Dark Obsession: Chapter one: COMPLETE

Creak. Thump. 'Someone is getting too close.' I think, as I look for an escape route, the tiny cabin now being filled with toxic smoke. The wind only fuels the swelling fire's hungry rampage through the small house. Eyes burning with smoke turn to back door still unlocked from my run inside that early morning. Creak. Thump. I no longer hesitate. I scurry as fast as I can to the closed door as the sound of the stranger grew close.
My hand grasps the handle tightly. Fumbling in my terror I finally manage to open it. I hear the sound again. Creak. Thump. And I flee into the woods on wobbling legs; dodging trees and aquiring scraps from branches. As my breath becomes short and ragged I stop for just a few seconds.
Snap. My eyes widen at the sound of the branch behind me breaking. Swift as a striking snake a hand gribs my own just as I move my foot forward to sprint away. I let out a high pitched scream as the stranger yanks me backwards.
I can see a ghostly figure floating forward. I struggle to break away. Just as my vision turn back I hear the figure shout, "Don't forget who you are!"
Crack. My eyes snap open as pain sends my nerves on fire. Head resting against the wall I knew that the dream has shaken something deep inside, yet I didn't know what that was. Eyes held tightly closed I wince as every movement of my breathing sends tears flooding down my face.
Shaking my fingers pressed against the cold stone floor in attempt to get support for my shaking legs. Opening my eyes a crack I welcome the darkness with open arms. Two weeks its been now and the pain had only gotten stronger.
Taking shallow breaths I focus solely on easing the pain enough to get up. As I fight to gain control, I drift slowly back to the dream. It wasn't a dream. I just knew it wasn't. I could still feel
heat of the flames against my skin. The sound of the stranger's footsteps still ring clearly in my head.
As I contemplate the signifigance of the dream I hear the faint clinking of metal keys. I didn't question how I could hear them when they were four floor above the dungeon which my makeshift "home" had became for the past six years. The past few weeks has left me with strange new abilities that I didn't understand.
"Bring me Adero." The Master's voice echos in from the garden at the far end of what I believe was the property. The cold tone sends shivers down my spine as I mutter, "Whose Adero?"
Sighing softly I walk past the rotten food scattered on the stone floor. Reaching the barred door keeping me in I frown. As I touch the cold metal my fingernails turn to claws. Fear swepts through me as the rusting door to the dungeons creak.
My face turns to the door and I let out a hiss of rage. I was most definitely not going to answer to that man. Tensing as the figure moves in I almost yelp as the pain suddenly grows out of my tight control.
"Adero?" A soft feminine voice calls into the room. Too dazed with pain I could only groan as a young teen rushes to my cell.
I growl at her as she unlocks the door while fumbling. The nervousness on her face was clearly visible while I stare at her hard.
"Come on. We have to get you out of here." She demands irritably as I yank my hand away from her reach. Glaring at this stranger I dignantly walk out and reply cooly, "I don't know who you are or who this Adero is, but I can handle myself."
Her eyes turn cold as she snaps, "You're Adero and I am Alexis. Don't you remember that day we met?"
I shake my head but I knew she was speaking the truth. She takes my hand and pulls me out the door. The sudden light blinds me as she continues to rush me along the twists and turns of the seemingly endless hallway.
As we reach the back door a voice shouts demandingly, "And what do you two think you're doing?"
My blood runs cold at the Master's voice. Yet, Alexis turns and stares him down boldly. "We're getting out of this hell."
Master moves forward, slow and menacing. I step back towards the wall in terror. Still Alexis stares him down. Her eyes flaming with rage as he reaches past her and grips me tightly.
"Leave her alone!" Alexis spats as she lunges. Just as her hand touches my arm she was sent flying into the wall by a blonde tail.
Startled I watch as the Master finally pulls up a black mask. My eyes widen as I fight to escape. Something deep inside me screams the mask was not just a mask. Now fighting for freedom my own black tails last out, but it wasn't helpful.
Pressed tighty against the wall I could only watch in helpless despair as the black mask slips to cover my face. Burning pain erupts from my face and my vision goes black. As I slip into unconsciousness I see the Master pull out a series of long chains.

Spoiler

Will write the rest tomorrow. Am out of time. I need to know how u feel about it so far.

I know it's just the beginning, but I already love it- thrilling, interesting, well written, this is what you can expect from a great beginning!
I can't wait for you to continue, please, please, please hurry! please!
The name's great too

That was great. It quickly drew the reader in giving them reason to feel for the narrator. It has great mystery, and I really want to know what else is happening. The detail that the narrator gives is pretty good. Its vague enough to show that the narrator he flustered and rushed, but has enough to let the reader know whats going on. I do think it could use more description of the environment though. The beginning may be the right place. Just throwing this out there, but maybe have the narrator go over a few possible escape routes so that the reader knows where the narrator is other than a log cabin. That is just a suggestion though. All in all pretty good start, fast paced and action filled. I look forward to more.

Hey Soulkana. It's been a while since I've reviewed something of yours.

The bottom line is that a stranger creeping in is always loaded with good potential for a beginning. High drama, and it instantly get the reader wondering who the intruder is, who the narrator is, and what the intruder wants. More importantly, the reader wants to know if the narrator gets away. The idea of someone unwelcome breaking in and coming after you (or just invading your space) has a high degree of relevancy to anyone. Unexplained noises in a house give anyone the creeps. I know I freeze if I hear something that's out of place. Most likely it's just the cat, but you never know...

In short, the idea itself has oomph to it, and will always have oomph to it. The problem is that it's such a gripping idea that it's popular, and cynics or readers who've simply come across it might just shrug it off if you let them. After all, either she gets caught or she doesn't. If she gets caught, she'll probably be killed or at the very least heavily traumatized. Not the most up-in-the-air plot.

One way to insure (or increase the likelihood significantly) that the reader'll keep reading is to give the reader a connection to the character, to establish a relationship between the narrator and reader so that the reader has an investment in the wellbeing of the character. Of course, getting the reader to care about the character within such a short span is hard to do, and it's even harder in first person. It's an action scene, no place for exposition. My advice here is just sort of vague; make sure the narration reflects how your narrator sees things, that the narrator is her own person, has her own separate personality and life. If that shows through in word choice and action, you'll help the reader bond with the narrator quickly. Again, though, because this is a high-intensity scene, characterization through exposition isn't going to be your best shot.

Another way to suck the reader in completely is to pay particular attention to your writing itself. Word choice and syntax can make a world of difference. Think of your sentence structure like the story's heartbeat--or better yet, like the heartbeat of the character, or music. If your sentences are short. Choppy. Dramatic. It builds speed, makes things reader faster. Gets slightly out of control. Reader gets jerked back, forth, wooden rollercoaster style. Long, run-on sentences can also help, making the reader feel as if she's never going to catch her breath because there are never even any commas but they can also get hard to read and follow and work much better with styles like interior monologue and stream-of-consciousness and perhaps you want to stick with the staccato sentences instead.

If you build the tempo and feel of the scene into the structure of the scene itself, that's sort of the ultimate showing instead of telling. So give it a shot!

Word choice is just as important. One thing I noticed while reading this was that despite the present tense narration, it sounded very past tense, too aware and conscious. The character's thinking a lot and articulating a lot, not just doing. I feel like I would just be doing things, perhaps debating if he'll see me if I move, trying to goad myself into the courage. But how this is, it feels as if your narrator is telling me after the fact: "Yeah, man, I was so scared. I heard this creak and thump and I look over and there's this shadow on the stair. 'Someone's way too close,' I think, but I'm so scared I can't even move..."

Sometime tells me that wasn't what you were going for.

'Someone is getting too close.'

'Tis a very articulate thought, a complete sentence. You could shorten it to 'Too close' or something similar. The narrator isn't thinking for your reader's sake.

I think as I look for an escape route of the tiny cabin now being filled with toxic smoke

This is what I'm taking about with the syntax thing. This sentence is super complex, lots of phrases, lots of words. The fact that she thought it is obvious; you could chop that out and then chop up the remainder for more punchfactor. Don't fear fragments if they appeal to you. Also, 'being filled' is passive voice, not the best idea in an action scene.

The small window was blocked by the fire.

That's also passive voice. Passive is the ultimate pace-killer. (But very handy for slowing things down.)

My last comment goes toward the number of 'sense' words that you use--hear, see, feel etc. I say to avoid it for third person, but for first person, words like those can be extremely redundant more often that not. The narrator can only potentially give the reader information from what he or she already knows, and from what she or he hears, sees, feels. So, if the narrator is mentioning that there's a creak, obviously she heard it, goes without saying. If the narrator mentions a branch snapping, she heard it. No need to say she did. Of course, the rule isn't foolproof, but you can de-tell and speed up your prose at the same time by taking out those words and similar ones to them.

That's it for now! Let me know if you have any questions. This was my first review in a while and I just dumped a whole lot on you.

Rach

Hey Soul, wow it's been ages since I've read something of yours O_O

Anyway, I liked this. By the end I was wanting more If I can offer a suggestion, I would create more suspense in the first few lines and make it something like this.

Creak. Thump.
Too Close.
The escape route of the tiny cabin is now being filled with toxic smoke.

Shorter, choppier sentences tend to make me more thrilled in stuff like this.
Hope this helped

Hey Soulkana!
I'm here to review as promised! I haven't reviewed at all lately, so I best get stared again. Let's make it an epic!

Okay - this was, on the whole, really good. It enticed me: I felt completely enthralled and I was hooked as the story progressed and unfolded. One of the great things about this story was that I had no idea what was going to happen next.
It was like one of those childrens' paper predictors: there were so many layers and facets that unravelled mysteriously and methodically.

I also enjoyed how you made the scene realistic. I could really put myself in your MC's situation; see what she was seeing, experience what she was experiencing. I felt a real emotional attatchment to your MC by the end of your piece. You portrayed her emotions incredibly well, and you made her relatable.

Right: onto the negetive...! No - don't worry: it's not that bad! In fact, the negetive points I'll raise are really quite minor and easily fixed.

First: Your paragraphing isn't great. Sure, as I said earlier, your chapter possessed a powerful suspence, but you could've exaggerated it more and made your piece just that little bit more effective by improving your sentencing and paragraphing. Here's a few examples:

You wrote:

Soulkana wrote:Creak. Thump. 'Someone is getting too close.' I think, as I look for an escape route, the tiny cabin now being filled with toxic smoke.

This would read better and give it that extra bit of oomph if you ordered and arranged it like this:

Creak.

Thump.

Someone is getting too close, I think, as I look for an escape. The tiny cabin is filled with smoke.

How's that? If you're comfortable doing so, I'd recomend making a few adjustments ( as above) here and there throughout your chapter. It'll really have an overall effect on the finished product.

Second: You use the same word, not necessarily is the same sentance, but in the same paragraph. When the paragraph is short, it is noticable, and, in a strange way, a little off-putting. Try to widen you vocuabularly a little. For example:

Soulkana wrote:the tiny cabin now being filled with toxic smoke. The wind only fuels the swelling fire's hungry rampage through the small house. Eyes burning with smoke

You've used smoke twice - see? If the word doesn't have a synonym, try and think of another way to phrase the sentence and scrap the word altogether. For instance, in the above example, you don't need to repeate the word 'smoke' - you could simply say: 'my eyes were burning.' The reader can put two and two together, and will realise why.

Third: You need to proofread your piece and correct any mistakes regarding punctuation. Quite a bit through your chapter, you forget to put a punctuation mark where one is needed. Here are a few examples:

Soulkana wrote:Eyes burning with smoke turn to the back door , still unlocked

Soulkana wrote:Swift as a striking snake , a hand gribs grabs my own just as I move my foot forward to sprint away.

I hope my suggestions helped. More that anything, I would suggest you really sit down and proofread your work. You have made quite a few spelling mistakes, too. I think you're perfectly capable of pin-pointing and correcting them yourself, and so that's why I didn't do a spelling nitpick.

Anyways, now I'm just rambling. Okay, so, talk to you later, Soul!

~ Amelia

Your word choice in the beginning is fantastic. But after that your writing kind of falls apart structure wise. Your story was choppy, you had to many simple sentence without mixing in and=y compound or complex, also, your characters views and thoughts are short lived. You don't give your reader enough time to settle into the story, to feel shocked or surprised by whats happening. One way to do this is to use more imagry. Describe the forest more, the bleak night sky, the flames as they consume the house, the ghostly figure. Also, go into depth on your characters thoughts and emotions. Describe her shock at the burning house, her fear, her confusion. What are her thoughts on all of this. Right now she seems a little flat.

I truly enjoyed reading this. It was fast paced and descriptive. When you described the fire I could smell it, and taste it, and see it curling up into the sky.