Dead!

Dead!


so I made her out of leather and metal and thread,
and the man who knew too much was rifled through.
but she didn't look like my Georgia,
and the blood was dark and crusted when they arrived.
the body was gone.

the clockmaker stole the midnight toll,
and the blind trolley man rolled on without us,
top hat cocked, goggles foggy.

we stood beneath the lamplight,
a stoic pair, a dark pair.
the madman and the death of the madman,
standing side by side.

the man who knew too much is dead,
and I and my love are free
to wallow in the dampness of the night.
they will never find us alive, I and my Georgia.
her leather hand only makes me squirm.

my Georgia was an angel,
my Georgia is dead.
my Georgia was life,
her death was my death.

awaiting the trolley, we fall asleep before we hear the bells.

.

This was very sinister! I really liked it though. I'm not much of an expert on form and structure when it comes to poetry, but I think you have presented your poem really effectively. I found it hard to understand at points, but I'm not very awake at the moment. The imagery was really nicely done, and although dark, the poem was thoroughly enjoyable.
Keep up the good work!

Hi there!

This is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it! It told a good story and really had a good balance between show and tell. Your imagery is quite good and I can see everything you've described. You did a good job keeping the poem dark and I like that you added a little mystery by not mentioning anyone besides the three main people. We still don't know who this 'man who knew too much' is and why he needed to be killed. But it works well because you're leaving the reader in a sense of suspense. It makes them think even when they're done reading it.

so I made her out of leather and metal and thread,

This is really the only thing I found that I thought you should change. By starting the poem like this, it seems like there was a story before this, but there wasn't. The reader doesn't know what came before the 'so', so there's really no need to use it.

Overall this is a great poem. Keep writing!

Hello.
Just to let you know I really am not that good a poetry so sorry if it’s not a great review just thought I would let you know what I thought of it Right...here it goes, I actually really enjoyed this and I thought it would be much darker that what it is but don’t worry it’s still dark and creepy. Most of it flows well and it is well written, so good job on that.

the clockmaker stole the midnight toll,
and the blind trolley man rolled on without us,
top hat cocked, goggles foggy.

This is my favourite stanza!

Again sorry I didn’t help much.
Keep writing
Chels

Wow, this sounds like something Edgar Allen Poe would write. I like it. It seems to me that this is a story of a murder, the murder of a significant other, and the other party is so shocked that they cannot bare the thought that their loved one is gone.

I hope I got it right. Good job anyhow.