Magicka

It is September 3rd, 2010, the year of modernization. No place really felt like an adventure, a place to explore wilderness, or be one with nature to Sarah Smith. Sarah is a strange girl. Not like many people. She never fits in either, because she hides this secret no one knows see, There is something special about Sarah. Things happen when she's around. It is almost like magic. Her secret that she hides from people is the fact that shes a witch. Living with her mom, Sarah will learn the capabilities of being a Witch.

Chapter 1

A new life!

It is Sarah's first day School. She is a 14 year old girl, and she is in the 8th grade. She has never been to a public school, and has always been home schooled by her mom. Sarah woke up to the noise of her alarm clock. She never thought she would ever be this excited. She took a shower using cold water, she never really liked warm water. She. then got dressed in her favorite outfit. She chose a blue tank top and a skirt that was dark red. She had brown eyes and brown hair. She got finished getting ready, and grabbed her back pack and rushed down stairs to eat her breakfast then go to school.

"Honey, I know you're excited about your first day of public school ever, but promise to be careful and safe." said Ashley.

"I'm fine mom. I think Public school will be easy." replied Sarah.

"Ok Hun, but remember one thing. NO MAGIC!" Ashley said.

"I know. I will be ok. Bye love you." replied Sarah as she walked out the door.

"Bye." said Ashley.

Sarah walked to her bus stop, thinking of all the new friends she will make. All the classes she has. Sarah made it to the bus stop. No one was there till she saw three girls walking towards her.

"So, you are the new face around here. We don't need new ugly faces at our school." said Lisa.

"Excuse me, but who are you!" replied Sarah in a rude way.

"Lisa, and you shouldn't talk back to me, or you won't survive in this school." said Lisa.

"Oh whatever!" Sarah replied, while pointing her right index finger at Lisa.

Weird sparks came out of Sarah's right index finger. The sparks hit Lisa's nose. Lisa didn't look good. Then her nose began to grow. It grew, grew and grew. It looked literally a foot long. Sarah panicking in her mind thinking,

"Crap I used magic Crap! I USED MAGIC!"

"What did you just do to my nose?" Lisa shouted.

"I swear I didn't do anything! Maybe it is just a disease!" Sarah replied quickly.

"You're a freak, and now the whole school is going to know. You did something to my nose. My fixed nose! IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT LAST YEAR! Your going to pay for it to be fixed again." pouted Lisa angrily.

Sarah upset now is trying to think of a spell to fix Lisa's nose. Sarah remembered a spell and stood behind Lisa and her friends and whispered.

"Take this long nose and rip it out, and give Lisa her fixed nose back.", and Sarah pointed her finger at Lisa. Sparks came from Sarah's finger and hit Lisa's nose. Lisa's nose began to shrink, and turned back to its normal size.

"Yay my nose is fixed! Hey freak turns out you don't owe me money anymore. It is ok you probably couldn't pay for one anyway. Your outfit describes your poor."

Sarah feeling sad and upset stood there in silence. The bus came. She hoped for the rest of school will be better.

She never fits in either, because she hides this secret no one knows see, There is something special about Sarah.

There should not be capitalized.

It is Sarah's first day School. She is a 14 year old girl, and she is in the 8th grade.

School should not be capitalized. There should be no comma before "and."

She has never been to a public school, and has always been home schooled by her mom.

Again, no comma before "and."

She never thought she would ever be this excited.

She and would could become, "she'd," and the word "ever" could be taken out.

She. then got dressed in her favorite outfit.

No period after she.

She got finished getting ready, and grabbed her back pack and rushed down stairs to eat her breakfast then go to school.

Again, no comma before "and."

"I'm fine mom. I think Public school will be easy." replied Sarah.

Public should not be capitalized.

"So, you are the new face around here. We don't need new ugly faces at our school." said Lisa.

You could take out the word "new" in this sentence.

Sarah feeling sad and upset stood there in silence. The bus came. She hoped for the rest of school will be better.

This should be changed to Sarah(comma) feeling sad and upset(comma) stood there in silence until the bus came. She hoped the rest of school would be better.

Overall, I think you did a great job. The things I listed above could really help but I still understood. It's a great story so far and I can't wait until the next chapter!

Hey Jack!
Most of your nitpicks have already been pointed out so I'll try and give you an overall impression. From what I could gather. description isn't one of your strong points. The way you introduce the chapter isn't a particularly good hook. It's annoying, because you give all the right information which is what should be done but a good beginning is exceedingly hard to write. I've tried and failed many times before.

The speed of your story is very quick, and this fast pace means the reader finds it hard to catch up. Also, you need to try to show, not tell.

What’s the difference between show and tell? Well telling is the dependence on simple description: Rose was an old woman. Showing, on the other hand, is the use of suggestive description: Rose moved slowly across the room, her stooped form propped up by a refined wooden cane gripped in a twisted, hand that was covered by lucid, liver-spotted skin.
Both showing and telling express the same information — Rose is old, but the former simply states it flat-out, and the latter doesn’t need to state it, because you can see from the description that she is elderly.
Showing is better for two main reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.
Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts (such as Rose's age) for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively.

I hope this helps, and if you want your second chapter reviewed just link on my wall!

Hi, hi! Okay so I'm not sure what the part at the beginning is? Only it's too short to be a prequel so maybe you meant fot it to be a blurb for your book? Just clear that up okay as there seems to be a lot of spoilers there, already telling us that she's a witch, and it might be more interesting to let your readers find that stuff out for themselves.

Here's a quick specific comment first!

It is Sarah's first day School. She is a 14 year old girl, and she is in the 8th grade. She has never been to a public school, and has always been home schooled by her mom. [No. If I opened a book and read these as the first sentences I would put it right back down. You have to capture the attention of your reader in the beginning, you have to draw them in and then slowly slot the boring necessities in there. We don't need to know her age yet or that she was home-schooled or what garde she is in. We want to meet her. Not hear about who she is.] Sarah woke up to the noise of her alarm clock. She never thought she would ever be this excited. She took a shower using cold water, she never really liked warm water. She. then got dressed in her favorite outfit. She chose a blue tank top and a skirt that was dark red. She had brown eyes and brown hair. She got finished getting ready, and grabbed her back pack and rushed down stairs to eat her breakfast then go to school.

Dialogue

Just a quick lesson on writing dialogue! You need to end with a comma instead, or if you do want to end with a full-stop, you need to change the tags. For example:

"I love you," said Rhys. <<<Right
"I love you." said Rhys. [<<<Wrong
"I love you." Said Rhys. [<<<Wrong
"I love you." Rhys walked toward her and held out his arms. <<<Right

Tenses

Annnd a lesson on tenses Okay so you keep moving between past and present, here's an example:

Sarah walked to her bus stop, thinking of all the new friends she will would make. All the classes she has would have. Sarah made it to the bus stop. No one was there till she saw three girls walking towards her.

Just remember that even when talking of the future, you have to follow the rules of past tense.

Overall

Okay so I think you need to slow down and describe more and try to be less predictable. Mother tells daughter not to use magic, then daughter uses magic straight away. It's too obvious. You need more to cover up the fact that she was obviously going to use magic from the moment she was told not to.

Hopefully this will help a little and feel free to pm me if you have questions!

Heather xxx