The Fear of Climbing

Rumble, Rumble,
I could hear the rocks tumbling.
Rumble, Rumble,
Mother said it wouldn't happen.
Rumble, Rumble,
My grip tightens on the rock beside me.
Rumble Rumble,
Oh, what will happen next?

Thunk, Thunk!
I could hear the rocks land.
Thunk, Thunk!
Mother still could be wrong.
Thunk, Thunk!
I pull myself higher.
Thunk, Thunk!
Oh, what now?

Crack, Crack,
The rocks turn to pieces.
Crack,Crack,
Would we die from climbing too high?!
Crack, Crack,
No, Mother told me.
Crack, Crack,
We climb back down.

Hi,

I love your use of onomotopoeia here. It really drew me in, and the repetition of sounds builds tension. "Mother said it wouldn't happen" is ominous and the mention of her later is very effective. I love the gradual build up of hysteria, and the anti-climax at the end.

I'd get rid of "Oh" as it makes the line less intense, and I'd get rid of the exclamation mark after "Would we die from climbing too high?"

A very interesting read.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Hello!
I love the use of the different build up words in each stanza, it really gives the poem it's own signature! Also, I like that this poem is different because of its description of the journey up the waterfall and not the common description of the waterfall. Lastly I personally loved how you refered to Mother's guidance as well because it's so realistic and happens all the time Keep up the great writing!

DropsOfSummer

This was quite a funny piece. I enjoyed it for what it was, which was a light-hearted, comedic piece of poetry. I think this would make a great children's piece in the end. If you would write more of these, in different settings, you'd probably have a children's book! That's an idea, huh?

Anyway, good job! Keep on writing!

Love the tension intertwined with motherly love and trust. Gripping read from the start.

Keep writing.

Abyss.

Hi! So I think I'll start with this one. My first thoughts are that it's cute and there's some good stuff but it's a little basic. The repetition works well and like Jasmine, I really enjoyed the sound your words make and I think you built some good atmosphere. However, the imagery wasn't as strong as it could have been and the overall story/ message was lacking something. Here's a few line-by-line comments that might help you out

Rumble, Rumble,
I could hear the rocks tumbling. << Love the rhyme of rumble and tumbling.
Rumble, Rumble,
Mother said it wouldn't happen. <<< Maybe 'Mother said it would be safe' would be better?
Rumble, Rumble,
My grip tightens on the rock beside me. [color=blue]<<< You've changed tense here! Try to stick to one throughout so if you're going with past, tightens should be tightened or if present the second line should be can instead of could etc.
Rumble Rumble,
Oh, what will happen next? <<< I don't like this line as it took me out of the poem. This sounds like you speaking to your audience rather than the persona telling the story.

Thunk, Thunk!
I could hear the rocks land.
Thunk, Thunk!
Mother still could be wrong. << Not sure about the use of still here. It breaks the flow a little and I don't think it's needed.
Thunk, Thunk!
I pull myself higher.
Thunk, Thunk!
Oh, what now?

Crack, Crack,
The rocks turn to pieces. <<< Stronger language would be nice here! Turn isn't the best choice of word. Even something like crumble would be better, though that's not very violent either. Your words should reflect the atmosphere to add power to it. Maybe you could add a metaphor to describe how the rocks splinter like eggs breaking apart?
Crack,Crack,
Would we die from climbing too high?! <<< The double punctuation isn't needed and always looks messy and over dramatic, though it is a personal thing. I know some people do like them but I've never understood why.
Crack, Crack,
No, Mother told me.
Crack, Crack,
We climb back down.

The last four lines I really like as you just get some a great anti climax - it really made me smile. All in all, it was a pretty fun read but there's maybe a few things you could tweak here. Let me know if you have any questions!

Heather xxx

Haha, short, wuick, simple but cute.
It was repetative.. but not in a bad way.
You could off course add more imagery to spice it up but it's really not that necessary.
I liked it, it's not one of those poems that you dwell and cry over but it doesn't touch a topic deep enough to have the potenital to be one ever.
For what it was.. it was amazing!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

The way you used onomatopoeia here makes for a very effective piece of writing. I love the tension you've built up throughout the piece and you've really succeeded in making it unique in your own way.
It would make for a great children's poem, I really liked the climax; you delivered it in a very effective way. It can of course be improved in simple ways but I think those have all been pointed out.
Keep on writing!

Well, I am not convinced... I still don't quite understand what this is about? I thought it was just about someone climbing, but the rumble and thunk made it sound like rocks are falling. So, is it someone climbing during a rockslide? Just, figure out a better way to say whatever it is you are saying. You already have a bunch of reviews, so I won't comment on any typos or grammar errors, I'm sure someone else caught them. Another thing, I really didn't like the "oh" on the last lines of the first two stanzas. They interrupted the flow, in my opinion. I know you might have had it there for a purpose and you really like them, but it just doesn't do it for me. What else? If someone is climbing during a rockslide, they need to sound way more scared. Actually, no matter what, I think you could add some more emotion, this feels rather unfeeling to me. Anyway, hope this review helped.