New Roommate

Hope you enjoy this short story I've written. This is like the first short story I've ever really wrote, so please review it 'cause i have no ides if its any good or not. Thanks. ~ DG

New Roommate.

When you get a roommate it's a bit like flipping a coin; you either come up heads or you come up tails.

It would seem with my new roommate the Fates have called tails. because my roommate is a total - well you caught my drift.

I met her for the first time last night. She swept into our room rather late. (1:43 AM to be exact.) Now you'd think she would at least say hello as it had to have been obvious I'd stayed up waiting for her, but no. She barely glance at me and before I could even offer a hand and introduce myself, she demanded the time. Startled, I gave it to her. She scrubbed a hand over her face.

"I can't believe it's that late." She said wearily, glaring at me as though it was my fault. Miffed, I was about to point out she was the one who had stayed out so long not me and then direct her attention to the fact that 1:43 AM wasn't 'late' but in fact, insanely early. However, she turned abruptly away before I got the chance. "I've got to get to bed." She muttered.

Three minutes and twenty-six seconds later she had crawled into bed without paying me any attention other than to tell me to wake her up at 6:00 AM. I watched her fall asleep, her chest rising and falling as her breaths slowed and became longer and decided not to judge my roommate too soon. Things always look different in the morning, I told myself.

In the blue gray light of six o-clock I woke her up, only to have her reach out and swiftly slap me! I came to my senses five minutes later. Thinking I must have dozed off and imagined her hitting me, I softly told her it was time to get out of bed. When she didn't even budge I tried again. No reaction. The third time I received another hardy smack.

Angrily, I resolved not to even attempt to wake her again. However, as the minutes ticked by I began to feel guiltly. Perhaps she's just one of those moody morning poeple, I reasoned. And she did ask me to get her up...well, more like comanded, but still. Also I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot...

Three hunderd seconds later, I was at it again. Expecting another blow, I was completely unprepared for what happened next.

Bolting upright, my roommate grabbed either side of my face. Eyes crazed and unfocsed, she began to shake me. Her night clothes were rumpled and her hair stuck out wildly in a dozen different directions.

"Will you shut up?" She screamed, really turning me off. She let go of me and I didn't make another sound- anything to avoid her wrath. Surprisingly though, she did get up. Silently, I watched her as she brushed her teeth, combed her hair, and did her makeup. I nearly jumped out of my skin when she shot a quick look at me, but she only frowned and bolted out the door.

For the rest of the day I practically ran around in circles. Then tonight when my roomate got home she acted as though I wasn't even there. The only times she acknowledged my existence was to find out how late it was(10:51PM) and to order me to wake her in the morning.

I'm begining to sense a vicious cycle.

Signing out, The Alarm Clock


Please review!

Although I'm not always good at reviewing short stories, I'm going to give this a try for you.

Miffed, I was about to point out she was the one who had stayed out so long not me and then direct her attention to the fact that 1:43 AM was 'late' but in fact insanely early.

Three minutes and twenty-six seconds later (you don't really need to be that exact... You actually don't really need that part.) she had crawled in to bed without paying me any attention other than to tell me to wake her up at 6:00 AM.

In the blue-gray light of six o-clock I woke her up, only to have her reach out and swiftly slap me! I came to my senses five minutes later. Thinking I must have dozed off and imagined her hitting me, I softly told her it was time to get out of bed. When she didn't even budge I tried again.

The third time I received another hardy smack.

Angrily, I resolved not to even attempt to wake her again. However, as the minutes ticked by I began to feel guilty.

300 seconds later, I was at it again.(Again, no need to be so exact - you could say, 'soon later, I was at it again.

She let go of me and I didn't make another sound - anything to avoid her wrath.

Silently, I watched her as she brushed her teeth, combed her hair, and did her makeup.

Then, when my room mate got home she acted as though I wasn't even there. The only times she acknowledged my presence was to find out how late it was (10:51) and to order me to wake her in the morning.

Signing out,
The Alarm Clock

Hmm. Interesting idea.

I found no other errors than the ones I pointed out above and I think it's actually a kind of amusing plot line!

Good job with this

Keep writing,
Alzora

hey there!!
I'll review your work today, I'm a little rusty so please excuse me. =)
So the idea is very interesting, and you are right, meeting your new roommate is exciting and many times you don't know what to expect. And as the girl in your story, many times well, your roommate is not what you expected. So it is really an interesting idea. But I think there is some room for improvement in this piece.

When you get a roommate it's a bit like flipping a coin; you either come up heads or you come up tails.

So to begin with, I liked your hook, which is the first sentence, because it portrayed the feelings when you are about to know your roommate. But I think you could have expanded this though a little more by putting in some thoughts and feelings that related to this. By the way is a nice metaphor

It would seem with my new roommate the Fates have called tails, because my roommate is a total - well you caught my drift.

I liked the beginning of a sentence, the rest is just our of place. Instead of the phrase after the comma, place a period, because it would be a lot nicer if you described to us why the Fates called tails, instead of telling us why. Remember you should show, not tell.

I met her for the first time last night. She swept into our room rather late. (1:43 AM to be exact.) Now you'd think she would at least say hello as it had to have been obvious I'd stayed up waiting for her, but no. She barely glance at me and before I could even offer a hand and introduce myself, she demanded the time. Startled, I gave it to her. She scrubbed a hand over her face.

This is nice, I like your wording, is really easy to read and one can relate to it. But I think you could add a little more description here, maybe about how she looked (especially since it was one in the morning and who knows where she was =)) I would really like to know how she looked, how she talked, the way she walked, little details that you can scatter through your story so that they don't pile up together.

For the rest of the day I practically ran around in circles. Then tonight when my roomate #FF0000 ">roommate got home she acted as though I wasn't even there. The only times she acknowledged my existence was to find out how late it was(10:51PM) and to order me to wake her in the morning.

It is nice that you describe your roommates actions, but it is also necessary that you use a bit more characterization because right now you're listing what your roommate is doing instead of making us, readers, relate to your main character's trouble with her roommate, so try to tell us how she felt. And another thing, you don't need to be exact with the time, is not necessary and it doesn't add anything to the story.

So I liked your story but you need a little more work with your characters, but it is overall a really good idea.
Hope I helped.

Nice! The room mate reminds me of me in the morning. LOL

I only noticed a few little things, but, for the most part, it was hilairious!

I am thinking, however, maybe you got the inspiration from sunday morning at your house? Maybe waking up a certain sister? Haha, don't you dare tell her I said that.

she mutter --- muttered
in to bed --- into bed

i liked this. simple and humorous and a neat idea. honestly I'd end it without the "signing off, alarm clock" line.
it kinda takes away from the piece and just lays out what happens. anyone reading this who's smart enough should be able to guess that the MC is the alarm clock, its obvious through your little hints and I prefered the subtle revelation that way.

aside that I really don't have all that much to add. its a short and contained piece so I don't have ways of expanding for you.
so good job.

Hello! I'm not really a short story writer, but I'll do my best to review this anyway as a reader. Overall, I think it's a really neat little piece with a healthy dose of humor. I think you can cut out the first line "I have a new roommate." It's already implied in the title and just adds a little unnecessary repetition. Starting the story off saying "When you get a roommate it's a bit like flipping a coin; you either come up heads or you come up tails." sounds perfectly fine and much more exciting than simply stating that you've got a new roommate. Other than that and a few grammatical nit-pricks, I think you did a wonderful job!