embarrassing incident between Billy and me was not out in the open. If anyone- even my own family- knew what had happened, I would never live it down.
I didn’t say anything, I just pushed my way to the house, which is currently empty, barren and desolate- kind of like how I feel when I think of Billy apologizing for our relationship ending.
*
The trip to Huntston was very long, somewhat boring, and barely worth mentioning. I spent most of the journey with ear plugs in, or with a book in my hands. A lot of the time, I slept... and dreamed.
One particularly disturbing nightmare didn’t want to give up.
In my dream, I am back at the top of the cliff- only instead of being with Kyle, I am with Billy. We are both standing frighteningly close to the edge, with no more than a few inches separating us. Even in my dream, being so close to Billy made me nervous.
“Mindi,” He speaks coldly, staring not at my face, but down at the waves that crash upon the rock. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” I whisper, tears building in my eyes. “For giving up on me? For hurting me?”
His voice sounds strained. “Both.”
I shake my head, sobs building up in my chest. “You’re lying.”
He looks at me then, his baby blue eyes capturing mine. “I never meant to hurt you.”
I can’t help but cry out now, embarrassed, torn and just plain angry. “Are you sure?”
He stand there for a moment, looking back at the ocean again. Then a sinister smile lurks onto his face. It was like something from a horror movie. “No. I’m not sure.”
I’m about to ask what he means by that, but before I have time to question him, or even open my mouth, his hands are on my shoulders. They are freezing, and very rough.
“Billy? What are you doing?”
He chuckles tauntingly, and his breath is near my ear. I shiver.
“Goodbye, Mindi.
Then he gives me a blunt push, causing me to lose my balance and fall forward towards the raging sea that waits to take me.
