The Life's end....

The Life's End.........

The life's end...

I can see, the stars falling down,
I can visualize, the heaven's crown...

I lived my life, as I lived,
through all scenes of it.

Now I am desperate to do away,
too anxious to just quit.

Everyone has left me, from me, even sorrow shys,
Looking at the state in which I am, sure love would even cry...

As I have lost the meaning of love,
And I have shaken my hands with sorrow...

The pain of love, only those can understand,
In who's life, will come no tomorrow...

So I am leaving it all.... My life is to fall...

I can see, the stars falling down,
I can visualize, the heaven's crown...

Now there's no heart to send, and no hand to lend,
Because it's...
my life's end....

Thank you very much!!!
please criticize!! thanks!

Hi there! Pigeon here to review!
This is a really lovely piece. The general mood is captured very well and you carry of the rhyming scheme quite nicely.

The Life's End.........

Is this the title? Or the first line? If it's the title, take it out, because there's already a title at the top and it confused me. Also, never more than three full stops please. Three is an ellipsis, and more is too many.

I lived my life, as I lived,
through all scenes of it.

These lines don't really make a point. They seem to basically say "I lived my life in the way that I lived my life." You're repeating yourself and not telling us anything we don't already know. Either elaborate on the way in which the life was lived, or take these lines out.

Everyone has left me, from me, even sorrow shys,
Looking at the state in which I am, sure love would even cry...

This is a bit clumsy. It sounds like you've just tried really hard to make these lines rhyme, but as a result your phrasing is awkward. Try to re-work it a bit.

And I have shaken #FF0000 ">my hands with sorrow...

Take out the 'my'. You don't shake your hands with someone, you just shake hands with them.

So I am leaving it all#FF0000 ">.... My life is to fall#FF0000 ">...

It's not just this line, all through the poem you have these trails of full-stops everywhere. All you need is a full stop. An ellipsis on the end of every line is not adding anything.

Now there's no heart to send, and no hand to lend, #FF0000 ">love this line
Because it's... #FF0000 ">I would suggest changing "it's" to "it is", for greater impact.
my life's end....

This last verse is great. A powerful finish.


Hope this is helpful!
Keep writing!

- pigeon

Helllllllllllo~~~ Here as requested!

Okay! So, just a little note, the last part where you thanked everybody, you could put that in the spoiler. Just to make it look neat, you know?

The Life's End.........

#FF0000 ">The life's end... I doubt this is needed AGAIN.


I can see#FF0000 ">, <- Little comma not needed. the stars falling down,
I can visualize#FF0000 ">, <- Little comma not needed.the heaven's crown...

I lived my life, as I lived,
through all #FF0000 ">scenes (Scenes is good. But I'm sure something better can be placed here... of it.

#FF0000 ">Now I am desperate to do away,
too anxious to just quit. Didn't quite get this. Could just be me, anyways.

Everyone has left me, from me , even sorrow shys,
Looking at the state in which I am, sure love would even cry.#BF0000 ">.. Not needed to trail the feeling.
PS. I love this above line ^

As I have lost the meaning of love,
And I have shaken my hands with sorrow.#FF0000 ">.. What did I say above?
(Again, Love this line! ^)

The pain of love, only those can understand,
In who's life, #FF0000 ">will come no tomorrow (Tomorrow will never come?).#FF00BF ">.. Again.

#FF0000 ">So I am leaving it all.... My life is to fall... DAHH! You're structure was soo perfect, but here? :C Try:
So I'm leaving it all,
For my life is to fall. (I added a word and made 'I am' to 'I'm'


I can see#FF0000 ">, You can remove him with his other friends. the stars falling down,
I can visualize#FF0000 ">, Same for this little comma. the heaven's crown...

Now there's no heart to send, #FF0000 ">and no hand to lend (Seems a little out of place. The sentence is longer than the others in this paragraph.,
Because it's...
my life's end.#FF0000 ">... Leave it at one period.

Oh, and the last paragraph has 3 lines, others have 2. Might want to do something about that.

But, man, I love your poem!
Fix up the little mistakes and its good! ^^

Well done, Horror!
Now go write some horror poems! (<- Sorry, that was lame xD)

-JT!

Hellue, My to-be-good-friend Horror! It's Demoness

So, hi... I think this is a pretty good poem. It's got a little wobbly structure with stanzas that differ in length and size and lines that are a bit too long at times You use punctuation though, which is a good plus in my book!

The content of this piece is quite depressing and it made me sad... I think that's a good thing though, that I felt something when I read it.

I see you like the "dot-dot-dot" thing... I'm quite obsessed with it myself and use it way too much in places where it's not needed and that's sadly what I don't think it is in many parts of your poem. I think it's working in the last stanza but that you keep to one dot at the other ends.

So, got some nitpicks too;
"Now I am desperate to do away," - Here I think "go" would sound better than "do"
"Everyone has left me, from me, even sorrow shys," and here... I'm not sure "shy" can be transformed into a verb... maybe try something like "hide" instead?

Overall though, this gets a good 3½/5 spiders for good visuals, punctuation and for managing to make me feel sad!

Hope I could be of help!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Quite a hopeless tone going on here. A couple things to think about:
--the use of "..." is unnecessary and looks messy. Try to just end lines with one period.
--too many commas and unneeded pauses; read your poem aloud and see if the pauses/commas fit in their place
--try not to overuse pronouns like "I" or "me", it makes the reading more choppy. We know it is you who is speaking.
--ask yourself if those repeated stanzas bring anything more to the poem than it did the first time. if not, delete.