Through The Eyes of a Werewolf- Ch.12

Chapter 1
Chapter 11

Something fuzzy tickled my face, disturbing me from a dreamless sleep. I groaned and rolled over, already beginning to fall back asleep. About 2 seconds later, The tickling sensation on my cheek came back. I lightly touched my left cheek, hoping it wasn't a centepede. Or even worse, A spider! All I felt was my cheek. The tickling sensation spread to my fingers and I quickly jerked my hand infront of my face. A beautiful sky-blue butterfly with sea-foam green spots on its fragile wings had latched itself onto my left pointer finger. I gasped at it in amazment. Usually butterflys were gone at the first signs of fall. My heart fluttered and sank as the butterfly rose up into the air, weaving its way through the trees. I groaned as I got up, my muscles were very stiff. I winced in pain and rubbed my calfs. After a little, I packed up my stuff.

When I walked, I thought about my mom and dad. My friends and even Angela, the girl who had always picked on me. I didn't have many friends but the ones I did have were loyal and great. I practically skipped through the forest, happy I was finally going home.

I tried to distract myself from the hunger that was currently rampaging through my stomach. If I didn't think about it then it would maybe go away and I could save all my food. I sighed and gave in. Peeling off my bookbag, I grabbed a smushed up PB&J sandwich. I wolfed down the whole thing in about 1 bite. It didn't help my hunger.
I got out an apple. Lifting my bookbag onto a shoulder, I snacked on it. I walked, snacked, and thought. When all that was left of the apple were it's "bones," I dropped it on the ground so it could be decomposed or eaten by some hungry squirells.

The bottem of my feet ached like crazy after a while of walking. I took out my blanket and flopped down on it. Not before checking the designated spot for any creepy crawlers, of course. Bugs definetely werent my favorite. I pulled out Dansi Falcon's journal and began reading. In the summary of about 5 entrys, It explained how terrified he was about what he didn't know. Like how sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of no where soaked in blood. Then how sometimes if a person angered him, over the time of the next full moon, they'd mysteriously disappear. No one ever found their full bodies, only small parts of them like a finger or sometimes a leg. I couldn't even imagine how that would feel! To know that you may have eaten someone...

I quickly stuffed everything in my bag and got up. As I was brushing myself off, I heard a shuffling sound. I froze immedietly, not daring to move a muscle. When I listened closer, it sounded like footsteps. And they were getting closer! I looked around frantically for a hiding spot only to find a fallen tree nearby. I sprinted toward it, doing a superman(Or should I say superwoman) jump, landing behind it. I pressed into the tree as much as I could. Pulling my blanket over myself, I grabbed some nearby sticks and leaves and flung them on me. Yeah, that was my poor attempt at camouflage. The footsteps were right behind me now. I could even hear whoever it was breathing! Maybe I should take a peek to see who it was... Just one. Little. Peek.

I began lifting up a tip of the blanket, slowly. So very slowly that it seemed like years had passed before I could even see out of the crack. I peered through it and everything was normal. It was silent too. Was the person already gone? But I hadn't heard them leave... The sound of a twig crackling sent my thoughts reeling. I held my breath, becoming a living statue. I crammed my eyes shut, focusing on not moving. When I was in deep need of air, I opened them. My heart caught in my throat and I became so scared that I couldn't even scream. Not even realizing it, I'd hurtled myself straight into a tree. Definetely not one of my best instincts. It was a girl around my age looking at me with a mixture of shock and fear. Her strawberry blonde hair was cut about an inch above her shoulders and her eyes were a bright lavender. Her glossed lips formed an "O" and her hands were thrown up as if she were trying to show she wasn't a threat. The smell of strawberrys drifted over, overwhelming every other smell.

"Who are you?" She whispered in a shaky voice. Who am I? I could be whoever I wanted to be... I could make up some name like Stacy Ann Brennan or Chloe Trenton. But for some reason, I chose to tell her my real name. I looked at her long and hard before replying. She could be someone who could help me get home but I can't be sure. She could be part of the Blood Fang Pack. If they exsisted.
"I'm Kamalia. Whats your name. And what're you doing here?"
"Evangelene..." She straightened up, obviously proud to be named that. "But I'd rather you call me Eve." She eyed me up and down, sizing me up. Cocking an eyebrow, she added, "And I should be the one asking you what your doing here."
I looked at her shocked. My mouth hung open but I quickly shut it, regaining myself. This definetely wasn't going as planned. Even though I never even had a plan.
"Are you running away?"
She smirked when I avoided eye contact with her. Should I tell her? "You could say that... I'm kind of actually trying to get back home"
"So your a runaway whos going back home. Had enough of the woods, I see." She stated. She didn't give me a chance to reply. "I'm just kidding. I know who you are. Well, what you are is what I should be saying."
I froze in place. Was she playing some trick on me? "What are you talking about?" My voice was a little shaky from nervousment.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about wolf," she spat at me accusingly. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing, her voice softening as she spoke. "What I mean is, if I help you get to wherever your going, will you let me... maybe, join you're pack?"

Interesting story, i wish you hadn't stopped it where you did=)but I do have some tips that i hope will help
First and for most:
'I got out an apple. Lifting my bookbag onto a shoulder, I snacked on it. I walked, snacked, and thought. When all that was left of the apple were it's "bones," a.k.a the stem and core, I dropped it on the ground so it could be decomposed or eaten by some hungry squirells.'
there are two hings very, very wrong with this paragraph. The first: you used 'snacked' twice in sentences right after each other. We, the reader, have just went from 'wow, what a great story...' to 'wait a minute, What????' It jolts us out of your story, and the dreamy attached feeling we had is now gone. Very Bad
And the other thing is that you said 'Bones", aka the stem and core.' never, ever, explain a term like that. Unless it's some magical word you made up like 'droctaacus, the spell used to create dogs' or something of the like, DO NOT EXPLAIN. We the reader are not stupid. We know what you mean by bones. And those who don't will just shrug and move on, knowing the author knows what they are talking about.

And now, onto the description. Yes, I know, lots of people comment on description, but it is very, very important.

A SHORT LESSON ON DESCRIPTION:

1. Throughout the entire first chapter, I had no idea where your character was. Yes, yes, a beautiful butterfly. Is she in her backyard, or a garden? In the end I was able to figure it out, but... it took away from the story. try something like: I lazily sat up, watching the butterfly flutter through the rooftops and out of sight. Glancing around I realized that it was later than i had expected, had I really been asleep this long? Golden sunlight poured through the spaces between the ancient trees branches and onto the shadowy forest floor, illuminating the fallen pine cone and leaves that carpeted the earth. You see how that helped?

2. Description doesn't only apply to scenery, it applies to people as well. The girl the main character met in the forest, describe her. This is very important. We, the reader, use how you describe a character to judge what their personality is going to be and how what their relationship will be with the character. Let me show you: ' The girl had short bouncy hair that gleamed gold in the light and a kind smile. Her eyes glistened playfully, as if she were laughing at a joke only she could here.' and 'Her hair was choppy, a dark hazel brown that shone dully despite the lack of light. She smiled, but it held a cruel undertone, and her eyes seemed to flash with a menacing air.' Same person, different description. Now do you see?

Hope this helped, and keep up the great work!

Here for nitpicks, because I'm just awkward

cookEmonster wrote:About two seconds later, the tickling sensation on my cheek came back.

always use words instead of numbers when you can. The only two occasions I've heard of when it's acceptable to write the digits is in the case of years e.g 2006 or house numbers e.g 34. There may be another, but I can't remember it.

cookEmonster wrote:A beautiful sky-blue butterfly with sea-foam green spots on its fragile wings had latched itself onto my left pointer finger.

Using description in your piece is great, but I think this might be overkill for just one sentence. Also, I think 'pointer finger' is also called an 'index finger' although I may be wrong.

cookEmonster wrote:When I walked, I thought about my mom and dad. My friends and even Angela, the girl who had always picked on me. I didn't have many friends but the ones I did have were loyal and great. I practically skipped through the forest, happy I was finally going home.

Expand this a little to give the reader more insight.

The whole exchange of speech was a little off too, try reading it through. It doesn't seem to flow as a normal conversation. Also, as was already mentioned it would be nice if you gave us some description of where she is. The reader can picture a certain amount but they need some guidance to help them.

Kepp using your keyboard