He Deserved It

Spoiler

I had #3

1:34 a.m: The dark figure entered the room.

Anger coursed through me. My fingers nearly squeezed the trigger, but I stopped in time. Barely. I had to wait. I couldn't shoot too early. He had to suffer first.

1:36 a.m: The sleeping child woke to the blade on her throat and tried, but failed, to scream.

The grown man underneath me screamed like my little girl as I carved her name into his arm.

1:36 a.m: A nine-year-old was murdered.

My wife had argued that if I did this, I was no better than him. But this murder was different. My daughter was innocent, this man was not. I would give this man the justice he was not given by the incompetent cops. I would be punished for this, by God and by the governers, but every man who does wrong deserves justice.

Hello Sassykat,

This is really intriguing. I like how you were flipping from the present to the past becasue it really shows how the character is feeling when he is hurting this man; he wants to punish him for what he did. However, some people may get confused if they can't grasp that that is what you are doing. Just a word of warning there.

I would give this man the justice he was not given by the incompetent cops.

This is a very strong sentance as it really gives an insight into how this man sees the law enforces; thinking that they have obviously done a rubbish job, to put it simpley.

The sleeping girl woke to the blade on her throat and tried and failed to scream.

This is the only part of your work that stands out as being able to become better. To keep up the strong feelings that you have already put into this piece, I would change "girl" into "child" as it shows that this man is attacking a child and not just some girl. It gives the reader a clearer picture as to what this evil man is like; and we can hate him for it much more. Also, I would change "and tried and failed to scream" into "and tried yet failed to scream" becasue I feel that you are putting to many "and"s into one place.

Apart from that this is so good. You write brilliantly . If you have any queries feel free to PM me or post something on my wall, Midnight x

1:34 a.m: The dark figure entered the room.

Everywhere else, you write in past-tense, so do the same here.

That's my only nitpick. I really liked this, short, simple, but full of emotion. You captured revenge quite well in my opinion.

Hey sassycat! I realize that you probably had limitations from the contest and everything, but reading this with no context as to what this contest was, I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to portray. It seems like three different characters are being described here, but at the same time I'm confused and I kind of think that only one character is being displayed. Anyway, it's really strange what you did here. See if you can organize it a bit better and straighten it out!

This was simply brilliant.

At first I thought it was a timeline of the events happening along with the action a character takes place at those times.

That's until I read lines two and three. For me it was clear the italics were referring to the past where the "girl" woke up while the normal font was referring to the future where someone was remembering their daughter's death.

That's when it all clicked for me and in a way you kind of told two tales of murder in just 150 words. This made the need to "justify" revenge even more apparent.

This has to be my favorite entry in the 150 words contest.