Head, Heart, and Soul

My soul walks a path uncharted,
A road never finished once started,
Up to the gates unguarded.
This is my path uncharted.

My heart plays a game with no rules.
It wins when it plays against fools,
But it loses in hand-to-heart duels.
So continues the game without rules.

My head watches both in disgust.
Thinking ahead, for it, is a must.
It hates paths that change with a gust,
And love that can crumble to dust.

Hm.

So, I have to say that this was a good poem, but parts of it were somewhat hard to follow. You have an interesting subject matter and some of the imagery is wonderful despite being simple; I don't know if this is just me, but parts of it remind me of a sort of fantasy/dystopian video game.

I will have to say that I'm not a fan of the rhyme scheme. Sure, rhyming can work in some poetry but here it just feels like you're focusing too much on style and not allowing yourself to build detail about character and world. Take your second stanza, for instance;

My heart plays a game with no rules.
It wins when it plays against fools,
But it loses in hand-to-heart duels.
So continues the game without rules.

What sort of game? I understand that this is a metaphor, but please, elaborate. What feelings are you trying to get across. What constitutes winning and losing?

If I were you, I would try writing the revision of this in free verse so you can really get across what you want to say. If you find that you're confident with that, go back and try to make it rhyme.

Hope this helps, and good luck with your revisions -- shoot me a pm if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

Allow me to start by saying that I absolutely adore your rhyme scheme! As Elinor said, it doesn't work as well as a free-style would, but it's still nice that you gave it a shot.

In the first stanza, I like how you implied that there is no predestination set for your soul.

In the second stanza, I find it interesting how you say that your emotions don't overly control you. That's something that everyone needs to learn.

For the third, the first line was my favorite in the whole poem.

Overall, it's pretty great how you gave your Head, Heart, and Soul differently personalities and personified them. Very nicely done.

Love it! That was really good, and I loved how you made it rhyme. I think poems are best when they rhyme. My only question is what exactly this poem is about. I get an idea, but not an exact answer. Other then that, at the end, you used "it" and I think you are refering to the game, but, like I said, I'm not sure.

My head watches both in disgust.
Thinking ahead, for it, is a must.
It hates paths that change with a gust,
And love that can crumble to dust.

Other than those, I loved it! Good idea!

My soul walks a path uncharted,
A road never finished once started,
Up to the gates unguarded.
This is my path uncharted.

My heart plays a game with no rules.
It wins when it plays against fools,
But it loses in hand-to-heart duels.
So continues the game without rules.

My head watches both in disgust.
Thinking ahead, for it, is a must.
It hates paths that change with a gust,
And love that can crumble to dust.

Very nicely well written...goodjob!!!

I really liked it. I like the first stanza, how you connected a secret path to your soul. Maybe suggesting that no one really can get there. I liked it all. I mean I really liked it all. It was just beautiful. And please, please don't listen to other people about this poem. It was perfect and I honestly liked it. A LOT. It was lovely and just.. thought out... perfect!
Ps- if you need any more critiquing or anything just message me!
-Hayley

Hello there!

This is a clever little poem, I must say! I am rather terrible at rhyme myself, so I'm impressed you can pull it off somewhat. That said, I think you're being a little stilted in your lines because of the confines of the rhyme. I wouldn't suggest that you throw the rhyme away, rather that you fiddle around with your word usage until you find a little more comfortable setting.

I like how you've played out the war between the three key elements of being. Particularly in relation to love. Love's a fool's game, they say, and you've pressed that onto us very nicely here. If you really wanted to, you could easily expand this and enter some more clarifying events, playing more with the metaphors and with the drama this could have. Otherwise, I would just try and muck about with that word usage and try and get a more regular, realistic voice for your narrator. At the moment, the poem is reading slowly, like it's clotting at the end of each line. Which will only work for some aspects of the poem.

My final suggestion is in regard of punctuation: Shift your lines up until they're in a paragraph. Once they're there, punctuate as though you would a normal sentence, periods and commas and the like. Then cut back down to short lines. You should then have a nicely punctuated poem which will help with flow and ease of reading.

Again, this is a sweet poem. Please let me know if you do anything to it!
~ Penguin.