Creatures of the Night Prologue & Chapter 1

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Prologue
Though it was the middle of the night, the sky outside was slowly turning blood red. The moon had begun to darken, and would soon be pitch black. Annaleise Diethelm sat huddled on her bed, never having experienced a vampire attack before. Her older brother, Jakob, opened the door to her room. Annaleise jumped off the bed and followed Jakob out into the hall. Annaleise had seen paintings of swarms of vampires in their bat form, a black mass on the horizon. She pulled her cloak more tightly around herself; not from cold, but from fear.
Jakob knew just where to go. He led his eleven-year-old sister downstairs and to the cellar door. The last vampire attack was when he was a baby, so Jakob had been trained for what to do when they came—and how to fight them. After Annaleise had entered the cellar, Jakob bolted the door behind her.
Annaleise took the torch that hung from the wall just inside the cellar. She walked down the stairs and crossed the cellar to another door. This one led into the catacombs, was bolted from the inside, and the wood was infused with holy water. Annaleise put her hand on the stone wall and followed a shallow groove along the tunnels. On her left there were barrels filled with holy water. On the wall were shelves holding vials of holy water, stakes, and cloves of garlic. Annaleise squeezed the crucifix around her neck as the passed them.
When she reached the large cavern in the back of the catacombs, Annaleise took down a roll of bedding and a jug of drinking water. She wrapped a blanket around herself and began singing a lullaby her mother sang to her as a child.
“Lay your head and go to sleep,
Let yourself fall into dreams.
All the problems of today,
When you sleep, will drift away.
No more talking- not a peep.
Lay your head and go to sleep.”

Annaleise continued to repeat the song, over and over again. During the second time through, screams began to echo through the tunnels. As the screams grew softer, a hissing sound became almost deafening. Eventually both stopped altogether.
Annaleise remained in the catacombs for almost ten days, though she would know really how long. Her father found her in the cavern, nearly paralyzed from fear, and carried her back upstairs. The bodies had been removed, but nothing could get rid of the bloodstains. The stone and wood floors were rust colored; the walls covered with red splatters like someone had splashed paint on them. The entire town smelled putrid for days as mass funeral pyres took place. Jakob Diethelm, only seventeen years old, was among the bodies burned. Annaleise’s mother was among those who were simply missing—likely turned into vampires themselves. Annaleise learned for the next five years about the aftermath of vampire attacks. How everything—and everyone—changes.


Chapter One
The only sounds in the throne room were Annaleise’s nails tapping on the arm of the throne. Technically she was not supposed to sit in it until she was queen, but her father was in no shape to resume his roles as king. The man in front of her silently pleaded for mercy. The Captain of the Guard approached Annaleise.
“It was obviously justified. Perhaps a fine and send him on his way.” Annaleise shot daggers at the Captain with her eyes. He did not shrivel or even turn his gaze.
“I will tell you what is obvious: this man has no idea which cow was about to be stolen nor how his neighbor intended to steal it. What’s more, the neighbor had no living relatives so he—“ she pointed at the man kneeling on the ground—“receives the farm. Now does that look justified to you? To me it just looks like murder.”
“What, then, is to be done Your Highness?” Annaleise rolled her eyes away from the Captain. She had to balance keeping the military in control while keeping them on her side.
“Two weeks in the dungeon and the neighbor’s farm becomes palace land.” Annaleise raised her eyebrows at the Captain of her guard. He signaled to another guard in the room who marched the man to the palace dungeon. As Annaleise stepped from the throne and out of the room, the Captain fell into step with her.
“I understand that your father is not well,” he remarked.
“My father has not been well for some time. I don’t know how you just became aware of this.”
“I simply mean that it won’t be long before he will need a successor.” Annaleise nodded.
“He refuses to acknowledge how grave his condition is. That or the sickness in his head is worse than we know. I don’t think he will even declare me successor.” Annaleise stopped when they reached the hall. “What is your interest in it?”
“My interest is the same as your interest. If the King does not declare you as Queen, you will have to take it. To do so you will need the help of the military.” Annaleise could tell what was coming. The Captain would demand she share power with him; nearly make her a puppet for the soldiers’ wishes.
“The army is not being given titles. There is a reason the nobility and military have remained separate.”
“No, of course, not titles. But, you understand that in order for you to take the throne some people will need to be dealt with. And once these people are…removed, there will be lands left fallow. Now these farms will not be good for anyone without people to tend them. So, in exchange for doing what is necessary, some of the higher members of the guard will require you to give a bit back to us.”
“My father isn’t even on his deathbed and you’re speaking of dealing with some of his nobles. No, we will speak again later.” Though Annaleise’s mouth was smiling, her eyes were searching the Captain who could still switch his loyalty.
When she opened the door to the king’s chambers, Annaleise could not even see her father at first. He was sunk low in his huge chair, facing out the window. A disgusting smell of alcohol and body odor filled the room. Annaleise spun her father’s chair around, but he was out cold and was only knocked into a new position. She grimaced at the pipe nearly falling out of the king’s mouth. Grabbing it with two fingers, Annaleise crossed the room, opened the window, and chucked the pipe right into the mouth of the dragon fountain.
“What?!” Victor Diethelm growled when he started awake. “Anna, you owe me a new pipe.”
“You need to get rid of habits that will kill you,” Annaleise replied. She picked up a crate full of empty bottles and began collecting the others scattered around the room. “Don’t you ever get a maid in here?”
“Of course not! They’re scared of this room. But I would think you’d want me to kill myself so you could control Breins,” Victor spoke of the kingdom.
Annaleise scoffed. “I already do,” she stated as she dumped a jug of mead out the window. She crossed the room and opened the door. She motioned to the guard down the hall and handed him the crate. “Don’t let my father have any more alco—“
“No!” Victor shouted from inside. The guard nodded to Annaleise. “I am still king!” Annaleise took one last, pitiful look toward her father before closing the door and walking away.

Annaleise drew her sword and turned her back. She waited until the whirring behind her was just close enough, then spun and sliced the wooden bat in half. She leapt forward and stabbed the stuffed vampire. When the head went flying through the air, Christian Schwarz clapped and walked up to Annaleise.
“Did you like that, Christian?” Annaleise asked her best friend. He shrugged.
“What do think of that sword?” Christian’s father was the palace blacksmith. “I made this one myself.”
“It feels too light,” Annaleise replied, balancing the sword in one hand. “Are you sure it can stand up to a battle?”
“It’s this new method my father is developing; the sword is denser but lighter. And, obviously infused with holy water.”
“Hmm.” Annaleise circled the practice ring, fingering the rack of swords. “Want to try it out?” she asked, throwing a sword to Christian.
“I typically don’t fight with my own swords,” Christian said and circled Annaleise, “but for you I’ll make an exception.”
“Do you think I can do it?” Annaleise asked as she and Christian exchanged blows.
“What? Beat me?” Christian asked, pretending he didn’t know what she was talking about. “Of course you can. You really think you aren’t ready to be queen? You’ve been preparing for this since Jakob died.” Annaleise sighed. Most people felt that a new line should be started when King Victor died because he had no male relatives. He had all of his brothers killed before his own father died and none of his sisters had any sons. Annaleise was the direct descendant, but few sided with her.
“Just because I’m ready to be queen doesn’t mean I’m ready to take the throne.”




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Icy here to review!
I'll start with your prologue and then do a separate post for chapter one; it just helps to avoid any confusion on my part.
The thing I wanted to mention about your prologue is that while it draws the reader in you have used an awful lot of "telling" the reader what happens.
What’s the difference between show and tell? Well telling is the dependence on simple description: Rose was an old woman. Showing, on the other hand, is the use of suggestive description: Rose moved slowly across the room, her stooped form propped up by a refined wooden cane gripped in a twisted, hand that was covered by lucid, liver-spotted skin.
Both showing and telling express the same information — Rose is old, but the former simply states it flat-out, and the latter doesn’t need to state it, because you can see from the description that she is elderly.
Showing is better for two main reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.
Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts (such as Rose's age) for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively.
Does this make more sense? By using this method, you'll have improved the prologue no end.




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Chapter one
This isn't much longer than the prologue which leads me to imagin you will have to write an awful lot of chapters to get it to be the length of a full novel. Nevertheless, you got across the required information and your grammer and spelling were good. Just work on the show not tell technique and your writing skill will have improved along with your chpaters.




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Hey there, Hawk here for a review!

Okay, so overall I think you've got a pretty solid piece here. Your beginning is intriguing and has a good hook; your subsequent chapter is just as interesting and, even though I'm not a huge fan of vampires, I do want to read more. So good job! Your set-up right now is strong, which is excellent.

Something I'd like to suggest is that you slow down your narration of the action to spend some time on descriptions of the settings and characters. That doesn't mean go overboard and slow the piece down with a bunch of adjectives, however. You have to find a balance between keeping the story going and also giving the reader something to picture. For example, take Annaleise -- I have no idea what she looks like at all. Neither do I know what to picture for the Captain or the King. And that makes it difficult to really picture what's going on, since I have a vague image of...people. Give us a couple of details -- not all at once -- so that we have little bits of info to plug in to our mental pictures. For example, you could mention the color of Annaleise's hair and how it contrasts with her dress. Pepper descriptions throughout the story so we have an image.

Another suggestion would be to use dialogue tags. There were a few instances, mainly when Annaleise and the Captain were talking, that I wasn't sure who was saying what, and had to backtrack and trace the conversation to figure it out. You don't even have to use "she said, he said." Simply start the dialogue paragraph with an action from the character who's speaking.

Example: Annaleise frowned. "The army is not being given titles..." <-- This indicates more clearly that Annaleise is the one speaking, since her name came before the words. Your brain makes an automatic connection between the two.

Last thing I want to mention: Who is this Christian Schwarz fellow? He just kind of came out of nowhere and, again, I have nothing to picture about him. Is he her friend from childhood? I get the impression he's a swordsmith -- her same age? What does he look like -- just a few distinguishing features. Give us a little more on this character so that we have a bit of connection with him.

All right, that's all I've got to say. Please let me know when you post the next chapter, and feel free to ask me any questions or whatnot you may have. Keep up the good work! :D

God bless,
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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This is pretty much my first review, so..I'll try to take things slow.

First off, I like the prologue, yet I can see that it needs to get a bit deeper into the story. I understand that the prologue isnt supposed to give all information for the plot away, but readers want to become familiar with the scene, the characters, and what's going on. I couldn't imagine anyone being trapped down in a remotely dark cellar without having a small problem for a short while for the eyes, or maybe their mind. (After all, what she experienced was pretty traumatizing; though this is just a suggestion.)

For chapter one, the way you opened it up was fairly good. All I really can ask for is maybe a brief description of the man being charged, and how he could have felt like.
I like this story, it has great potential-so keep writing!
A writer, a reader, a wannabe author.



A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost