What meets the eye

I once knew a guy
Who wasn’t all that met the eye
I thought he was sweet
I thought he was smart
But then it turned out he had a bad heart
I thought he was joking
I thought everything was fine
I even thought that someday I could call him mine
And then the questions came
“To get to know you better,” he said
And then I found out what kind of magazines he read
I guess I was caught up
In the idea of love
But then reality came and hit me like a club
He saw me as an object
He saw me as a tool
And as a woman, that’s just not cool
So I smacked him
And left
Even though we never were
I scraped him off like an annoying burr
We could have been, might have been, would have been
Weren’t
Because all he gave me were lies and hurt
But that is the tale of yesteryear
I’ve learned from then
What is love and what is fear
I now I know another guy
Who seems to be what meets the eye
He is sweet
He is smart
And maybe he’s the one who deserves my heart


I don't typically write poetry, so any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

AHHK!!!
I'm sorry, but that wasn't a very good poem at all. The ryhming was forced, and the rythm was atrotious. You've really got to work more on your poetry skills. Even for someone who doesn't like poetry, this is not very good.

And then I found out what kind of magazines he read

This is forced! Take out this ryhm, and all of the others if you can't handle ryhming. The ryhming also throws the rythm off. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but, hey, I'm supposed to critique it...right?

But then reality came and hit me like a club

Sheesh?!? Where do you come up with this? This is like ten times longer than some of the other lines! Does the word "rythm" mean anything to you?

Again, I was harsh, and maybe a little to so. More on the complemenary side, I do think this is a good idea. Just take out all of the ryhming, space out the lines more evenly, and you've got yourself a good poem. Better luck next time.

I dont agree lillizard- for someone who doesnt usually write poetry this is pretty good. I think the preoccupation with rhyming is the problem really; your rhythm is quite strong in the beginning but gets thrown out by trying to squeeze in a rhyming word. Poetry doesnt have to rhyme! If I were you, I'd take this whole idea and rework it in a free-style format. You might be surprised by what happens.

Hi _fallingstar_,


I've read ECGs more interesting than this.

I have no idea why you attempted to roll out your narrative in some sort of summary, but it doesn't appear to be a structural element of the piece overall.

The narrator seems upset that, as a woman, she is marginalized in man's eye.

So what?


Best,
Brad

Now, i do not usually like poetry. Some poems bring tears to my eyes out of boredom (ok, slight exaggeration, but you get the picture). This, however, i found quite interesting. As someone who does not usually write poetry, i thought this was very good. I am not going to attempt to properly criticise it though, as i can't write poetry to save my life. I did think some of the rhyming was slightly cheesey, and the rhythm was a bit off, but that's about it. It did, however, grasp my interest. As someone who obviously does not write poetry myself, i appreciate that it must have been difficult to make the transition from story writing (i assume thats what you did) to poetry, so i admire you for it. Ok, i'm babbling on here, i haven't got a clue what i'm talking about as all you die hard poetry fans can see! I will end it here, but good job!

Geez, when did critiques become so harsh? A little encouragement wouldn't go amiss, rather than just saying it's bad.
Ahem. Anyway.
I do agree that the rhyming was forced - remember that poetry doesn't need to rhyme at all, I think what is more important is the rhythm, because at the moment it doesn't flow too well in my head. The concept itself however, did hold my attention, I think if you were to build on it a little, you would get the reader's attention and make them think "girl you are right, he was a *insert insult/expletive here*!" Try focusing on a few key lines and building on those ideas. Provoke a reaction. Keep at it