Up to Me (Chapter 1)

Bang. Bang. Bang.
Ugh! Who the heck bangs on your door that hard in the middle of the night? Seeing as my parents are away on vacation, there is no way I'm going to get out of bed and answer the door to some person in the middle of the night!
Deciding to see who is at the door, I throw off my bed covers and emerge from the warm comfort of my bed. Still half asleep, I stumble along and down the stairs.
When I reach the bottom step, I can see through the small window in my door that my next door neighbor is standing there. He looks a bit worried and eager, the opposite of my feelings right now. I still don't want to open the door, so I walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I hear a gunshot. My eyes bug out of my head, and my mind is racing. What?! A gunshot??!! This has never ever happened before! I live in a nice neighborhood! Peeking out of my window again, my neighbor is no longer there. Looking closer, I see that he's on the floor! What the heck? I open the door a crack, looking around completely to make sure there is no one with a gun nearby.
My neighbor's body is laying on the cold, hard floor of the porch with a gunshot wound through his head.
I let out a shriek that is horrifying, even to me. Quickly slamming the door, I race upstairs and sit in my bed. I'm shaking. I'm breathing in and out deeply. I feel like I'm going to pass out! What do I do?! MY NEIGHBOR IS LAYING DEAD ON MY PORCH BECAUSE HE WAS SHOT! I lock all the doors and shut all the windows. Looking out of my bedroom window that looks over the porch, I once again see the dead body. I have to do something, so I decide to grab my baseball bat and go tell his wife next door.
I never have exactly been a star athlete, but I sprint towards Mr. Jacobs's, house, his wife, and quickly hop over the white picket fence that seperates our yards. At the door, I'm about to knock, but the door is open just a crack. Mr. Jacobs must've left it open when he left to come to my house.
"Hello? Mrs. Jacobs? Can I come in? I have something INCREDIBLY important to tell you!"
No answer. Pushing the door open slowly, I walk in as quiet as I possibly can with those squeaky floors of thiers. As I take my second step, I see something white in a small, hollow place below their staircase. My first thought is ghost, but I quickly push that thought out of my head. It is making a sort of moaning noise. I quietly creep just close enough so that i can peek around the stairs.
"Mrs. Jacobs! What on earth are you doing tied up?!"
That was dumb to ask, seeing as her mouth is duck-taped shut. As a matter of fact, a long white rope is wound tightly around her entire body. The only reason I recognized her is her distinct long, blond hair with one jet black streak in it. She is quite young with striking ice blue eyes and pale white skin.
I quickly begin unwrapping the rope that bounds her. Ripping off her duck tape as quickly as possible as to insure that she endured the least amount of pain, she immediately starts talking frantically.
"Theodora! Thank God you're here! A man broke in! He was about to shoot me after I was tied up. Then, when Mark...uhh...Mr. Jacobs, I mean, came out of the bedroom, the man pushed me under the staircase. After Mr. Jacobs left, for some unknown reason, the man went after him. I heard a gunshot, but didn't want to assume the worst. Do you have any clue what happened?!"
" I am freaking out! I just say a dead man on my porch right after I heard a gunshot. Now, YOU ARE TIED UP IN YOUR OWN HOUSE! What am I going to do?! This is going to traumatize me for the rest of my life! By the way, Mr. Jacobs is the dead man on my porch!!
Burying her face in her hands, Mrs. Jacobs starts sobbing uncontrollably. Not sure how what to do , I just half-hug her. This must be terible and traumatic for her, what with her being tied up and almonst shot? Plus, her husband was shot for no reason apparent to her.Heck, it was traumatic for me. I found a dead man on my porch in the middle of the night, and then a woman tied up in her own house. What kind of night is this?
Soon after, we call the police, and they rush over. After some investigation on us and the crime scene, Mr. Jacobs body is taken, and the police told us that they will find the killer, no doubt about it.
So, now I walk the short way home, deep in thought. I wonder why Mr. Jacobs had been at my doorstep in the first place, especially in the middle of the night. That is quite strange, almost like a horror movie. I didn't know him that well at all. I know Mrs. Jacobs much better, simply because she is my former girl scout leader. And who would want to kill Mr. or Mrs. Jacobs? From what I know about Mr. Jacobs and the impressions I've gotten, he seemed nice. But I guess that could've been an act.
The unfortunate thing now was tha tI would probably spend the rest of my teenage life thinking about it, maybe even longer than that.

Bang.Bang.Bang.

Spaces m'dear. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Ugh! Who the heck bangs on your door that hard in the middle of the night? Seeing as my parents are away on vacation, I am the one who has to answer it.

Someone is banging on their door in the middle of the night, their parent's are not home, and they're going to answer it? Ballsy.

As I am about to open the door, I hear a loud noise that sounded sounds kind of like a gunshot.

You changed your tense there.

Just to make sure that my neighbor was is alright, I threw throw the door open.

here, also. Be careful with keeping the tense the same. Either the person is doing all this in the present, or they have already done it. You cannot do both.

I am a little too late apparently. All I see isMy neighbor's body is laying limp and lifeless on my porch floor. Worry fills my thoughts. I squat on the cold, hard floor where he is laying.

Also, I find it hard to believe that this person is merely worried. They should be scared shitless. Their neighbour obviously just got shot, the person with the gun is probably close by. Just a thought.

I shake him relentlessly, making sure he wasis dead.

I must go over to Mr. Jacobs wife nexdoor.

Typo I'm sure, but you may want to fix that.

It is maknig making a sort of moaning noise.

Another typo, but this is a turn-off while reading. I'm not sure if you did, but you might want to go over your work before you post it. These are easy to fix, but annoying to read.

my porch, shot in the head and chest.

I want to point out that your character said they heard a single gun shot, yet he was shot twice.

Not sure how what to do

Hm, alright. There are a lot more errors, and I strongly recommend that you go back and edit it.
Also, I found your main character a little bizarre. Not only does she open her door in the middle of the night (while being HOME ALONE, I might add), but she is hardly shaken by the fact that her neighbour was shot right outside her doorway. THEN, she goes right on next door. She doesn't appear to be very shaken when she finds her neighbour's wife tied up. She should be scared out of her mind, anybody would be. The only emotional response that made sense was when the wife cried after hearing that her husband was shot.
You have a habit of changing the tense you are using, you need to make sure that you stick to one. This story could be a good thriller of sorts, but you haven't executed it as well as you could have. The overall writing needs some improving, as does the characters. But that's what this website is for - improving your writing. Cheers mate, keep on writing.

confetti seems to have told you all about your grammar, which is good because I suck at grammar. However..

I must say when I first started reading I liked it because I sometimes think like when people bang on my door and I found it realistic so I continued reading. I like how this all seemed realistic because a lot of times with stories like this they seem unrealistic However I think you did a good job on that but maybe you could have also used a bit more detail. At first when you mentioned star athlete I wasn't sure if you meant a male or a female until she ran to her neighbors house and called her, her name.Other than that I really enjoyed reading this and would like to know where this goes if you choose to expand on this.

Heya VBall! I'll be reviewing you now .

Ugh! Who the heck bangs on your door that hard in the middle of the night? Seeing as my parents are away on vacation, there is no way I'm going to get out of bed and answer the door to some person in the middle of the night!
Deciding to see who is at the door, I throw off my bed covers and emerge from the warm comfort of my bed. Still half asleep, I stumble along and down the stairs.

You kind of contradict yourself here. You say that she isn't going to go to the door and then she goes and opens it. I also agree with confetti. Is her parents aren't home then how likely is it she's going to go and open the door. If you need it to be the middle of the night and she needs to open the door then maybe add a sentence explaining that she doesn't normally open doors in the middle of the night but the banging was just to persistant. Or something like that.

What?! A gunshot??!! This has never ever happened before! I live in a nice neighborhood!

I know it is written from her point of view but this needs to be in ittalics becasue it is her direct thought.

Looking closer, I see that he's on the floor!

Use exlimation marks sparingly - or not at all. You're choice .

I let out a shriek that is horrifying, even to me.

"I let out a horrifying shriek." Flows better, leave out the "even to me" part.

Then, when Mark...uhh...Mr. Jacobs, I mean,

If Mrs. Jacobs is in such a panic I doubt she would care about making a small mistake by calling her husband by his first name. Actually, I don't see the problem with calling him Mark unless Theodora doesn't know his first name.

By the way, Mr. Jacobs is the dead man on my porch!!

Bit harsh and unemotional

The unfortunate thing now was tha tI would probably spend the rest of my teenage life thinking about it, maybe even longer than that.

The ending doesn't pull the reader in very well and doesn't really set the story up for more chapters - ofcourse if you weren't planning that then it is a suitable ending.

Very good, I like this. Very mysterious and I like the characters - even if Theodora is a bit unemotional. Love the name aswell! PM me or post something on my wall if you have any queries, Midnight x

I like the way you started the story with a good hook, that's what got me really interested. Then, it went down hill, starting with the main character's personality. If someone was shot infront of my door I would call the police, not peak out, poke the body then go tell the man's wife...but I do understand it is your story, so keep up the writing!

DropsOfSummer

I'm pretty much with the other reviewers on this. Your main character seemed a bit devoid of emotion and therefore not a real 3D person. It made it quite unrealistic.
To improve, put yourself in these situations and work out how you would feel. That at least should help you describe how the character was feeling a little better.
Good luck!

You need to go through the story again and check grammar or just spacing errors. I think the events were good to start a story, but you need to develop the character a bit more or put the story in third person. I get the event is traumatic, but trauma heightens emotions it doesn't make a real person devoid of them. Try revising this before you write a second chapter so we have a bit more of a real person for the narrator.