When Will It End?

Fingers shattered and legs covered with scars
Faces dripping with spots and surrounded with marks
I can hear the slight thumps pulsing in my heart
Question is- when will it end?

The nights that wane on forever it seems
The look in her eyes as she shines and as she gleams
Rituals performed to support their needs
I want to know- when will it end?

She says she loves me but that's not a fact
I know it is something all human beings lacked
Laughing into the fire with our dignity intact
Left to ask- when will it end?

The world is on the cusp of censored morale
The lands of freedom are forced to go on
Yet I have no intention to want to move on
My head's in a daze- when will it end?

Yet the pact that was made many years ago
Do not reflect something we wanted to show
Instead we present ourselves more as a foe
Question is- how soon will it end?

I liked it a lot, the name fits perfectly, as a title and as a returning line.
There were some problems here and there, like misfit rhyming or forced rhyming, which is weird- you should either force rhymes completely or not at all, or else you achieved nothing.
I also think that 'When will it all end' could work a little better weight-wise
but on the bottom line(literally) I really liked it, and expect to see more stuff of yours soon

567ajt wrote:The look in her eyes as she shines and as she gleams

Possibly change this to
The look in her eyes as she shines, as she gleams
because it's a little too wordy as is.
Or
The look in her eyes as she shines and gleams
Just knock of a word or two somehow.

567ajt wrote:I know it is something all human beings lacked

I don't like this line much, but the next line is so beautiful that it saves it and makes the whole stanza wonderful.
Besides that, you did another great job. I really like your rhyming poetry; most poems I see that rhyme my advice is usually that the person stop rhyming but you really seem to have a grasp on making the rhymes beautiful and the poem meaningful.
Wonderful, keep posting poems.
Meagan

Hi There! I don't have a lot of time, but I really liked this and I want to get in a review. So here it goes! My comment and suggestions will be in blue and suggested corrections will be in red.

Fingers shattered and legs covered with scars
Faces dripping with spots and surrounded with marks
I can hear the slight thumps pulsing in my heart Fantastic imagery in the first stanza!
Question is- when will it end?

The nights, they that wane on forever it seems
The look in her eyes as she shines and as she gleams I think by saying "as she.." twice is a little too repetitive.
Rituals performed to support their needs ??? This line is a little unclear.
I want to know- when will it end?

She says she loves me; but that's not a fact
I know it is something all human beings lacked The past tense form is unneeded because you used a present tense earlier on.
Laughing into the fire with our dignity intact This line is AMAZING. I love it.
Left to ask- when will it end?

The world is on the cusp of censored morale
The lands of freedom are forced to go on
Yet I have no intention to want to move on At the end of this line you use the word "on" to rhyme with the previous line, however, you're making it rhyme with itself. Why don't you try something like "Yet I have no intentions to wake at dawn", that way it rhymes but it stills keep a similar idea.
My head's in a daze- when will it end? I really like the beginning of this line.

Yet the pact that was made many years ago
Does not reflect something we wanted to show
Instead we present ourselves more as a foe
Question is- how soon will it end?

I don't know if I like this ending very much. I think you could sum it up a little bit differently.

I hope this helped! I really enjoyed this...a lot. It had a lot of emotion behind it. Keep writing!

-Lexi

I don't care what anyone else says. It was beautiful and I like it a LOT. There maybe was a little forced rhyming at some points but it still was a great poem.
-Hayley

This poem, "When Will It End?" is very good. It shows the feeling in the author's view. I'd say this is a very good poem. It clearly shows the symptoms of someone who is suffering. It gives ME the sad feeling that someone is almost dying. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!

I agree with a few others that there seems to be forced rhyming and an awkward amount of syllables at times. However, there was the perfect amount of detail in this piece. "Laughing into the fire with our dignity intact" is one of my favorite lines. You could have done without the last line's "Question is", because that seems a bit awkward. All in all, a terrific poem though! I much enjoyed.

Fingers shattered and legs covered with scars
Faces dripping with spots and surrounded with marks
I can hear the slight thumps pulsing in my heart
Question is- when will it end? Beautiful Imagery!

The nights that they wane on forever it seems
The look in her eyes as she shines and as she Don't put as she again gleams
Rituals performed to support their needs (???)
I want to know- when will it end?

She says she loves me; but that's not a fact
I know it is something all human beings lacked
Laughing into the fire with our dignity intact Like this line!
Left to ask- when will it end?

The world is on the cusp of censored morale
The lands of freedom are forced to go on
Yet I have no intention to want to move on
My head's in a daze- when will it end?

Yet the pact that was made many years ago
Do not reflect something we wanted to show
Instead we present ourselves more as a foe
Question is- how soon will it end?

Overall I loved it, but sometime rhyming seemed a little off. Keep writing- you have an exceptional talent!

The main problem I had with this poem was the rhyming. I feel that if you're going to have a rhyme scheme, you should follow through with it until the end, and there are some points that the rhyming isn't there or it feels akward and loose. Maybe just give that a look through. Other than that i loved the poem, the imagery was wonderful and the message was powerful, which are the two things I look for most in poetry. Well done.

This is A AWESOME POEM, i loved how it showed the memories, i guess thats what you can say it is, the constant struggle point shows focus and direction, where other poems stray, this is really good, you should continue it.