Let Me In

Nyarg, not my best. At all. And, from the description...
No, this does not contain any spoilers for the movie. In fact, if I hadn't said I was inspired by the movie, nobody would probably be able to tell.

Anyways, enjoy, though I don't know how. This really isn't that great.

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The cool breeze drifted through the still night air, a warm, orange glow surrounding the two. He shook his head, his cheeks flushed from the cold and tugging on his wool scarf. She smiled, her chapped lips pale but her eyes as lively as the missing sun. She zipped up her fuchsia polo jacket a bit further, resting her head on his shoulder. Her sleek black hair pooled onto his shoulders, cascading down his back, making his own sandy blond hair stand out. He sighed, blinking his vibrant blue eyes as he stared off at the black clumps that flew against the peeling picket fence.

The roar of a nearby engine broke the sweet silence as a car zoomed by down the road, water sloshing as the tires dragged on. Silence soon fell upon them once again, the only warmth coming from each other in their embrace. A few minutes passed before he raised up his arm, pulling back his navy coat sleeve and looking at his cheap watch.

With hesitance, she scooted away from him and hopped up from the concrete stairs, brushing off her denim jeans and walking down two steps at a time. He tilted his chin up and watched her leave, seeing her sway her long arms back and forth towards her car. A chill ran up his spine, but he shook it off and hoisted himself from the stairs and slammed the oak door behind him.

The speakers blared with nasally voices as he walked by, pulling his scarf off and slinging it onto the couch next to his sleeping brother. He shook the dirty snow from his boots and slid out of them, throwing his coat to the side and trudging to his bedroom.

He turned the lights off once he had dressed into his usual pajamas, shutting his blinds and drawing the curtains. He flopped onto his pale green comforter, turning off his bedside lamp and staring up at the pearl ceiling blankly.

I beg to differ. This is a good story. I like how the details are. I like the feelings in this. But you mentioned that this was from a scene in a movie called Let me in. Well, aren't you supposed to put this in the Fan Fiction area. Since this is based off a movie, you have to consider this piece as fanfiction.

Keep writing and practicing.

There's solid detail and description here. Glad to see another fan of Let Me In as well, but this really does belong in fanfic. Also, since you obviously enjoyed let me in you should watch Let the Right One In, the original film that Let Me In was a remake of, it's way better.

Hi(: I'm Sarah. First off, you say that this is based on a movie. Unlike the other reviewers I don't think this should be in fan-fic because one, there is no references to any thing in the movie. And two it's not really long enough, it doesn't have enough details that are connected to the movie to make it one. Like you said, if you hadn't mentioned it we wouldn't have known because it doesn't seem like a fan-fic.

The cool breeze drifted through the still night air, a warm, orange glow surrounding the two.

I'm confused already. Where is the light coming from if it's nighttime? I'm assuming it's a light but I don't know that for sure. Also, this sentence reads strangely. Read it out loud. It doesn't really make sense. And the two what? Aliens? Otters? We don't know what we are reading about. The first line should pull the reader in, not confuse them.

He sighed, blinking his vibrant blue eyes as he stared off at the black clumps that flew against the peeling picket fence.

I'm still not sure where they are. Most of the time by the end of the first paragraph you get a general idea of the setting. Or at least a tiny hint. This doesn't tell us anything and just makes me ask more questions that you don't answer later. What black clumps? At first I thought you meant that black paint was coming off of the fence, but picket fences are white and that's not what it's saying. So I don't know what you mean or what he is looking at.

A few minutes passed before he raised up his arm, pulling back his navy coat sleeve and looking at his cheap watch.

If there is one thing I've learned from the reviews of my novel, it's that details need to be important when they are that specific. They need to add something to the story, not just tell us that what color every single thing is. You don't have to color everything. Plus it's dark so the last thing I'm thinking about is the color of a coat. I want to know why they are outside, on the side of the road at night.

With hesitance, she scooted away from him and hopped up from the concrete stairs,

Just say "Hesitantly she..." It is easier to read that way. When did they get on stairs??? See, I know absolutely nothing about the setting so this is a huge surprise to me. You should mention that earlier so the reader isn't so bewildered when it comes up.

A chill ran up his spine, but he shook it off and hoisted himself from the stairs and slammed the oak door behind him.

Huh? I thought they were on the side of a road, not on a porch. You really need to make it clear where they are.

The speakers blared with nasally voices as he walked by, pulling his scarf off and slinging it onto the couch next to his sleeping brother.

What speakers? Did he put in headphones? You can't just have characters do random things and not explain what they are doing. You are telling a story, leaving out little details that affect the character won't work.

Overall:
I was thoroughly confused. I'm sorry, but I was. I wasn't sure where they were at first or what they were doing, then when I thought I figured it out I was wrong and none of it made sense when they weren't where I thought they were. The details are important but how relevant they are is important too. Think of what you story is about and then think about what you readers will want to know. Add those details in, not the colors of their coats.

You need to focus on setting more too, the details of the setting can be interesting if you don't go overboard and will help with characterization and plot. Where they are will tell us about them. But we also need to know why they are there. Throughout this nothing happened at all. I know it was short but they were just sitting in a place that the reader has no idea about for some unknown reason. Why are they there? How did they get there? What has happened to them?

PM me if you have any questions or concerns. I hope this helps and wasn't too harsh.
~peanut~