The Unwritten | Chapter 3

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Chapter 3 is finally out... After a long and troubling time thinking of how I should write this chapter, I finally did it. :D Oh, and I daresay that the next few chapters will be coming out rather slowly from now on because of all the studying and work I have to do... D= I will try to get the chapters done as fast as possible though.

Anyway, thanks for reading this, and I hope you enjoy this read. :D Review, please!

CHAPTER 3

It was stuffy, the place. The three walls and the iron bars had blocked Albin from getting out. He was still wearing his clothes: a dark shirt, and long, rather baggy white pants. It was made of cloth, and thus the dirt that was on it were supposedly hard to get rid off. Albin wore dark brown shoes, as well, which matched his brown spiked hair and eyes.

Funny though, it seemed, as he was the only man in that prison that wore one’s original clothes, or ‘home’ clothing. Then there was the sound of metal doors; that particular rustic sound it made when it opened and closed made Albin rush to the iron bars that blocked his way out. He tried to peek out of the cell, to spot who was it that entered the prison.

As he tried to see who entered, there was a man that was opposite his cell. The man had rather long white hair and he was wearing ragged clothing, one that everyone was wearing. The man smiled at Albin, showing perfect teeth, which was odd, as Albin thought. But he didn’t return the smile, instead he retreated back onto his bed.

No sooner did two guards - those that had opened the door - came by.

“Albin Varsity, get up.” One said, as he unlocked the iron door. The other guard came in and grabbed Albin, placing both hands behind his back, and pushed him out of the cell.

“Disgusting Seer; you’d be better off dead!” remarked the one grabbing Albin, then did a snicker. As Albin got pushed out of the cell, he saw the man again; the one in ragged clothing. This time he had a rather shocked look upon his face. Perhaps one that came about because of the ‘Seer’ problem. Though he hadn’t enough time to react to that as the guards pushed him down a long corridor that led to the exit of the prison, but to where later on was a mystery to him.

A long spiral staircase stood after where the exit was. Apparently the prison was connected to a rather large building of sorts. The staircase was, of course, narrowed by two walls at the side, making it seem as if the place he was in now had a circular shape to it. It was rather dimly lit with candles that were standing out platforms that were protruding out of the walls at specific spots. It was clear this was a design of the building.

The guards pushed Albin up the staircase, which took awhile to reach the top. There was, of course, another door at the peak of the stairs, and as the guards pushed the door open, sunlight poured in, stunning Albin for a moment. The guards led him out and Albin was greeted with a sort of cage. It was a huge wooden cage with a small seat at the front, to steer it, and it had wheels at the bottom. In front of it was a bunch of horses. Before that was a carriage, probably for the guards to sit in. They loaded Albin into the cage and went into the carriage.

One guard came out now, instead of both. He sat at the seat and grabbed the reins of the horses. Then the carriage began to move, followed by the cage. It led to a village, where many of the villagers and stopped to look. Many of the villagers were jeering, some stayed silent. A few people just seemed to walk away, as if ignoring the fact that a person was being pulled across the village in a cage.

Then the impossible happened: the earth on the ground beside the cage - it started to move. In an instant, it shot up, breaking the thick wood that was the cage. The wooden cage broke apart and collapsed. Albin staggered back, and the guard pulled on the reins, stopping the vehicle, and ran to grab Albin. The carriage stopped, and the guard in it came out, sword at the ready. The villagers were already scrambling about, scurrying to cover.

“Get off of me!” Albin shouted, he then did a sudden motion: he opened his palms, pushed it downward to the floor and pushed his bottom toward the guard, making him lose grip on Albin. Just as he did that, a group of people appeared on rooftops of the buildings that stood nearby, each of them wore a hood and a mask to cover their face.

The guard behind Albin staggered back, as if in fear. “Seers... They are here.”
Everything is so troublesome! D:.




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Hey there! Icy here to review for you!
This was a pretty short chapter, but I'll try to treat it as I would any other. I really like the name of the book, by the way.

Folius wrote:It was stuffy, the place. The three walls and the iron bars had blocked Albin from getting out. He was still wearing his clothes: a dark shirt, and long, rather baggy white pants. It was made of cloth, and thus the dirt that was on it were supposedly hard to get rid off. Albin wore dark brown shoes, as well, which matched his brown spiked hair and eyes.
First things first you need to work on the flow of your writing. These five sentences are full of description, yet all seem to follow the same structure. Try to vary it a little and I'm sure it will sound much better.

Your plotline is good, but your pacing is a little fast. One event seems to happen directly after the next and it can make the story seem rushed. Slow down the events a little, and show off your characterisation and settings. Otherwise the reader doesn't really get the chance to connect with anything that's happening.




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Your plot seems pretty good, but I agree with IcyFlame.

The viewer doesn't really have time to absorb other aspects of the story amid the quick events unfolding and the details of the setting.

I feel that your descriptions of the surroundings a little choppy and too direct. I noticed you only described the structure of the prison. Maybe add sensory details, like smell, taste, premonitions the character experiences. Add more details the reader can easily visualize.

And, I'm going to elaborate on the characterization opportunities.

When the guards try to take him, you can make him aggressive and say crude things, or eloquent insults, depending on his background instead of the common "let me go!" If you want to stick with that phrase, you could always put in his tone towards the guards. Is his voice husky or clear? Is he angry or desperate? Be creative with his insults and make them show as much of him as possible. Or you could make him curious and unafraid to ask: "Where are we going?"
Maybe afraid or timid. Your choice.

Add some more details and elaborate on the smiling old man....I don't really know what he's doing there.

This is a great start. Keep writing! Did I mention you describe the action pretty well? Good cliffhanger too.
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