A Boy In My Class

A boy in my class
Staring at the grass
Looking through the window
Out into the meadow

A boy in my class
Staring at my heart
Looking at my soul
Out through the hole

A boy in my class
Face pressed to the glass
Looking past me
Out at the world

A boy in my class
Tearing at my heart
Looking at all the lies
Tearing up the past

A boy in my class
Sitting on the grass
He follows me around
Looking at the ground

A boy in my class
There he is now
Staring at the glass
He looked down

He saw my face
And turned to go
Out he stepped
Out through the window

Down, down, down he goes
Out, out, out through the window
Off the edge
Out of the window

He screamed and yelled
Giggled with glee
He plummeted down, and yelled back at me
“Come, come, come fly with me”

Now looking at his heart
Pierced with glass
I wonder about him
The boy in my class

The boy in my class
Pierced with glass
He screamed and yelled
Giggled with glee
He went off the edge
No looking back
Now look at him
Now he is dead.

Woah! This was completely not what I expected when reading the title. As you started off, I thought this was going to be a poem full of cliché - the girl wanting the boy she could not have. You really turned it around at the end though, so well done! I liked your rhyming pattern too, but I think you used the word 'grass' a little too often. See if you can find a rhyme for it on rhymingdcitionary.com
Overall though, a great poem if not slightly morbid!
Keep it up
Icy

Hi there!

Wow...this is great! I was totally blown away at how this ended. Definitely not what I was expecting! Great job with adding the element of surpise. Your imagery was great throughout this whole poem. You imagery is really my favorite part of this poem. It's very descriptive and you even fit it in with the rhyme scheme. I do agree with IcyFlame about the rhyming though, I think you used grass once too many times. It's good to have a variety of words for you to choose from. It gives the poem that edge needed to be awesome.

Overall this is really great. I hope my review was helpful. Keep writing!

Geeh, this was unexpected! I like it alot though espacially these lines;

He plummeted down, and yelled back at me
“Come, come, come fly with me”

I agree with Icy and Noelle though, the word grass is used a bit to often is a pretty dull rhyme. I like your rhyming overall though, but it bugged me a bit that there was no pattern in the scheme though. At some places you rhyme with lines 1,2 and 3,4 and at other times you rhyme 1,3 and no rhymes on 2,4 and another stanza having rhymes only on the two first lines... well, you get my point ^^

Other than that I really enjoyed this read, you're a very creative writer and well... Nice job!

3½/5 icky, sticky spiders to you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi, snoopysoap! Isha here to review! ^.^

First of all, I'm going to have to say that the twist at the end of this poem was surprising and for the most part, well thought out. I clicked on it and expected it to be, as was mentioned before, full of cliche girl-wants-boy whining. This wasn't what I found, although when you strews out I was rolling my eyes and thinking, "And here we go yet again."

And, although you did a good job with te twist, the poem seemed to be missing something. It wasn't too simple, because in all honesty, I dis enjoy the simplicity of it. It obviously wasn't meant to be filled with big words, vague phrases and dark imagery. Of course, imagery was still somewhat lacking, in my opinion, especially near the end. You flat-out tell us that he died, and the last couple of lines seemed extremely bland for that reason. Show us rather than tell us, but remember to show us in a creative way. If you have any questions about this, please feel free to PM me. ^.^

Now, I want to take a second and talk about your rhyme scheme. it's very normal for me to find a rhyming poem that makes me flat-out hate the rhymes for dozens of little reasons that I won't explain here, because they aren't needed. I didn't hate the rhyme scheme you had here, but it wasn't completely enjoyable. You had the rhythm and the flow down nicely, but your word-choice was very bland. Of course, simple, bland words are the easiest to rhyme, so it's natural that you would choose to use them. However, try to explore a bit. Rhyme schemes require thought, especially a good rhyme scheme.

I invite you to play around with your word choice a little and try to keep your flow, bit make it more interesting in the process. ^.^

Overall, this is a decent poem, but it could use some tweaking. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.