The Mocking Voice

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'Ha! What can she do? She can’t even peel an onion!'
The words ring in my head. Again and again. I cover my ears, trying to shut out the sound. I can’t. 'She just sits at home, and does nothing!' 'Dad, let’s go there, it’s such a mess here.' 'No, you have to understand. It must be very hard for her. Her mother never taught her how to keep clean, to keep her shoes neatly and things like that.'
Shut up! Shut up! The tears roll down my face. The mocking voice never stops. You’re worthless, it says. What’s so good about you? You’re not pretty. You can’t cook. You’re not neat enough. Who’d ever want you? Your own family are ashamed of you! I trip and stumble down the stairs. I can’t see because of the tears. I wrench open the drawer. Do it, do it, says the voice. With shaking hands, I draw out the medicine bottle. No! I throw it on the floor. My sister loves me. My dad loves me.
The mocking voice roars in my head. Who are you lying to? Why do you think your sister never takes you anywhere with her? Don’t you remember what your father said to you? ‘You can’t perfume shit.’
He was talking about you! You are worthless, and no one can change that. You’ll never be like your sister. See how neat she is? Her room is never in a mess. She can cook. She can talk to people. Everyone loves her. No one loves you. No one really wants you. She never gets lectured. She knows how to be clean. She knows everything that you don’t.
I can’t take it anymore. I want to leave. I’m gulping down the pills, choking. I’m screaming. Yes, yes. The mocking voice approves of me. That’s right. Just leave. Go where you can’t embarrass yourself anymore. I gulp down the water. A few more pills, says the mocking voice. You don’t want to get sick or anything, you just want to go. I hesitate. 'She’s such bad luck! I think I’ll just send her to her mother.'
'But he kept me!' I cry. 'My dad loves me!'
'You can’t perfume shit.' 'You can’t perfume shit.' 'You can’t perfume shit.' I struggle one more time. He was just angry. He didn’t mean that. He loves me.
He would never tell your sister something like that. The mocking voice is back. He always makes excuses for her, never for you. Join me. Come to me. I love you, I care about you. They don’t. They don’t want you. I give in. Ten more pills. I struggle back up the stairs and fall into bed. My father comes home. He seems excited as he calls for me. A small part of me begs me to go downstairs. To tell him what happened. I can still go back. I can sort this out. He does love me. He will take me to the hospital, the doctors will help me, and I will live. And he will tell me that he really loves me and everything will be fine.

I do not go downstairs.
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.




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Wow. Good job! This story is fast-paced and moving. At the end you really want her to go downstairs and talk to her father, you're almost willing her to go. I congratulate you on a job well done!
There was only one mistake that I could find:

Priceless wrote:Your own family are ashamed of you!

This sentence would make more sense if you said: Your own family is ashamed of you, rather than are.

Good job and keep on writing!




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This is moving. It shows how every sentence a person utters can shape another person's reality. One person talking about another can move people to do anything, even suicide. The language you used was great, too, with a sort of poetic sorrow and everything. You can almost hear the character's self-depreciating voice as it mocks her into action. And you can also envision the sound of her logic, her hope, battling it back to try to save herself. But sometimes, it isn't enough. This tale is sad but tells the truthful tale of so many people. Great job.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.




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'Ha! What can she do? She can’t even peel an onion!'

The words ring in my head- again and again. I cover my ears, trying to shut out the sound- I can’t.
'She just sits at home, and does nothing!'
'Dad, let’s go there, it’s such a mess here.'
'No, you have to understand. It must be very hard for her. Her mother never taught her how to keep clean, to keep her shoes neatly and things like that.'


Shut up! Shut up! The tears roll down(If I may suggest 'on') my face. The mocking voice never stops. You’re worthless- it says- What’s so good about you? You’re not pretty, You can’t cook, You’re not neat enough- Who’d ever want you?! Your own family is ashamed of you!- I trip and stumble down the stairs, can’t(maybe- 'unable to see') see because of the tears; I wrench open the drawer- Do it, do it.- says the voice.
With shaking hands, I draw out the medicine bottle, No!- I throw it on the floor.
My sister loves me. My dad loves me.

The mocking voice roars in my head. Who are you lying to? Why do you think your sister never takes you anywhere with her? Don’t you remember what your father said to you? ‘You can’t perfume shit.’

He was talking about you! You are worthless, and no one can change that. You’ll never be like your sister. See how neat she is? Her room is never in a mess. She can cook. She can talk to people. Everyone loves her. No one loves you. No one really wants you. She never gets lectured. She knows how to be clean. She knows everything that you don’t.

I can’t take it anymore- I want to leave. I’m gulping down the pills, choking, I’m screaming. Yes, yes.- The mocking voice approves of me- That’s right. Just leave. Go where you can’t embarrass yourself anymore.
I gulp down the water. A few more pills,- says the mocking voice- You don’t want to get sick or anything, you just want to go. I hesitate- 'She’s such bad luck! I think I’ll just send her to her mother.'

'But he kept me!'- I cry- 'My dad loves me!'

'You can’t perfume shit.' 'You can’t perfume shit.' 'You can’t perfume shit.'- I struggle one more time- He was just angry- He didn’t mean that, He loves me.

He would never tell your sister something like that.- The mocking voice is back- He always makes excuses for her, never for you. Join me. Come to me. I love you, I care about you. They don’t. They don’t want you.
I give in. Ten more pills, I struggle back up the stairs and fall into bed.
My father comes home, He seems excited as he calls for me.
A small part of me begs me to go downstairs, To tell him what happened. I can still go back, I can sort this out- He does love me, He will take me to the hospital, the doctors will help me, and I will live.
And he will tell me that he really loves me and everything will be fine.

I do not go downstairs.


(clapping) I really loved it, I felt as I'm actually in the head of a depressed, teenage girl- and I'm not a very emphatic guy.
You can see the technical problems- fixed- above.
aside from that, it doesn't really needs work.
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre

"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"

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Points 7273
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This was really fast-paced, which I both liked and disliked. I wish to have gotten to know the main character a bit more. Questions like - where is her mother? how old is this girl? - rung through my mind throughout this short story. However, I still enjoyed it. It captured emotions that the character felt in a very fast, yet moving way. Your use of the quote, "You can't perfume shit." wasn't a pleasant one, but definitely an outstanding way to put things into perspective for how the character was sought out as. Your ending was straight to the point, and again fast moving, like the entire story. Good job, keep up the good work!



Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
— Elbert Hubbard