Crying Softly

Because I was crying, crying softly
While you sang for one last time
You stood in front of us
And shared your feelings with the world.
So now we were crying, crying softly
When you said you had to leave,
When you said good-bye for one last time.
We all were crying, crying softly
While you loaded up the car
And started walking out the door
But when you drove away, and waved good-bye
You left me crying, crying softly
Wishing you had stayed.
But in the car you let go one single tear
'Cause you saw me crying, crying softly
Because I was left behind.

I really love this what inspired you to write this. It is so good it is going to make me cry. So keep up all the goodness you have going on I will surly add you and become your friend because you have some goodness on you to write. I will not go into anything else but saying that '' you are so cool I love your pieces. and most of all where did you get and idea to write this it is so good. ) )

This was beautiful. You've emphasized the sadness through the repetition of the words "crying, crying softly". You couldn't have really used any synonym for crying cuz if you used sobbing as an example, it wouldn't work because you cannot sob softly anyways, this really was beautiful to read and the story was something I found to be very sad - you expressed your feeling well which is what poetry is all about! well done xxx

"Because I was crying, crying softly
While you sang for one last time
You stood in front of us
And shared your feelings with the world.
So now we were crying, crying softly
When you said you had to leave,
When you said good-bye for one last time.
We all were crying, crying softly
While you loaded up the car
And started walking out the door
But when you drove away, and waved good-bye
You left me crying, crying softly
Wishing you had stayed.
But in the car you let go one single tear
'Cause you saw me crying, crying softly
Because I was left behind."

All though some structure issues- I'm not gonna make nitpicks as it was great as it is.
I know it's really hard to lose a friend- and that poem reminded me of that feeling, it's such a sad poem.
I admire you for writing it- I can guess how painful it was.

My favorite part was most definitely the end- it was a genius ending- one suggestion, though, get rid of the final line- I think that: ''Cause you saw me crying, crying softly.' Would make a lot more powerful ending- but that's just me...

Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.

Hi there!

My comments are in red:

Wranna wrote:Because I was crying, crying softly With the word 'beacause' at the beginning here it gives us the impression that there was more before this. But since there wasn't, you should take out that word.
While you sang for one last time
You stood in front of us
And shared your feelings with the world.
So now we were all crying, crying softly
When you said you had to leave,
When you said good-bye for one last time. Great emotion in these past few lines. Sure you're just saying that you guys are crying, but it's so powerful. Good job!
We all were crying, crying softly I like the variation you used with this repetition. You have a line like this every few lines, but it's not exactly the same each time.
While you loaded up the car
And started walking out the door
But when you drove away, and waved good-bye I feel like you jumped way ahead here. They just started walking out the door, not even to their car yet, and then they're driving away. See what I mean? It seems a tad rushed.
You left me crying, crying softly
Wishing you had stayed.
But in the car you let go one single tear
'Cause you saw me crying, crying softly
Because I was left behind.

I know exactly how you feel, except my situation is kind of the opposite. I'm the one going off to college and I'm the one leaving behind my friends.

Overall this is a good poem. I hope I didn't sound harsh! Keep writing!

Hi Wranna! Welcome to the YWS!

Because I was crying, crying softly
While you sang for one last time

What does the "because" belong with? Because there's a reason, there must be a consequence -- so what's the consequence here?

You stood in front of us
And shared your feelings with the world.

I think "shared your feelings with the world" is slightly too vague and uninteresting way of expressing this. It sounds like something that's supposed to be very emotional, but I can't feel the emotion myself right now, even though I'd like to.

So now we were crying, crying softly
When you said you had to leave,
When you said good-bye for one last time.

Repetition works as a good effect at times, but here I don't think "one last time" sounds that good, because you already used it a few lines back.

But in the car you let go one single tear
'Cause you saw me crying, crying softly
Because I was left behind.

This is quite a nice ending, because I like the fact that whoever the "you" may be is also crying, not just the speaker, which adds a little depth to it, don't you think?


Overall, I'm not sure if I like the nearly-excessive repetition of "crying, crying softly". It's practically the only thing that tells us the speaker is feeling sad, and since we already associate crying with sadness, it leaves the poem quite predictable. Have you heard of "show, not tell"? Telling: "He was sad." Showing: "He was crying." You see you already do the showing, but you should show some more. What else do we do when we're sad? What do we say? How do we act? It might be nice if you thought about that and added a little spunk to this poem through it.

I hope this helped, and let me know whenever you'd like an opinion on something you post!


Demeter
x

Good job I really liked it! It was deep and emoitonal Keep up the good work

Awe!! It's so sad and emotional and makes me want to cry. It almost sounds like your friend is dying! Seriously, how in the world can you make it sound so horrifying! My sister leaves in a year for college, now I don't want her to go... I'm curious though, it seems like you are writing about a really good friend, I mean, why else would their leaving make you cry? Yet, if they are such a close friend, won't you see them after they're gone? I mean, it will be different, and they'll be busy, but it isn't the end of the world. Your poem makes it sound like it is. Just a though.
I didn't notice anything wrong with the poem, so I have not much of a review, sorry. But, good job with the emotion and all. It's a very nice poem.

You ringed a bell. Phew! It kind of reminds me of my good ole school days.

I really liked the simplicity in your poem, and that's a hard thing - to be descriptive and simple at the same time. Yeah that is.... I must say that its a good poem. Keep observing the world around you and keep writing,

the emotion in the peom is really good and the fact you repeat 'crying softly' is a good effect and makes the poem all the better. good job.

This was very, very good. So deep, emotional, and sad. But sad in a good way. I really have no other comments or nitpicks other than to say that I did love this. Please, please keep it up!!