The She-King

Spoiler

My story has exactly 150 words. Enjoy! And, for those who don't know, Hatshpsut was one of only three Woman-rulers of Egypt during the New Kingdom. I'm obsessed with Ancient Egypt!

She wore a beard upon her face.

It protruded from the slender arc of her chin, overwhelmed her woman-face. Little nose, little ears, and little eyes proved a deceptive exterior for the glut of ambition stirring within her soul.

The dark, rich tang of Myrrh lingered heavily in the air.

Summoning her servant-girl with a single clap, Hatshepsut motioned for her headdress. The Khat was loose; rich scarlet in colour. A cobra curled from its rim, bearing a fiercely flared hood. The servant fitted it, thus concealing the nakedness of Hatshepsut’s scalp. It draped lazily over her tanned, elegant collarbones.

Hatshepsut stood. A sheer wrap of flax linen encircled her slim waist, skimmed her woman-hips. Her breasts were trussed tightly to her chest. The slim bindings were hidden beneath a weighty, gem-cluttered neck-piece.

Hatshepsut stood in front of a polished, full-length mirror, examined her image: the image of a She-King.

Beatiful!!

I saw no problems with this and think it is a wonderful piece. You might want to add a bit of scenery description in though. Just 2-3 sentences will do, probably. Because I wouldn't have known it was ancient Egypt if you hadn't added that Spoiler.

Great job with the descriptions Pity it can't be longer...

Keep writing Amelia,
Alzora

Hi! So, this seemed to be very nice and clearly written. There were no real mistake that I could think of to point out to you, so thumbs up on that. xD I love good grammar.

But I suppose with me being as picky as I tend to be with short stories --especially ones this short-- I sort of expect a little more from the scene and what's going on. I liked the angle you went with it though, despite my overall nitpick. You dressed up your character into a very powerful figure, and focused the spotlight onto just her. Brilliant, but still, there was just that something extra lacking in my eyes.

For one, it seemed for this short story that you were only describing this woman and the power behind her, or the power that was her. I would have liked to have gotten a glimpse into something more about her rather than simply her appearance. If you had inserted some kind of thought or peaked into her mind a little, it may have in fact made this a little more rich with depth. Otherwise, it's just seems like a description of some powerful woman. Which is not entirely a bad thing, considering you did such a nice job of it, but it is a short story I see.

Well anyway, I figure I'd give my opinion to the best of my ability. It's sort of hard when it's something so short. But I hope I did an alright job, and maybe something I said will be helpful in furthering the concept of what you have already. If not, I still really enjoyed reading what you had. Good luck with the contest!

-Smylin'

Hey Amelia!

I must say that I've never seen a short story so... short. It was exciting for me when I heard about it. I was really interested in what one could do for a 150-word short story. I must say, I am very pleased.

This story is very fresh. It's quite a strong piece, too. The femininity of this story seeps from the words. I'd say it's rather sexy. You've managed to make this such a powerful piece of womanliness and I often have trouble with doing so with my pieces (maybe because I’m a man : P). But, I found it very power and sensual, even if you're just describing what she's wearing.

A couple critiques: I slightly agree with SmylinG when I say that I wish there was a little more emotion behind this. I did get a sense of pride, though. In fact, I sensed a lot of pride. If you don't change it, it will still be an absolutely incredible piece.

I would also change "collarbones" to "collarbone". I just feel the plural form sounds a bit weird to me, and I’ve never heard it used in plural form, either.

My last critique is to change the "Hatshepsut stood" in your second-to-last paragraph. It’s repetitive to the last paragraph and was distracting to me. Maybe something along the lines of "Hatshepsut straightened" or "rose".

Other than that, I think this was absolutely unbelievable. You did such a glorious job and painted a fantastic picture of the She-King. Awesome job!

--H.

It's a good description... But it's just that. A description. Is this for a contest or something, where it needs to be 150 words? Because otherwise, I would suggest expanding this into more of an actual story, with action and dialogue and getting us into the She-King's head. What does it feel like, being in her position? Who knows that she's a woman, and how do they feel about it? What obstacles are in her way, and what does she WANT?

It's a good description. Well-written. But it's just a description. I'd like to see what else you can do with this.

Hello there! I'm here as requested!
I really admire you for being able to write a story in only 150 words. I think I'd go mad (more than usual) if I had to restrain myself that much. That being said, you've done a good job on it and it was a nice read - quite refreshing actually.
I don't have any nitpicks that haven't already been pointed out so I'm going to stop here.
I'm sorry this was a pretty useless review!
Keep up the good work

Hi Amelia
I have to say, I love this, right from "She wore a beard upon her face" to "the image of a she-king".

I loved the description. I could visualise her so well. Do things like the cobra and the red headdress have a symbolic meaning? The possible things that they could mean would it quite well with someone like her.

It's brilliant. There's not much else I can say apart from that, and I can't say anything bad either. I know 150 words is hard, but this is brilliant, especially for the word count limit.

Good luck in the competition. I think you'll do well!
Mac

Hey AmellaCogin!

You asked for a review so here I am!

This story was interesting, I like the shortness of it! I feel like some how you could put more of story into it, but I would understand how that would be hard in only 150 words. It reminded me of last years history class when no one could figure out if Hatshepsut was a woman or man. Maybe you should mention something on how she ruled to put more of a story in it. You said she was one of the three women rulers, perhaps fit that into your piece? You had an excellent vocabulary so hooray! I really did like this piece. Nice Job!

If you have an questions PM me.

-Boo

Wow, this must have slipped through. I was reading entries as they came in, and obviously now again as the judging begins. But the first time around I must have missed it because this I'm sure I would have remembered. I think for me you used too many adjectives, you were at times too floral. But, that seems to be a prevailing issue that has come from all of the pieces I have reviewed so far. And, for the most part it is good. I think the entries that didn't land somewhere upward of 135 words were wasteful so well done for landing spot on 150. The main issue I have with this is the lack of substance as far as story goes, you don't shadow the events that lead us to this point in time, nor do you foreshadow coming events, it's like looking at a still. The she-queen doesn't doubt herself or see anything that provides any insight.

It's so very subtle, the story and the idea of a she-kind as opposed to a queen, it's quite unique and you clearly have done a great deal of research for this. But it doesn't seem as though she consciously challenges gender roles, its inherent, but,
the story itself reminds us that a gender-prejudice is as old as time, but our perception of it is ephemeral, or rather, recent.So all in all I rather enjoyed this and your writing itself is very good, descriptive and lovely.

Well done and good luck!