Self-Portrait

Look at it like lines,
Nothing else attached.
It’s not a nose,
Not a zit,
Or scar.
Just flecks, spots -
Lines, lines, lines.

My eraser works like
Madness on the paper;
That’s not my eye,
Or my smile,
Or chin.
Too pretty to be me -
Lies, lies, lies.

But the mirror won’t deny
What I am,
To the world at least -
Not at all pretty,
Or happy,
Or free.
The mistakes are
Mine, mine, mine.

Look at it like lines,
Madness on the paper,
To the world at least -
It’s in there somewhere,
That glint,
And shine.
Moldable clay -
Lines, lies, mine.

Hi,

I really enjoyed this. The opening lines instantly drew me in and the whole thing flows very nicely. I like "lines, lines, lines." I also like how "lies, lies, lies" echoes it. I also thought it was good how the final stanza tied everything together.

I'd change the semi-colon after "paper" to a colon to make it cleaner. I get that the repetition of "mine, mine, mine" is to fit the pattern and keep the internal rhyme of the previous two repetitions, but I don't think it works. Lines and lies work because they exist in multiple. Mine just echoes itself and sounds forces. I'd take another look at this stanza.

A pleasure.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hi there!

I really enjoyed reading this poem, it's great! Your lines really flowed well together and worked to keep the poem moving. You also have great imagery and paint a lovely picture of this whole situation. I can see the picture, an unpleased artist standing above it, madly erasing half of it.

I only really have one nitpick and it's about the last line. Through this whole poem, you have always kept the last line of a stanza to repeat a word three times. At the end though, you change to 'lines, lines, mine'. I feel like it should be something along the lines of:

lines, lines, lines...
mine.

This works better with the flow and keeps the last line repeating.

Overall this is a great poem. I hope this review helped! Keep writing!

Hello there!

I liked your poem because it's somewhat original and it has the nice concept of defining yourself through contrasts: 'not a nose, not a zit, or scar. Just flecks, spots- lines', and 'not my eye, or my smile, or chin. Too pretty to be me'. I think it keeps the emotion alive within the reader, like 'well if it's not a nose, nor a zit, nor a scar, what is it?' and then finding out there are just flecks, spots - lines. The idea itself may be that what you see is just a particular shape, but underneath it we all share the same spirit, maybe of humanity, or maybe just the undefined mass from which we form, like 'moldable clay', unknowingly?

The next stanzas are even more interesting as they define the relationship the lyric voice has with itself, with a certain note of regret and the feeling of being exposed to the world. The expression 'to the world at least' which appears in two different contexts also gives insightful connotations: first the relationship with what the mirror shows to the world and second what the portrait made of lines looks like to the world = madness. Like the contrast between a so-called objective reality and our self-image.

The only observation I might make is that to me the repetitive structures like 'Lines, lines, lines.' and 'Lies, lies, lies.' and so on seem a little artificial, breaking the natural rhythm of the poem. I know it's a kind of trend and it usually gives the poem an extra spark to catch the reader's eye and make a point, but, it might be even more surprising if you only left one word like:

Look at it like lines,
Nothing else attached.
It’s not a nose,
Not a zit,
Or scar.
Just flecks, spots -
Lines.

In my opinion it would create an original pause like a shock to the reader to really observe what he or she is reading. Or it might just sound stupid to you, in which case I'm sorry for the suggestion..

Hope you find this review somewhat useful. Sorry if it's not really what you meant while you were writing, I noticed that can happen a little often.

Dear Arwen,

I love this poem!!
You are a good writer.
If you follow the directions stated by the others:
You will be an even better writer.



-AnAmericanTeenager

I liked it greatly- it is a feeling shared by me(if I got what you're saying right)- we never manage to get ourselves properly- sometimes, we don't even know what's right and what's false.
Your poem was excellent because of the drawing the descriptions, I loved them so - 'lines, lies, mine' was undoubtedly the greatest line in the poem.
I didn't really find anything requiring correction- or rephrase.
This is an excellent poem!
SubjectBlue.

Sorry it was so short, I wish I had more to say, but it's great as it is.

Hi there, Storyweaver!

Just flecks, spots -
Lines, lines, lines.

This feels much too abrupt. I liked the rhythm in the rest of the stanza, but the last lines are like a log across a road where you can go 90 miles per hour.

That’s not my eye,
Or my smile,
Or chin.

This I like. I can't exactly say why, but there's something fantastical about it.

To the world at least -
It’s in there somewhere,

These lines don't seem much short of filler to me. "To the world at least" sounds awkward, and together they're just very vague. If you can come up with another solution for this, I'd be interested to see.

Moldable clay -
Lines, lies, mine.

This, in my opinion, is the strongest part of the poem. That's good especially because it's the ending. With stories, I believe that as long as you have a strong beginning and a strong ending, you can get away with whatever's in the middle much easier. It's probably because the beginning and the ending are paid more attention than the middle and they mean more. I like how you used the ending elements from each stanza on the very last line.


Overall, I'm not a fan of the repetition at the end of each stanza. I nearly hated it. It didn't make the poem move forward, and I'm fairly sure the effect would be much more powerful if the last lines consisted of just one "lines" or "lies" or "mine". Sometimes repetition is good and effective, but not if you have too much of it. Less is more, yeah? I do like how "lines", "lies", and "mine" kind of rhyme, though. It makes this more consistent.

Let me know if you have any questions!


Demeter
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